Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor could hardly contain his excitement. He had found a secret entrance for one of the steam tunnels at the university which lead to the Biomedical Research Facility (BaRF) - not to be confused with Bass’s Anthropological Research Facility (BARF, a.k.a. the Body Farm) at UTK. Not content to hold this knowledge to himself, he rounds up a group of friends one cold December night in 2030 to set out on an adventure.
“The students are on holiday now,” he explains, “so we can get into the BaRF and check out all the freaky experiments they do there.”
“We’re 200 miles from the university, Bosda, and none of us have cars. How will we get there?” asked Governor Quinn.
Bosda just smiled and patted the Keltec pistol he had concealed in his ankle holster. “Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. We’ll persuade someone to let us borrow their car. Haven’t you ever played Grand Theft Auto?”
Soon, EddyTeddyFreddy came strutting in, followed by Blonde, Eats_Crayons, Steelerphan, and Mangetout, each dressed in their best infiltration black. ETF had the rope and grappling hook, which Blonde quickly snatched away from her, shouting “The rope is NOT a play toy, ETF. Bad kitty!” Bosda filled the gang in on the plans, showed them all blueprints and maps, and made sure everyone was prepared with radio communication. In single file, they headed out to find transportation. It wasn’t long before ETF had commandeered a nicely equipped 15-passenger church van from an elderly couple. Bosda was quite appalled that he didn’t get to use his brute force, but no matter, the group was underway and that’s what counted.
Two hours later (Steelerphan has a lead … err … steel foot), they arrive at the loading dock behind the campus library. Right smack in the middle of the light shone by the headlamps, there is a crack in the wall. A nice, clean, uniform crack. Bosda jumps out, inserts a metal bar shaped like a ‘T’, turns it 90 degrees, clips on a rope, and attaches that to the van bumper. He gives Steelerphan the signal to back up, and voila, the crack is actually just a gap between two giant, secret (formerly, anyway) doors into a main steam tunnel. The gang cheers wildly for a few minutes before regaining their composure. Bosda, the self-declared team leader, sets up a lookout team who will remain outside and monitor the campus security radio traffic to warn the infiltration team of impending dangers. Eats_Crayons is glad to get this duty because he/she is suffering from severe gastric disturbances from eating too much wax, and could use the relative inactivity to rest. Steelerphan, however, is not so excited about not getting to frolic around in the steam tunnels, but reluctantly agrees to lookout duty.
Fifteen minutes later, Bosda, Quinn, ETF, Blonde, and Mangetout are nearing the BaRF. Suddenly, they hear a BOOM over the radios, then static. They’ve lost all communication with the lookout team. What everyone failed to realize is that the van was equipped with an explosive device for use in case of a carjacking. When the police were unable to track it down, the elderly couple authorized destruction of the van, and poor Eats_Crayons and Steelerphan were blown to little bits outside the library. Bosda quickly dispatches Mangetout to the scene to investigate, but upon his exit from the tunnel, Mangetout is shot a total of 160 times by the S.W.A.T. team that converged on the campus after being informed of the explosion. Actually 159 of those shots were wasted as the S.W.A.T. sniper had put his first round squarely between Mangetout’s eyes, blowing brain chunks and the back of his skull some thirty feet back inside the tunnel.
The remaining infiltration team made it inside the BaRF. ETF hears the soft ‘mewing’ of kittens in the distance, and wonders what horrible experiments they are subjected to. The ‘mews’ get louder as the team wanders down the hallway, when, suddenly, there is a horrible kitty scream. ETF is nearly brought to tears by this sound, and the team vows vengeance on whoever is torturing kitties. They follow the sound further and see a light on in one of the laboratories. Carefully, Bosda peers into the room, but he sees no one. He does notice, however, that there is a door in darkness on the other side of the room. He motions to the team to follow him and makes his way further down the hallway. Just as the hallway turns the corner, Bosda halts the team and says “I’ll scout the area briefly, then come back for you guys.” He disappears around the corner, and is gone for a solid ten minutes. Bosda comes back with a look of excitement on his face. “Oh, you guys have GOT to see this! It’s the most bizzarre thing!”
They all follow him around the corner to find a huge glass tube with peritrochoid floating inside. There are so many tubes and wires coming out of him, and the fluid he’s immersed in has an odd bluish cast to it. The general consensus is that he’s dead and they’re just preserving the body for some reason, but Blonde swears on her life that peritrochoid just gave her a thumbs-up. Bosda is quick to divert the attention to the door behind them. The very same door they saw from the other side of the laboratory. Peering through, they see none other than UncleBeer squishing kitties to hear the funny sounds they make! ETF yells in fury, and Quinn tries to quiet her, but it’s too late. UncleBeer has been alerted to their presence, and he storms out the other door of the laboratory. This cues ETF and Blonde to enter the lab and free the kittens, but they didn’t notice the biohazard placards all over the place. These kittens are bred to be rabid and still maintain a normal lifespan. Both ETF and Blonde are bitten and clawed to death by 400 rabid kittens.
Meanwhile, Bosda and Quinn are still out in the hall, mortified at the gruesome scene before them. So mortified, in fact, that they don’t notice UncleBeer sneaking up behind them with a samurai sword. They see two quick flashes of light from the reflections on the sword, and their heads fall to the floor, rolling down the hallway like lumpy basketballs. UncleBeer, in a display of machismo, swings the sword around a few times, but accidentally gets too close to the glass housing peritrochoid.
CRAAAAAAAAAACK!
SPLOOOOSH!
The hallway is filled with the blue liquid. UncleBeer realizes he can’t swim and panics. Not that it would matter anyway. It seems that peritrochoid’s body was uniquely adapted to survival in one of the world’s strongest acids. The instant UncleBeer comes in contact with the vile blue fluid, he is dissolved into a bloody paste.
The End.
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