For those of you who don’t pay attention to every aspect of my life as if I were a b-list hottie boinking another b-list hottie, I work as the accounting application manager at a fairly large government contractor. I also do some minor DBA and LAN work, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is that I have access to tons of information, and I know how to read it. So if someone tells me something that doesn’t jibe with what I know to be true, I know they’re lying to me.
I had a user email me the other day and say that his account was deactivated and he couldn’t run his monthly report and would I look into it. But of course, that’s my job. So I go to check to see if his account had been deactivated due to lack of use, and sure enough he was deactivated at the end of July. This puzzled me, but he confirmed that he had been running it monthly.
Why are you lying to me? That’s impossible. You have been completely incapable of running this report for months. Your account has not been active. Why then, when I ask you how often you use it you tell me every month? Just realize that I know you’re lying to me.
I had another lady ask me about a calculated column in a collection report I built for her two years ago. It seems the field that decodes the business unit just suddenly “stopped working”. When I look at it, I see that it’s still using the calculation for the reorg we were using two reorgs ago. No wonder it wasn’t working. I casually ask her how often she uses it. She tells me every week.
Why are you lying to me? That’s impossible. If you were running this every week like you claim, you would’ve noticed this some 20 months ago. I’m not going to get into a heated argument with you about it, because that would be a waste of my time, but I’d like you to know that I know you’re lying to me.
These are just two examples of the crap I have to deal with from my users all the time. Why do they lie? What do they have to gain from it?
Don’t you realize that I am the Gatekeeper of Financial and Employee Data and that I am all-knowing? I can tell when you log on in the morning and when you log on at night. So don’t walk by my office talking out loud to no one in particular about the “crazy hours” you’re putting in on this conversion project. I can tell you’re barely logged on for 6 hours a day, but more importantly I see that your projects are behind schedule on the project plan. Just so you know, I know that you’re lying.
Are you trying to impress me? Does my grasp of technology cause you to idolize me and want to make nice-nice with me? Do you think that my being your “work buddy” (read “friend I never see outside of work because I’m not really his friend, only nice enough to him so that he’ll help me when I need it”) will cause your issue to jump to the top of my work queue? It doesn’t work that way, junior. The only people I jump for are my boss, my VP, and that hot chick in AP with the nice ass and the belly button ring. Your stupid issue of not being able to make that cute digital picture of your dog into your wallpaper is just not that vital to the company and will wait until I have taken care of all the report requests, demands for data from auditors, and user setups have been done first.
I’ll help you when you need help. That’s why they pay me. Just don’t lie to me, because I know when you do. If you piss me off enough, maybe I’ll just “accidentally” lower your annual salary by 50%.*
Don’t fuck with the System Administrator.
*Just to be clear, I would never do this. In fact, there are controls in place that would track when I do this, so I would be fired if I ever did. But I’m allowed to fantasize, right?