So, if I fail this test by not having the energy to do it, does that make me Christian or just really damn lazy?
They were absent the day that the fallacy of the excluded middle was discussed in philosophy class–or, more likely, didn’t attend such classes at all, as only godless heathens think.
… and here’s an alternative test. I promise immediate results.
Say the following out loud:
SHMA YISRAEL ADONAI ELOHENU ADONAI ECHAD
SHMA YISRAEL ADONAI ELOHENU ADONAI ECHAD
SHMA YISRAEL ADONAI ELOHENU ADONAI ECHAD
Done?
What, you think you’re Jewish now? Ha! It should be so easy. No go away and stop bothering me.
Wait, wait, there’s another effect. After that prayer, I find I don’t like Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
No, nevermind. False alarm. I just remembered that I already thought the movie was pretentious and overrated.
OK, maybe I’m not too educumated in the ways of radical fundamentalism, but is that supposed to be a trick to convert an atheist into a Christian? Kinda like an abra cadabra spell that one can, even accidentally, cast on oneself? Is that it? It can’t be… can it???
Okay, I did it and I still don’t believe in Jebus!
I like the google ads though. Anybody care to guess what the “Jesus Ringtone” is?
Your worry’s in the wrong place.
Know how sometimes, it’s a perfectly nice day, not a cloud in sight, and you feel a drop or two of water landing on your skin, as though it were starting to rain? You look around, but can’t figure out where it came from and so you figure you imagined it?
Those are fundamentalists walking around with holy-water spray bottles. You’ve been baptized and don’t even know it.
Be safe - wear a wetsuit. It’s also great to protect you against the Blood of Christ, should there be any being flung around in the vicinity.
I tried to say it but got bored. Short attention span for these things, you know.
I saw Bloody Mary in the mirror, does that count? I think it means I’ll die in seven days.
Well, if there is a God, if you say that prayer he’ll smite you because a preposition is not a thing to be ending a sentence with.
That’s one possibility. Another is that it proves to us heathens just how gosh-darn easy it is to be saved. As if an atheist is someone who wants to accept Jay-zus, but thinks it’s too much work.
I said “3x” out loud and I don’t feel any different. Am I doing something wrong?
Did you receive a really large shirt?
They didn’t count on me. I’m the laziest atheist.
OK, so I called our IT guy over here and got him to bend over to look the power cord to my computer while I bashed him over the head with my coffee mug. I then slit his wrists while he was unconscious and thrashed his body all around the office. Things were getting pretty sticky and I pretty much live at work, so I consider that a check. Next I drug his body out to the car and tossed him in my trunk. I had to move quick as his pulse was getting weak, so I didn’t have time to stop and talk with the coworkers I passed in the hall. I think the blood in the workplace thing worked though as they were all making religious gestures. Hooray for the power of God!
It was a couple of hours until I was able to make it back to my hometown, and then another half hour to track down my mom and work, so by the time I opened the trunk he was looking really pale. I had to drag him into the office by his ankles. It took quite a while because no one would direct me to the correct room, they just yelled and ran off in fear. There are Satanists everywhere, and they are terrified of the Lord!
So I finally managed to find my mom, who was just frozen with Holy Power as I approached. I thwacked her on the head with the IT guy’s wrist a couple times, but it had pretty well dried out, so I had to pick him up upside down by his waist and stand on the desk in order to get the last drops out (He was actually pretty light by now, you would be surprised how much blood weighs!). After jumping up and down a few times I was able to get a good spray going, and man was that enough! As soon as it hit my mom she went into a frenzy of Holy Ecstasy! She jumped up and ran in circles around the room calling out to God.
I still have a couple more family members to get to, but I am not sure how much blood I have left, maybe I shouldn’t have annointed my own office so much. Anyways, I hear sirens so maybe I can get them to help me carry this guy. All this Old Time Religion wears a guy out. The one thing I can’t figure out is how the the person who sent the email knew our IT guy was named Jesus. Wow, maybe she is a prophet!
The brain.
Too late… I done been Baptized, Confessed, Communioned and Confirmed.
But they’ll give me the Last Rights over my dead body! 
Well, I tried it. However, if I go any further with this, I might have to get circumcised, which is not something I want to contemplate at my time of life. (Though, I grant you, it would be less messy than applying the blood of Jesus everywhere.)
So…you’re a laztheist? (ba doom doom!)
Now I have an image of Jesus hooked up to an IV drip, with the other arm dangling over an assembly line of bottles. Like Laverne and Shirley, only redder.
Been there, dont that, bought the T-shirt, over 20 years ago.
It only stuck for two years, I’m a Dead-Again Agnostic now.
That’s easy for you to say! ;j