Sorry to do a little diary-ing here but I mean, this is just really amazing to me. The effects so far are quiet, subtle, yet in their implications, really dramatic.
Food. I don’t want to eat everything anymore. Not that I feel sick or something–just that constant urge to eat whatever food I see, it’s just not there anymore. I don’t know if this is placebo or what and I don’t see this listed on any list of effects of zoloft (in fact weight gain is the usual side effect it seems) but this is the simple fact. I drove in a car today with half a pizza sitting in the passenger seat. It’s hard to explain if you don’t have the problem I’ve had with food but it is simply mind-blowing that the pizza survived the drive. And it wasn’t even a close call. It simply wasn’t tempting. Sure I knew I’d enjoy the taste if I ate it, but I also knew I was too full to eat anything. It would hurt if I finished the thing off.
You don’t understand. “I won’t eat that because I feel full” is not something that I ever think, ever. Instead, at best I’ve only ever been able to think “I really shouldn’t eat that because I’m full but oh god nom nom nom.”
I was just like, “eh, that’ll be nice to eat tomorrow.”
And I passed by a Jack in the Box which, on this evening on the way home each week, I usually grab a burger. And fries. from, hungry or not, already ate dinner or not. I know this sounds so weird to many people but it was like a compulsion–one I enjoyed a great deal, though I knew it had no good effects on my body or my budget.
Yet tonight–not. even. tempted. a little bit. It was so incredibly unreal.
I haven’t yelled at my kids even one time this week. I’m sorry to say this is also a wonderful sign. My kids and I are close but I have been far too on edge with them for many months now at least. That has stopped. Cold turkey, almost from day one.
Brain fog. I didn’t even know I had what a lot of sufferers call “brain fog.” I thought I was just, like, groggy. No–that’s gone! There’s a clarity to things that is just----different.
Sleepiness. I’m not drowsy all day. I’m not even sure I ever was actually “drowsy” now–I just wanted to disengage I think. I’m not sure, it’s hard to explain. But this thing happened yesterday. I have a habit, when I’m feeling like I don’t want to get my shit together at some point during the day, of just closing my eyes. Eventually this leads to sleep many times, but the main thing is I’m just closing my eyes, just kind of ceasing activity for a while. Not so much forced by tiredness to fall asleep, but rather, letting tiredness take over so I don’t have to do anything else.
Yesterday I was feeling a bit like that. I closed my eyes, as is my habit. And not a voice, but anyway my thought, came through very clearly, clearly enough it’s best I just put it into words: “What are you doing? There’s a world out there, open your eyes and let it in.”
Guys, this is not me. I mean it’s me, of course, but it’s not what I’ve ever been like.
This’ll sound funny but I’ve graduated from just ceasing all useful activity when I’m tired of having my shit together, to procrastinating by doing something useful when I’m tired of having my shit together! Like, instead of sitting there reading the internet all day, I’ll go organize my pantry. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m no workhorse, doubt that I’ll ever be. But there’s just a little more energy and drive happening than I’m used to. I’ve been able to do things before, I’m not comatose, but it feels much less like forcing myself to do something than I’ve been used to for a long time.
Anyway, just registering how surprised I am by all this. It’s not like I have a hugely different internal feeling, it’s rather that the world around me seems a little different, in a way that lets me engage in fewer self-destructive behaviors. And I know the world seeming different is almost certainly an effect of whatever this zoloft is doing to my brain. So I’m pretty happy about this.
Man alive. I wish I’d done this long ago.
I hope it’s not temporary.