You know, pervert, trying to bribe the mods with chocolate isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but when you go overboard to the point of offering a tractor-trailerload of Godiva, you really ought to double-check the parking brake before tying the big red ribbon to the radiator grille.
Speaking of chocolate, usually dipping one’s finger in the mixing vat is discouraged for reasons of cleanliness. But when the level of liquid chocolate in the vat is so low that bending waaaaaaaaay over is necessary to get a taste, the rule morphs into one about safety.
Man I really missed this thread. 
If you never heard the phrase “Death By Chocolate”, pervert, just wait until this Halloween. That’s when the neighborhood kiddos, appalled at your pathetic offering of lowly lollipops, will impale you upon the pumpkin decoration that you so cleverly erected in your front lawn. :eek:
:eek:
…Actually, this might not be a bad way to go.
Oh, and: Blonde, you poor, poor thing. Didn’t you realize while you were flossing your teeth that those six armed stealth ninjas with laser guns were hiding in your medicine cabinet?
Poor, poor Kythereia. She discovers the Straight Dope. She becomes fascinated. She joins as a guest and begins posting. She reads and posts, reads and posts, reads and posts… Nothing can distract her from her shiny new toy. Nothing can drag her away from the computer. NOTHING! She is a woman obsessed, a woman possessed by the need, the craving, the compulsion for Dope.
When the police break down her door, they find her gaunt, cobwebbed body slumped over the keyboard, one bony finger resting on the “Enter” key…
EddyTeddyFreddy gets hit by a bus.
Ilsa Lund gets hit by a bus driver who’s enraged to discover his hot date is a guy.
The bus driver uses the tool of his trade.
I would just like to take a moment and recognize the genius of this death. Notice that the giant pumpkin ( a distinctly round object) did not squish, strike, or even explode me. It did in fact impale me. Allow the visual of a large erect (round, remember) pumpkin to sink in (as it were). Add to this horrific perversion of everything that is good and nice the unmistakable stroke of genius that this act of extremem violation is being committed by the neighborhood children dressed in festive costumes.
I need a moment to revel in the visual
…
…
…
Having been severely shocked by the sight, sound and smell of pervert’s death, EddyTeddyFreddy vowed to be extra good to the tricker treaters this year. She began to give out brand name candy bars. The full size ones, not the little cheapies. To sweeten the deal, she even wrapped them in $5 dollar bills. Needless to say word of her generousity spread very quickly. Soon she had 3 and then 4 times as many trick-or-treators at her door as last year. Eventually she ran out of candy and money. As she gave out the last of her monetary delights, the vision came to her unbidden of pervert’s bloated impaled form. She knew the kids in her neighborhood would never doo such a thing, but who knows what sorts of odd people her excesses had attracted. She knew also that she did not have any pumpkins in her yard. But the 10 foot spider didn’t seem so neat at the moment.
Panting, desperately searching for something prescious to give any other trick-or-treaters who might approach, she eyed her cats. “No!”, she though, “I couldn’t.” She had just finished putting the last cat into a suit made of pennies when teh doorbell rang again. Not breathing, she reached for the knob. She knew that if there were more than 3 trick-or-treators, or if they were not cat lovers, she would have to face the horror of wondering when they were coming for her.
When she finally looke outside, she saw her lawn was filled with adults. Her neighbors, in fact. They had finally heard that she was to blame for the hoards of mewling brats which had eaten them out of house and home and been ungrateful little bastards about it as well. While their revenge did not involve spiders or pumpkins, let’s just say it was at least as horrendous as being hit on by a bus.
pervert: colon cancer.
Laughing hysterically here…you’re just NOW going to call me out on the factual content of my death predictions? Bwahahahahaha…
Everyone knows pumpkins have those spiky tops. Could easily impale the likes of you!! 
NEWS FLASH:
Authorities have announced the tragic death of area resident Baraqiyal. He/she was found on his/her kitchen floor, the latest victim of vowel addiction and overdose.
Vowel addiction has become a serious threat to our community. It can not only have immediate effects, such as overdosing, but it is also a catalyst for myriad other medical conditions, including irritable vowel syndrome.
I’m going to get really specific, here, Nightwatch Trailer, since I’ve had a Revelation From Og[sup]TM[/sup]:
On January 10, 2005, you (and all of Malubu) will be gobsmacked by the sudden walloping of a blizzard. “A blizzard in Malibu?” you cry, as you bundle up in every bit of warm clothing you can find and rush outside to see the amazing sight.
What you won’t see, as the snow swirls about you, is the lead zeppelin about to land, at great speed, upon your head.
No, no, no. My praise was meant in ernest. I appologize if that was not clear. You have to take into account my sense of humor. The more unlikely a thing is in the real world, the more appropriate I think it is in a thread like this. Seriously, when I listed the other options (which I would have chosen to describe the pumkin’s MO) I meant it to mean that you were a genius for thinking of a much more damaging method. I did not mean it as a criticism of any sort. I sincerely hope no one else read that post as a criticism. It not only was not meant that way, it was meant as very high praise.
And for the record, if any sort of criticism has been called for in this incident, it is mine. I did not even remember about the stems. I was so fixated on the visual of a large (I’m picturing something in the 6 food diameter range) being forced through a human torso that I lost all memory of the anatomical makeup of pumpkins.
BTW, EddyTeddyFreddy dies from rage when she realizes that 2 posts have occured where no death was forcast.
pervert just dies.
Ilsa_Lund Will be struck in the temple by an unhusked acorn, that was dropped by a squirrel that is being carried away by a Bald Eagle, that is shot by a poacher, who was, ironically, Ilsa’s third cousin twice removed.
You will contract a rare and untreatable amoebic infection 8 years from now upon eating a bit of spoiled food imported from a country that does not yet exist.
Sucked into another dimension from which he/she/it can never return, lokij will forever rue the day they decided to check just what was behind the washing machine. That day is September 17,2013.
Iceland Blue is enjoying the trip to the San Diego Zoo. “Just look at those incredible critters!” It’s a microcosm of the natural world, and Iceland Blue can’t get enough of it. Which leads the poor dear to lean waaaaaay too far over the wall atop the moat of the polar bears’ enclosure (“Hey! I think I know that bear! Hey Whitechops, remember meeeeeeeeee…aaaaaaa!!!”) and land in the murky water. The polar bears look very, very happy (“Fresh meat!”) and gallop to the moat.
Well, who would have thought Iceland Blue could walk – nay, RUN on water? Or climb a sheer wall? Or scramble to safety before the bears even get their toes wet?
Or trip over a discarded popcorn box, fall into a stroller, and be beaten to death by an enraged mom?
ETF Will open up a pack of yummy Havarti cheese, only to be immediately devoured by rabid Cheese Badgers (both her and the cheese).
Amazon Floozy Goddess, while attempting to burn off the requisite breast in order to improve her archery skills, will immolate herself instead.