I could not answer the poll because I cannot read.
Your police report was absolutely correct with the exception of my gender, and that you missed the part where I inevitably shout “I’m an English Major, dammit!”, which makes me even more pretentious. 
A long, long, time ago, an elementary-school-aged olives went whining to her mother: ‘‘Mom! The kids at school make fun of me because I raise my hand in class all the time. What should I do?’’
Mom: ‘‘Stop raising your hand in class all the time. Everyone hates a know-it-all.’’
I found out something interesting when I finally shut my mouth: there are plenty of smart people who are not educated. I feel like I have had to put in years of education to even be half as smart as some of the uneducated people I know. There are teenagers on this board who make me feel like a complete dumbass. You could fill the Grand Canyon with the gaps in my knowledge.
I also learned that intelligence is usually self-evident. I see way more value in a simply expressed idea than a convoluted theoretical rambling that is devoid of content. I find you can generally tell within one or two sentences if someone is smart, and their grammar and education level has fuck-all to do with it. I’ve never felt the need to ‘‘prove’’ I’m smart. Usually people figure it out eventually.
That said, I LOVE learning. So much of who I am has been defined by the things I have learned. I get really excited when they come up and I can’t help myself. I don’t think I’m arrogant, but who the hell knows? I am getting tired of worrying what other people think of me. It’s exhausting. So I may not be as far from your mentality as you think.
I actually find people are much more receptive to learning when they aren’t put on the defensive. When I talk about specific things I have learned, it is usually because I found learning it was really significant to my understanding of the issue. I used to be a grammar Nazi, until I discovered the concept of descriptivism, and began to think about how language is so closely tied to class privilege in our society. I would love it if the Nazis of the Straight Dope would sit down and critically consider the function of language and who makes the rules about what is and is not proper English.
Netspeak is an excellent example. Everyone hates netspeak. Never mind that it has served as a very efficient means of communication, first for gamers, now for texters. Never mind that there is plenty of evidence that it is in no way correlated with writing aptitude.
Language evolves. It was meant to evolve. It will continue to evolve. You can’t stop it. Let go.
Rather be called an IO, because I know I’m not one and it’d roll right off my back.
I’m not at all sure I’m not a PA, sometimes.
This is the best answer.
I have a distant relative (we have the same mother and father) who will conclude arguments regarding word meaning and language and any topic that could conceivably be related to language (history, literature, race migrations, UFOs ) with the unanswerable retort " Who is the linguist in this family? "
He is.
I like illiterate oafs more than pretentious asses, so I’ll hang with the oafs.
On the sofa.
Hangin’ with the oafs on the sofa of life.
Yes, but taking steps not to be labeled an ass in the first place removes any need to make the distinction.
Illiterate Oaf it is.
Huh. I’m honored that anyone thought it was a question worthy of a poll. 
Clearly I already chose pretentious ass. Having dipped back into the other thread a bit, I’m rather enjoying the irony of people not realizing that once one starts launching an anti-prescriptivist defense of laziness-based illiteracy, one has joined the darkside and become a pretentious ass. 
Pretentious Ass, because nothing turns on the chicks like flawless grammar and spelling.
We hang on your every woid.
By the way, there’s 100G waiting for you in that other thread. You may have to send your banking information to Nigeria.
Without question I’d choose to be an illiterate oaf, once I figured out that the smart kids had less friends then the dumb kid it was an easy decision. I occasionally surprise people when I spout off about a subject and they’d been assuming all along that I was an idiot. Over all it takes less energy and I’d rather have people underestimate me then overestimate me.
Your mom is killing me. Love her.
I’m going to go with IO, because PA is a character flaw. IO isn’t. Unless one isn’t even trying at all to learn.