Public farting

In My Humble Opinion
141

[QUOTE=Kalhoun]
Noooooooo! :eek: No passing the baton, and for crissakes, no encouragment…This needs to die with Mr. K. :stuck_out_tongue:
[/QUOTE]

Hell, he’s my hero. I like telling my favorite story about my ex. We’re sleeping in the ground floor of the dorm and I had a dream that I farted. “No, you can’t do that. You’re sleeping next to the girl! No…wait…this is a dream…commence firing!”

In the real world, the first blast woke her up. She looked out the window because she was convinced that the sound was vehicular in nature. “What truck is blasting its horn in the driveway at 3:30 in the morning?” This is about where I let go with the second blast and she let down the blinds.

She pokes my side. “It was you! You farted!”

Me, mostly asleep still: “Did not…hehe…zzzzzz.”

142

[QUOTE=kenobi 65]
Reminds me of an old joke:

An old woman goes to see her doctor.

“I’ve got this problem…I’m passing wind, all the time. At least they’re silent, and they don’t smell.”

The doctor nods, and writes her a prescription. “Come back and see me in two weeks.”

Two weeks later, the old woman comes back.

“I don’t know what you’re giving me, but it’s not working! I’m passing wind just as much as I was before, but at least before, it didn’t smell. Now, it smells terribly!”

The doctor nods. “Alright, we’ve got your sense of smell working again. Now, we’ll work on the hearing.”

As for my embarrassing fart stories…well, I have to say, as a guy, about the only time I’m embarrassed about farting is at work (and I’m usually able to hold it in here). OTOH, at home, my wife is fond of saying, “Jeezy petes, how can you do that and live???”

When I was a boy (maybe 11 or 12), my younger sister had a friend over for a sleepover. The two of them were in our family room, in sleeping bags. It being Wisconsin, in the wintertime, we had a space-heater in that room (one of those old ones, with a glowing element like a toaster, and a fan to move the air). Feeling gassy, I ran into the family room, squatted down in front of the space-heater, and let fly. The heat from the space-heater amplified the stank, and the fan moved it around nicely. That friend never wanted to sleep over again…and, 30 years later, my sister still tells that story. :smiley:
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In the days before central heating, I used to like to blow ass in a fan and watch the carnage unfold.

143

[QUOTE=Kalhoun]
Once, during a 5am shopping excursion, he farted so loud in the canned veggies aisle, that an old woman freaked and ran away. She looked like her purse had been snatched or something.
[/QUOTE]
Well, you gotta admit that doing that is a lot more considerate than farting in Fresh Produce.

By the way, I can’t believe that dogs “suffer from gas” or mind it when humans fart. To them, it’s just another movement (sorry) in the Symphony of Odor that they’ve enjoyed all their lives.

Bessie the Labrador is completely unperturbed by her occasional silent but deadly emissions (which generally occur during the 20 hours a day she is sleeping). Just one time do I recall her producing an audible fart, which caused her to turn and gaze perplexedly at her butt. “Where did that come from???”

144

[QUOTE=cmyk]
Listen ladies, I’m not sure you realize it, but all of you fart uninhibited while you’re asleep. Every girl I’ve ever been with, has torn major ass while unconscious. I’ll try and drift off, when all of the sudden, I’m startled to the sound of someone ripping a hole in space and time (apparently to the Jurassic area, over the rotting T-Rex corpse in some tar pit). Then I get dizzy and nauseous. I look over, and she’s blissfully unaware that she about snuffed out the delicate life that resides in her SO.

Also, why is it anytime I need to rip one in public, it trails behind me, like I’m towing the month old carcass of a Tibetan Yak? At mouth height, none-the-less.
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I nearly choked on my gum, I laughed so hard at this. And yes, I farted. I’m quite gassy today.

I currently carry the Fart of Smiting +1.

145

[QUOTE=Jackmannii]
Well, you gotta admit that doing that is a lot more considerate than farting in Fresh Produce.

By the way, I can’t believe that dogs “suffer from gas” or mind it when humans fart. To them, it’s just another movement (sorry) in the Symphony of Odor that they’ve enjoyed all their lives.

Bessie the Labrador is completely unperturbed by her occasional silent but deadly emissions (which generally occur during the 20 hours a day she is sleeping). Just one time do I recall her producing an audible fart, which caused her to turn and gaze perplexedly at her butt. “Where did that come from???”
[/QUOTE]

So has no one else had the dog look up at you with disgust in their eyes and get up off the couch and leave the room after you let a ripper while watching TV? Sometimes they mind quite a bit. (It didn’t help that she was snuggled up next to my butt at the time.)

146

[QUOTE=cmyk]
Listen ladies, I’m not sure you realize it, but all of you fart uninhibited while you’re asleep.
[/QUOTE]

Oh man… a while back, I woke up in the middle of the night, and my wife had stolen all the covers.

So I reach over and get a handful of the covers and pull, but nothing comes loose. I mutter “Come on, give me some!” and yank a little bit harder.

At which point she unconsciously blasts a huge, long, loud and vaguely wet sounding fart. Which reeked terribly, by the way.

My response was “Ok then.” and rolled over the other way and fell asleep with no covers.

147

[QUOTE=Dazzling White Diamonds]
I currently carry the Fart of Smiting +1.
[/QUOTE]

My wife claims that mine hang in the air for 5d6 rounds, and force a DC 20 Fortitude save (failed save = death). Yes, we’re D&D geeks. :smiley:

148

[QUOTE=Jackmannii]
Well, you gotta admit that doing that is a lot more considerate than farting in Fresh Produce.

By the way, I can’t believe that dogs “suffer from gas” or mind it when humans fart. To them, it’s just another movement (sorry) in the Symphony of Odor that they’ve enjoyed all their lives.

Bessie the Labrador is completely unperturbed by her occasional silent but deadly emissions (which generally occur during the 20 hours a day she is sleeping). Just one time do I recall her producing an audible fart, which caused her to turn and gaze perplexedly at her butt. “Where did that come from???”
[/QUOTE]

Our dog does this as well, but she looks accusatorially at her butt. “Asshole! how dare you betray me to the humans!”

149

[QUOTE=Acid Lamp]
“Asshole! how dare you betray me to the humans!”
[/QUOTE]

If I had dime for every time I’ve said that…

150

I’m a pretty unembarrased public farter. I’m not going to risk a distended bowel for someone elses sense of propriety. If I have time, I’ll move away or maybe I might ask someone I know “hey, I just jammed this pinky pretty good, can you help me pull it loose?” (yes, I get people to fall for the ‘pull my finger’ trick that way.)

Miss Manners says that you should ignore anyone’s fecal fanfare, should it occur in public, the event did not happen. So, I’m really just testing how polite other people are. If they comment, or let on in any way that they’ve heard or smell me farting, they aren’t very polite, are they?

Within about a week, one of the roomates here said “Damn, you’re a gassy little guy, aren’t you?” I let his rudeness pass without comment.

151

When I’m with my girlfriend, I try to fart as loudly as possible. The emission is then blamed on the nearest object, mostly being the bed or the chair. “Stupid chair!” “Stupid shoes!” It’s quite the in-joke with us.

152

[QUOTE=Hockey Monkey]
So has no one else had the dog look up at you with disgust in their eyes and get up off the couch and leave the room after you let a ripper while watching TV? Sometimes they mind quite a bit. (It didn’t help that she was snuggled up next to my butt at the time.)
[/QUOTE]

My husband farts on his cat’s head all the time (hey, she’s the one that wants to snuggle up to his butt. She should know the dangers by this time.) She doesn’t seem to mind, though. Of course, I think she’d happily sleep with her head in his “running shoes of death.” Mmmm, stinky.

Auto, you’re not forcing farts, are you? You know the old saying - never force a fart.

153

[QUOTE=Jackmannii]
Well, you gotta admit that doing that is a lot more considerate than farting in Fresh Produce."
[/QUOTE]

Well that may be true, but this woman grabbed her cart and shuffled away quickly…repeatedly glancing over her shoulder as if the fart was *gaining * on her! No…this is no way to treat the elderly.

154

I am sitting here convulsing with suppressed laughter. Bad, bad, Dopers.

And I can’t believe the thread made it to page 4 without a mention of Robert Tilton.

155

My friend’s husband needed to pass gas. They were having a family outing on her brother’s boat. So Joe backs up to a wall thinking he could fart quietly.

Oops! The sound echoed off the hard surface and everyone on the boat heard it, magnified! Now they never let him forget it.

Poor Joe.

156

[QUOTE=beanpod]
Since buying a laptop, I’ve been working outside my house a lot more often, which is a blessing. However, the freedom of working from home comes with certain perks. You can take off your shoes. You can sit in comfortable positions and furniture. You can have a snack. You can, bluntly, fart whenever you want.

You can’t do that in a coffee shop, or god forbid the library.

I find myself waiting until the music at the coffee shop gets loud, or has…let’s say, staccato beats, until I can quietly sneak one out when necessary. It’s only when I can’t hold it back, and only when moving to the bathroom (my preferred public farting place) would be a moot point, because as soon as I move it’ll all be over.

Yeah, I’m kind of gross. :o

But given some of the horrible threads I’ve seen here, I know you guys are, too. Who else does this? Do you play coy like me? Do you clamp it down like Fort Knox? Do you just let fly and hope for th best?
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In England we have a saying
Too much information.