Pssst. NoClueBoy, are you dead yet? Not yet? Then let me elaborate.
Today, being Thursday, you will be hunted down by a sexy babe-terminator from the future and dispatched via cyber-snu-snu.
What a way to go!
…leaving nothing but a pile of apples, religious tracts, and sex toys where Ponder Stibbons once stood.
Too bad about the ham§sters eating the front part of my post.
Oh, to answer Vanilla from another thread, half a foreskin, see?
I’ll post from the afterlife, let you all know who was right.
Ponder Stibbons strolls out through the gate of Unseen University, intent on answering a summons from the Patrician. He’s so busy musing upon what it could be (an upgrade in the Watch’s signal towers, perhaps?) that he doesn’t notice he’s taken a wrong turn and wandered into the Shades.
When he trips over a small, raggedy dog* he jerks to awareness of his surroundings. The scariest thing is… there’s none of the usual cacophany of sounds. None. The noisome tangle of alleys he’s lost in is utterly silent.
Ponder picks up his pace, looking nervously about him for any indication of a way to safety. He spots the towers of the university and tries to make his way to them, but keeps winding up in dead ends. Every turn seems to bring him farther from, not nearer to his goal. Meanwhile, he can hear furtive footsteps behind him… then to either side… then getting closer…
Suddenly, as he rounds a blind corner and sees a tall dark figure ahead of him, its back turned, the footsteps seem to stop. Ponder rushes forward, hoping the stranger can direct him to safety. As he reaches out to touch the stranger’s sleeve, the stranger turns and says:
“GOOD MORNING, PONDER. MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TO NOCLUEBOY?”
*For a moment, Ponder could almost swear he’d heard someone at ankle height snarl “Watch where yer goin’, yer fluffheaded nob,” but then shakes his head; surely it couldn’t be… The little dog smirks at him and trots away.
My best death yet!
Poor EddyTeddyFreddy. Who, despite having been a member of the SDMB for as long as Ponder, has managed to post roughly four times as much. Alas, to keep up this magnificent deluge of wit and erudition, she has forgotten to eat. Probably die this afternoon along with NCB. Karma. 
Doper Ponder Stibbons was found buried under a pile of factory rejected butt plugs. Police are presuming that the death was accidental but are investigating several suspicious users at the Straight Dope Message Board. Details to follow.
The viewing of the body will be tomorrow at midnight, to be followed by wild orgies and spurious vanity posting. Please come dressed appropriately.
In the arms of a lusty peasant girl
By the brothers of that same lusty peasant girl … and before you get to the lusty part!
Hey, NoClueBoy, check your pulse and make sure you’re still alive … Still? Darn 
waiting for lock down
Ponder will dance the night away with can-can dancing monkeys in black and yellow dresses with white, lacy petticoats on stage for us all one evening. He forgets the first rule of the animal kingdom at one point in the celebration - NEVER bare your teeth in front of a wild animal, and trust me these chimps are WILD! He smiles happily as he dances the can-can, flipping up his skirt with complete abandon and faces the monkeys for a second or two.
They see his teeth and lunge with wild monkey screams of death! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OOO! OOO! Waaaaah!
The crowd screams in terror, trampling each other to get far away from the carnage as the monkeys rip off Ponder’s dress and start on his flesh with their teeth (how ironic)! He cannot escape their wild monkey wrath! The horror… the horror!
** SanguineSpider ** will meet her untimely end two weeks from next Friday night.
Wait! There’s more!
She is watching TV movies in her Hellizona home when lightning strikes. The lights begin to flicker, then the phone rings. Cautiously, she gets up to answer it.
“Hello?”
“The flashing light was just a test,” said a gravelly voice.
“Excuse me?”
“Next time you must have everything,” the voice continued.
“What??”
“Be ready,” finished the voice, and the line went dead.
“Must have been a wrong number,” she thought, and went back to watching TV. Three hours later, ** SanguineSpider ** decided to step into the kitchen for a snack of caramel-covered grapes. When she was halfway there she gasped in realization.
“The envelope!!” she yelled. “I completely forgot!”
She raced to the phone, immediately terrified. She picked it up and dialed 874-3946 as quickly as possible.
It rang once…twice…three times. ** SanguineSpider ** bit her lip anxiously. “Hello?” said a voice that brought her right back to that fateful night in Vegas so many years ago.
“Justin! I’m so glad you answered! You see I-
Justin?”
The line was dead.
** Spider ** hung up the phone sadly. There was nothing else she could do. Nothing else but wait, and be prepared. She walked into her bedroom and pushed the dresser over five and a half inches. She carefully pressed the small red button on the wall. Almost immediately twelve pounds of red feathers began to fall from the various hidden sprinklers in the ceiling.
** SanguineSpider ** went back to the couch and turned on the TV again. Flipping to channel 999, she laid back. The screen was bright red.
Her eyes rolled in the back of her head.
** SanguineSpider ** died two weeks from next Friday, and only Justin and several West Virginian cats know why.
Will you be ready?
BellaDellaItalia will die after consuming too many almonds (about nine) from a wild almond tree.
Many will mourn her passing.
Knorf will die when a crazed pratchett fan will mistake him for ‘dorfl’ and try to remove the words from his head.
We aren’t sure what happened to Lobsang, but, one day, the Isle of Man disappeared, and he was never seen again.
Crying shame, crying shame.
I loved that movie!
Ever since they were children, Governor Quinn and NoClueBoy have wondered if there is, in fact, a monster living under their bed. Consequently, they are very careful to not dangle their feet off the side of the bed, just in case the monster really existed - and it desired to nibble at their feet with exceptionally sharp teeth.
Tonight (around midnight) they will throw caution to the wind - telling themselves “I’m an adult! There is nothing under the damn bed!” - and they will peek under the bed.
We’re really going to miss you guys!
Exactly 34 days, 56 hours, 5 minutes and 93,000 seconds from now, Blonde will finally be chased down by the zombie munchkins that constantly follow her on her grocery runs. She will momentarily take her eyes of them to examine a dented can of soup, whereupon the diminuitive undead will rush her and begin their delightful feast. They remove various bottles and jars of condiments from the shelves in order to savor every morsel. Her gnawed bones will lay heaped next to the assortment of mustards and one of the zombies will be walking around wearing her blonde mane as a sort of trophy.
Clean up in aisle 3!
:dubious:
You people really frighten me…
SanguineSpider finds herself in a maze of twisty little passageways, all alike. She goes north a few hundred feet, then turns east. “No, this isn’t the way I came in,” she says aloud. Backtracking, she sees that now she’s confused again. There just seems to be no end to these passages. As her lamp is growing dim, she prepares for the inevitable. “Why, oh why, did I let peritrochoid talk me into uttering ‘PLUGH’? That bastard! I’m lost down here forever!” At that moment, she comes upon a familiar landmark, and a hollow voice echoes “PLUGH”, confirming her suspicions. “Hmm, I’ve been here before. Wait! I know! If I say that word again, I’ll end up back at the well house. I’M FREE! I’M FREE!”
Unfortunately for Spider, a pack of angry little dwarves appear and throw their axes, not one of them missing her.
What, NoClueBoy is still alive? Darn! You know, I’m starting to wonder if these predictions are entirely accurate!
Ponder Stibbons wanted to know what it felt like to be fired out of a cannon.
It’s not his fault he didn’t notice the wall.
Yeah! Thursday came and I’m still here.
Unless they meant by the Mayan calander…
Ooh, I wonder what would happen if I wen