ARGGHHH.
Little did our Hero, DBAMan, know that once again he he would be blindsided by an attack from the Infernal Legion of Impossibly Moronic Retards from Sales.
What is this? an email, Curses it is from Joey, a sub-henchman in the the Sales department.
What brain shateringly stupid thing can it possibly say:
“Can I get all the numbers from the account for a meeting, Joey Evil-And-Stupid”
What the fuck kind of dumbass request? My database has approximately 600 Billion numbers, from twelve acounts. Shall I start cutting down the forest to print it, or do you perhaps want to let me know what the hell you actually need. Not to mention the fact there are 12 seperate accounts, some of which are competetors, so knowing which acount would be help helpful.
DBAman requests more detail in an email.
The phone rings immediately, DBAman girds himself for prolonged battle with the forces of dumb.
Joey"I got your email …"
DBAman "Good you are competant at clicking the open email button, do you have a point?
Joey" I need those numbers, I have you on speaker phone with the bob theclient"
DBAman staggers from the onslaught of injudiciousness. Now he has to contend with civilian bystanders, who cannot be allowed to be dragged into the morass of dumb.
DBAman "Im not quite sure what numbers you needed, as clearly explained in the email. "
Joey “Just a summary of the important ones.”
DBAman "Oh well that clears it right the fuck up, let me hit the ‘Filter importance’ button onthe console. Perhaps you are looking for sales, invoices, commitments, volumn… any of these sound ‘important’
Joey “Sales, send me all the sales numbers!!”
DBAman, “that cuts it down to about 150 Billion numbers” Perhaps we can cut it down some more, and by the way which account is this?
Joey" The one for Bob the client."
The ever increasing wave of stupidity makes it hard to breath, Joey is a formidable one
DBAman “which is”
Joey “The Big and important client”
DBAman"Just give me the fucking name of the Fucking acount"
Bob the client “Yes this is Bob Sucker from Acme RoadRunner catchers”
- DBAman struggles valiantly to hold onto the thin rope of useful information throw by a bystander as the Dumb increases into a violent maelstrom.
DBAman fights for breath and says “Okay Acme Sales numbers, that is only 100 Million or so. would you like the grouped in some fashion?”
Joey" Ummmmmmmmmm just group them by division"
DBAman “Division? ACME has no divisions, just product lines, stores, and districts, Division means nothing! I can’t group by an imaginary criterion, in fact none of our accounts have divisions, Arn’t you idiots in the league of sales obstructionism supposed to know something about the accounts you try to sell?”
Bob the Client “I’m not sure what that means, we dont really think of our business in terms of divisions.”
Joey: “Well then just group by invoices.”
DBAman: On ACME Invoices have nothing to do with sales. Sales are store to customer Invoices are District to Store. There is no realtion I can’t group on that anymore that I can organze sales based on my favorite movie, it makes no damn sence!"
DBAman has had it, his mind can no longer cope with the shock wave of stupidity. The legion senses this and move in with a kill shot on his last remaming sanity.
Roger, Sales assist. underling of pointless acitvities. says, “we really need those numbers we are with a client, what is the expected time to get them, Director Frank, Ubercommandant Susan, Gerald and Wragonthon the destroyer are all waiting to sign off on this, how can we expidite this”
DBA makes a valiant final stand" Expidite? How the fuck can it be expidited, when it isn’t even an actual request yet, you have not given me any thing that can possibly be completed, under any circumstances whatsoever.
DBAman collapses. His eyes close as he shuffles off this mortal coil, but wait a single word escapes from his parched lips Gerald?
Gerald is in Finance/accounting. The secret ally of the Data holders. Did Roger screw up and accidentaly give some useful information as part of a request, it seems impossible, but there it is?
Accounts can hold back the Tsunami of Moronic requests. By an archaic power of logic and making sence, they can actually call things by what they are really called, details and specificity are at their command, they make sales requests into feasible structures and understandable language. If Gerald is involved, then all DBAman has to do is to find a way to contact him, and the powers of evil may yet not prevail.
But how. DBA man has only two types of weapons to break away from the clutches of the Legion and buy time. The first is “Technological failure”, but that cannot be used in the presence of a civilian, as the collateral may make us look even more incompetant. That leaves on the last resort, “Process Roadblock”. Process roadblock is a difficult weapon to use. It can be broken down by begging, lying, or even expiditing, which the Legion has shown they have no compunction about using. DBAman will have to go for the biggest of all Process Roadblocks, the Mother of all regulations, the one that cannot be expidited away. The insidious power of the “SOX”, DBAman feels dirty even contemplating it’s use, but he has no choice he must throw the SOX bomb and a big fat screaming lie, and try to get to Gerald.
DBAman"You know, due to the SOX accountablility requirements, reports of this type have to be requested in with the proper format and Sign off. I can send you the stuff to do, but if Gerald is involved he already knows it. I can handle it with him easy"
Ureka! the evil cannot hope to understand the SOX, and flees in terror hanging up the phone. DBAman regains strength as he basks in victory.
He summons forth Gerald “Hey, dude what is this report for ACME all about?”
Gerald: “Frank just wants the 2008 fiscal year actual sales, reported sales, and returned sales numbers, by month, summed for each district.”
DBAman, “Cool, ill get that to you in 5 minutes, and if they say something about SOX, just tell them you took care of it.”
Gerald, “okay, ;)”