Am I christian or a tampon now?
My head started spinning and I spewed pea soup everywhere.
(… THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU, BITCH!)
Oh my.
What kind of instrument would one apply the blood of Jesus with anyway?
I mean, I was originally planning on going with the Black & Decker Power Painter, but my buddy over in Oshtemo tells me you can’t go wrong with the Wagner Power Sprayer.
My dad keeps telling me that you have to do it the old-timey way, with a broad paint brush, but I think he’s just old.
And yet something tells me that you might be better off using a good quality juicer on your Jesus and then just going all Jackson Pollock with the Lord.
Decisions, decisions.
Mock me if you will ! At least I’ll be eaten first ! Ha !
Cthulhu ftahgn !
I tried to do the test, but my cubemates were giving me really odd looks (even odder than the ones I usually get, I mean), so I aborted.
Not sure what that proves.
That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
No, that’s me. I did the whole online-ordination thingy, and now I drive around performing drive-by baptisms.
That only godless heathens have abortions?
I’m thinking if the author of the glurdge gets enough takers, Jesus will give him a free toaster.
I prefer applying the blood of jesus via a blood-balloon fight.
But real Xtians don’t toast their bread, they smite it.
I gave it a shot. It didn’t work, but maybe that’s 'cuz I was laughing to hard during the blood of Jesus frenzy.
–Cliffy
Bobo, that there is genius, pure genius! 
Oh, and I couldn’t even read the damn thing without gagging. If I actually said it outloud, I could very easily vomit while my head was spinning.
Have you been to Jesus for the cleansing power?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Are you fully trusting in His grace this hour?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Refrain
Are you washed in the blood,
In the soul cleansing blood of the Lamb?
Are your garments spotless? Are they white as snow?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Are you walking daily by the Savior’s side?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Do you rest each moment in the Crucified?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Refrain
When the Bridegroom cometh will your robes be white?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Will your soul be ready for the mansions bright,
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Refrain
Lay aside the garments that are stained with sin,
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb;
There’s a fountain flowing for the soul unclean,
O be washed in the blood of the Lamb!
Refrain
:eek:
You guys are forgetting your symbolism. In the Holy Sacrament of Communion, the Blood of Christ is present in the form of wine. I’ll drink to that!
That’s a lot of blood. Going to need a God dam to stop it.
Unless you believe in transubstantiation, in which case it’s just blood and you can’t get smashed off it. Unless of course you do, in which case the Main Man was way over the limit and pumping ethanol at the last supper. I’ll call Dan Brown to check…
I read both three times. So now I’m an atheist? 
[ Huge Nitpick ] (because this is the Straight Dope® and some of you people are behaving in ignorance).
A heathen is not an atheist.
An atheist is not a heathen.
Heathens are simply pagans in Germanic countries in the way that pagans are heathens in Latin countries. The two words mean the same thing “those rubes who still believe in the old pantheons of polytheism.” Neither means atheist. If you must address yourselves in generic terms, try “infidels,” “unbelievers,” “skeptics,” or other words indicating an absence of belief. Quit using words that indicate a type of belief to indicate a lack of belief.
- ahem * Sorry. I have seen “heathen” used to mean “unbeliever” just one time too many over the last few days and it finally broke my reticence to interfere with other persons’ rants.
You may now proceed with your thread.
I’ll tell you what, you let me pick the wine, and I’ll take my chances on the whole transsubstantiation thingy! 