My partner is in hospital with pneumonia, and I have rung the friends and relations who might want to know what’s going on with him, including his boss. His boss has been really great about giving him time off work, no pressure to come back before he is ready, and praying for his recovery. He has been really nice, but he keeps asking me to tell him when my partner is well enough for visitors, so that he can come and see him in hospital. My partner says "no way’ - he doesn’t want any visitors at all (except me and the kids (and not too much of the kids)). His friends and family all understand, but I don’t know what to say to his boss. Even if I don’t tell him where he is, all he has to do is ring the hospital and ask. I have to say something to stop him from coming, but I don’t know how to phrase it. What can I say?
“He really appreciates everything you’ve done, but he’s still weak and very ill. We’ll let you know when he’s up for visitors.”
I second the motion. Be firm!
Can you enlist the hospital people if need be? Have them not let people in if they do show up?
I had surgery almost 4 years ago. I told everyone I did not want visitors in the hospital.
AFTER I got home, I welcomed visitors. Then, it was comforting, and being in my own surroundings made it easier for me.
Good luck to all of you.
Love
David
I think this is about all you should have to say. When my husband was in the hospital for a gall bladder removal, once he was starting to feel better, he welcomed visitors because he was so bored. If your partner doesn’t want visitors, he doesn’t want visitors.
This can be a struggle–especially with a long illness. I’ve found being totally honest is the best policy. People really mean well–and they really care–they are just clueless most of the time. A couple times I actually had to ask people to leave–usually by telling them they were the fourth consequtive visitor and we were just too exhausted for more than a hello.
If you can think of things they can do, they appreciate it. Let them prepare a meal for your family or his, let them mow his lawn. Ask them to send photographs. Tell them how much he appreciates the cards. Ask them to pick up stamps and cards so you can write thank you notes.
Agreed with the above, just let people know that he appreciates them thinking of him, but he’s not feeling up to having visitors. Here’s the thing… in my experience, no one really loves hanging out at the hospital (with the exception of the maternity/newborns ward), so most people won’t require a whole lot of persuasion to just send a card.
The conversation is being carried on by text, and it’s hard to get the right tone. I’ve said he’s too sick atm, and his boss said let him know when he’s better. It doesn’t matter if he’s better or not he still doesn’t want visitors. The boss texted me again this morning, so I said “he’s still very sick”. I hope he gets the message.
Instead of “he’s still very sick” why not just “he’s not up for visitors”?
Too easy?
Maybe a short seminar on " … when he has visitors, he feels he has to sit up and entertain them (or at least make host noises). It’s too tiring - plus some people stay far too long. A
fifteen minute in-and-out isn’t worth your paying the parking fees … when he comes home …"
or even,
“When he gets home, he’ll call you. Without all the staff interruptions at the hospital, you know, he and you would have a better time to visit …”
Perhaps a short note, being thankful and gracious, with the unspoken ‘visitors later’?
Hardly anyone writes thank you notes these days so score points with Da Chief!
an seanchai
We offer the option for people to be ‘Private Patients’, meaning that no information is given via the phone without a password, and a sign is put on the door, telling people they must visit the nurses station before entering the room.
Use the hospital staff to run interference and put the phone on private for no direct calls. I wanted no calls and no visitors while in labor and the staff was wonderful.
Consider suggesting that they ‘visit’ via the telephone.
Most visitors are quite satisfied with this; it lets them talk with the person, give him their good wishes, etc.
And it’s usually much easier on the patient than an in-person visit: no need to worry about getting cleaned up & presentable, no need to sit up or much physical effort at all except holding the phone, and easy to end the conversation when the patient is tired out (either just say “I’m tired out” or a little white lie “I have to go now – the nurse is here”).
It also works for you to make that call when you are visiting at the bedside – then you can some of the talking, and it’s easy for you to take over the phone & conversation if you see the patient is getting tired.