Well, apparently the Adkins wave is starting to crest, and the popularity of the diet is waning. This means, of course, that it’s only a matter of time before some new fad diet comes along to annoy the crap out of us. So, let’s try to guess what the next fad diet will be. The rules for this are as follows:
[ul]
[li]No exercise! Remember, we’re fat and slovenly Americans who want to lose weight without breaking a sweat.[/li][li]No complex formulas! Not only do we not want to work our bodies to lose weight, we don’t want to work our brains, either.[/li][li]Nutritionally questionable. While the actual Adkins diet may have had some health benefits, people clung to the misguided idea that it was an “all meat, no bread” diet.[/li][li]The menu restrictions have to be soundbyte material. Short, and quick.[/li][li]It can’t be a popular diet already out there.[/li][/ul]My vote is for the “Butter Diet.” On this diet, you can eat whatever you want for two of your meals a day. The third meal can only consist of a stick of butter. Remember, it turns out that butter’s better for you than previously thought, so if a little’s good, a lot’s gotta be great!
Gastric bypass surgery.
Oh wait …
The popsicle diet.
Breakfast–Orange.
Lunch–Chocolate fudge.
Dinner–Lime.
Dessert–Cherry.
Snack–Banana or grape.
You can build things with your empty sticks.
Wait–no, you can’t. That would be exercise.
The Coconut Diet:
-
Buy a coconut;
-
Watch it carefully;
-
Eat what it eats – the Coconut Diet!
The Butter diet.
As soon as scientists discover that butter causes the breakdown of excess calories, people will be churning away. And it has to be REAL butter…not margarine. Ummmm…Butter
Fortified water. Piss away the pounds.
The Red Wine with your evening meal diet.
It cuts through the gunk clogging your arteries. (Which has been proven for years, sorry, to lazy to cite.) but this fad will be backed by the Wine Industry.
Diet pills. Not epherine based over-the-counter pills, but going to your doctor to get speed to curb your appetite. Essentially, it’s speed. And when it is mixed with a couple of Diet Cokes in the morning…wooooooo hoooooo! My husband has this and he has lost 25 pounds off his 5’10" 265 frame since last winter.
The Pepper Diet
Breakfast: ground white pepper
Lunch: ground black pepper
Dinner: cayenne pepper
Dessert: cilantro because it tastes like toothpaste
Ipecac Marinade for everything.
The Fear Factor diet. You can eat anything you want, as long as it’s been a challenge on Fear Factor. So you can have all the live insects, worms, or pig anuses that you want.
I think this would be an extremely effective diet program, as it would pretty much insure that you’d only eat when you were really, really hungry.
For a while now I’ve been predicting a backlash from disappointed people who’ve been stuffing their faces with pork for three years expecting to lose weight.
We’re going to see a middling university, probably one that’s trying to make a name for itself as the newest research powerhouse, publish a study* showing that carbs actually stimulate the metabolism into burning more calories faster.**
*Study made possible by a grant from Frito-Lay, makers of RUFFLES® Brand Potato Chips. No one can eat just one.
**Effects shown to occur in subjects who have been lost in the woods for two weeks scrounging for beetles and then given bags and bags full of fries.
And “high-carb” products will start flying off the shelves. Mark my words.
The SPAM diet.
That’s it, just SPAM.
For variety, SPAM and SPAM
Had to Google that, found this:
Directions:
1. Give on tablespoonful (15 ml, one half ounce) of Syrup of Ipecac.
. . .
4: Vomiting should occur in approximately 15-20 minutes.
Yup, that would work*****
*****Says Small Clanger, a land lubber who once got a job on a ship. Lost a lot of weight on that first trip.
We’ve already had diets that deprive your body of fat and carbohydrates, both of which are necessary in order to keep living. I thought, what else could I cut out to make my body run more effeciently?
Then, it came to me. Oxygen. It’s used all the time by my body’s cells in the creation of ATP. If I cut it out, my body would be forced to burn fat in order to keep making ATP and keep me alive. I figure, if I went without any oxygen for just a few weeks, I could lose up to 20 pounds!
As a bonus, anyone who buys into this diet and actually attempts it will die.
Oh yeah, nobody actually do this. You’ll lose weight, but only because the worms will be eating it off of you.
The Cereal Diet:
Go to you local supermarket and load up on any kinds of cereal that you want. Mix and match for any meal of the day.
Cocoa Puffs, Fat and Fruity, Humogeous Surprise. It’s all good.
Use only skim milk though.
Actually, this one is almost believeable enough to pass off on the guillable fat population.
The dried fruit diet will be next. Eat a pound of dried fruit a day and anything else you like. You’ll get enough exercise running to the toilet that losing weight will be easy.
Don’t you need oxygen to burn calories? I think you need the converse of this diet – the mega-oxygen diet. The theory being that with more O2, you burn calories faster. You’ll also need lots of anti-oxidents.
Eat less, and exercise.
Nah.
That’d never work.
The Graham Cracker Diet Lost twenty pounds now and stop masturbating!
I figure the commercial could feature a quiet, sullen heavy-set family at the dinner table in the first scene, their long faces overlooking a tray of raw vegetables and ice water. The second scene could show an emaciated yet happy family enjoying conversations on a wide variety of topics while indulging in fried chicken, mashed potatoes, buttered rolls, buttered sweet corn, all sorts of cheesecake deserts, chocolate pies and ice cream. The voiceover could go on about the new Ipecac Diet, and how it was developed by the not-so-evil genius “Dr.” Casey. “He reasoned,” the narrator would say, “if you can’t hold it down, it won’t turn into fat.”
Then it would also discuss side benefits, such as the whole family could do it, thereby strengthening the familial bond. Going a bit further, it could be pointed out that the muscles in your abdomen are at their tightest when you are vomiting.
Playing on the dinnertime conversation angle, my new diet’s catchphrase will be:
The Ipecac Diet. See what comes up over dinner.
I think it’s time for another round of “full body flush” diets. Nothing but tea/juice/special juice that you can only buy from me/water with some spice mixed in/cabbage soup for those who just can’t handle no solid food/etc. type of diets.
The kind that is incredibly overly restricted, but you do it for a week, and afterwards, you never want unhealthy food again!
Ha.
They haven’t been on the scene for a while.