In a series of events that can only be described as surreal, a young woman known only as “Blonde” was killed today by a telephone pole which toppled onto her after a truck crashed into it. The driver, who is listed in serious but stable condition at a nearby hospital, told the press that he was distracted by a stunning young woman crossing the street in only a billion dollar diamond bra and matching stockings. Further investigation has revealed that the deceased had stolen the undergarments from a Victoria’s secret model at a nearby fashion show…
Breaking story! Mt. Fuji errupted today…
I’m so sorry to hear about the lava, Fuji! 
Eats_Crayons decides that is is high time to take a trip to California. Loading up the SUV and we’re off to beautiful Santa Barbara.
“Well, we usually avoid the tourist traps, but I must see Neverland Ranch!” Eats_Crayons thinks - and here we are, why are the gates open? OOHH, looky there, a ferris wheel! Round and round we go - grinning wildly and screaming “whoohoo” Eats_Crayons looks down as the ferris wheel turns and catches one glimpse of the man in black below before the wheel crumbles into a huge pile of metal. In the distance, a BST song plays into the night…
What goes up
must come down
spinning wheel
got to go around
talkin’ ‘bout your troubles
it’s a cryin’ sin
ride a painted pony
let the spinning wheel spin
In a jealous rage, Barbie seeks out the skanky harlot who had stolen her true love, Ken. Runs down that vile Blonde with her Barbie Country Camper (circa 1971)… backs up… rolls forward… backs up… rolls forward… backs up…
Eats_Crayons decides to expand the menu and moves on to erasable markers. Too bad they’re swallowed whole and erase all internal organs. But the attendees at the wake all remarked on how colorful the body was.
Was this to the tune of “You Really Got Me” by Van Halen? (Damn, I loved that commercial. And David Lee Roth, about eh, 25 years ago…that black and white poster where he’s chained against the wall…)
OH! What were we talking about again?
You got me so I can’t sleep at night
You really got me
You really got me
You really got me
AAAGGGHHH!!
Blonde goes into a mental and physical frenzy of crazed monkey lust as she keeps singing that song, Van Halen version, over and over and over again!
She doesn’t notice when her body begins to shimmy and sway to the beat in her head, her pelvis doing unnaturally agitated thrusts faster than a human being should rightly be able to do! Picturing her oh, so sexy David Lee Roth (circa 1980), she thrusts even faster, bunching up the tender and delicate internal organs that were never meant to be bunched in such a violent and rapid fashion!
Something deep inside gives way in a wet, gushy ~POP!~ and Blonde goes down faster than Pamela des Barres on a fat, hairy roadie, singing “You Really Got Me” as she expires, still trying to thrust her hips with total wild abandon! The NAUGHTY lass! What a shameful way to go…
Attempting to create a new recipe for chicken, SanguineSpider accidentally creates cold fusion in her oven (how’s that for irony?).
Nearby, an Australian spy (who oddly enough looks and sounds exactly like Boris Badinov) detects the fusion process and let’s his superiors know. Within moments, Australian spys surround the house.
Not wishing to see her discovery fall into the wrong hands, SanguineSpider heroically turns the oven up to 475 degrees (F). The resulting explosion takes out the house and all but 2 of the spies.
Odinoneeye sighs. Again! Time to hang himself from that dratted oak tree. Sometimes, being a god isn’t such a great thing after all. I mean, sure, wenches and feasting and glorious battle and all that, but then there’s always a catch, isn’t there?
Nevertheless, Odinoneeye knows his job, and what he owes his worshippers. So he finds his favorite oak tree, climbs up, and hangs himself in it, settling down for the usual agony.
He’s drifting off to sleep when he hears a curious screeching noise, far in the distance. Slowly it comes nearer; halting for a while, to be replaced by a rumbling – no, not of thunder; something else, but what? Periodically he hears a crash, as of a tree toppling. Yet there’s no wind, no storm to bring down the ancient forest giants. What could it be?
Just as Odinoneeye is about to get down from his oak tree to investigate, the source of the sounds is revealed. A mighty metal monster, gleaming a screaming yellow where it isn’t splashed with mud, lurches through the trees! Human servitors attend it, scurrying about. Before Odinoneeye can react, the metal monster has reached out great sharp pincers to the base of his oak tree – and bitten it in half! Odinoneeye tries to smash the evildoers, but he’s tied to the tree and helpless.
As the oak slams into the ground, the last thing in this life Odinoneeye hears is, “Well, that one should make some good entertainment centers.”
There once was a lass yclept Eddy
(Oops, I forgot TeddyFreddy).
Thanks to old Loki
She went up in smoke - he
Helped Odin (who’s often so petty!).
No offense meant to our OdinOneEye - I’m talking about the original here!
AvhHines had just finished typing and posting the limerickish death of ETF when the original god Odin™ burst into the room and sicced Fenris onto the hapless Doper. Only a few blood smears on the keyboard were left.
EddyTeddyFreddy just up and died. The investigators lost interest in finding a cause and went home to watch Seinfeld reruns and drink Vanilla Coke.
The next day, due to a mistake in Angua’s calculations, the Sun went supernova. “Oops!” said Angua as her flesh (and, indeed, the entire Earth) disintegrated.
NoClueBoy wanted to find out what the minimum temperature for cooking stuffing without it killing you was.
He guessed wrong by about 5 degrees Celsius.
He will be missed.
It was a dark and stormy night.
Suddenly the maid screamed.
Governor Quinn strode into the pitch-black pantry to see what all the fuss was about.
He found out.
Freddy wiped the blood off and melded back into EddyTeddy.
EddyTeddyFreddy decided one day to test the old wives tale of chewing gum taking seven years to digest in one’s stomach. She stopped by her local convenience store where many such convenient items were sold and purchased a large pack of spearmint gum. Large because it was 17 pieces in a convenient pack. She quickly walked away towards home to start testing this old tale because she was convinced that she and she ALONE could prove the theory wrong!
Back at home, she unwrapped five pieces of gum and started popping them into her mouth. chew chew chew. The chewing was hard at first because it had been a very long time since she had chewed any gum. chew chew chew chew The large amount of gum in her mouth was starting to get manageable but she kept on chewing. She eyed the pack of gum, it eyed her (not really… ) and she took out five more pieces of gum, popping those into the o’ piehole. It was work! She chewed noisily, smacking the huge chunk of gum, cheeks puffing out with the effort of trying to hold all this gum in her mouth.
chew chew chew CHEW
EddyTeddyFreddy pondered the effect of having all this gum in her mouth, chewing like a cow, and wondered if she should try adding more. Seven pieces left in the pack and not much space left in her mouth so she opted for no, she would swallow the ten pieces of spearmint gum she was gnawing on and see if it would stay in her tummy or pass through her as she thought it might.
********GULP********
The huge ball of gum started going down and stopped! **EddyTeddyFreddy panicked and tried to swallow harder. Stuck… the gum was STUCK! She tried coughing it up but she couldn’t get any air down into her lungs and the gum stayed put. She gasped silently a moment or two and then tried giving herself the Heimlich but to no avail! The gum stayed jammed in her throat and her lungs were starting to burn a little.
She ran around the house like a headless chicken, trying to cough, choke, swallow and gulp but alas… the poor dear was losing cohesive thought, losing strength, losing… losing…
She swooned, throat bulging with the huge ball of gum, and passed out. EddyTeddyFreddy laid there for days before anyone came to call, before anyone even dared think that something dreadful had occurred. This is the tale of how one smart alecky girl, one Ms.EddyTeddyFreddy, and how she got her butt kicked by a silly little urban myth.
Don’t try this at home and most certainly NOT alone!
Stupid bold… hmmmph!
SanguineSpider got tired of the oppressive summers in Arizona, and decided, instead, to try living in someplace more suitable for humans.
As is well-documented in NASA reports, the trip to colonize the surface of the sun did NOT go as planned.
R.I.P. SanguineSpider
Chastain86
An infected paper cut.
What a way to go.
GrizzRich was tired of being poor. Especially because people would mock him, calling him “GrizzPoor” and laughing and pointing.
So, one fine morning in May, GrizzRich left home and headed for Alaska, with only the clothes on his back, his trusty camera, and 50 bucks in his pocket. He planned to become a world-famous wildlife photographer, making his fortune with glossy calendars.
Three months later, disheveled, 15 pounds lighter, and with only a nickel in his pocket, GrizzRich arrived in Nome. Immediately he headed for the bush, ignoring offers of advice from Old Alaska Hands™ – after all, if they knew so much about it, why weren’t they rich?
The next spring, a hunter stumbled across a small pile of bones and tattered clothes, with a trusty camera sitting atop the heap. He brought the camera back, developed the film – and went on to make millions from the close-up photos of an attacking grizzly.
EddyTeddyFreddy was caught smuggling drugs into the US with a Lincoln Continential.
While being taken to trial, she was murdered by Gene Hackman.
Your ordinary Thursday, in other words.