Uh… I sort of expect people who are in a public toilet stall to be pissing and shitting. I mean, that’s what it is FOR - elimination of bodily wastes.
Now, for a particularly odoriffic episode - courtesy flush and/or muttered apologies to anyone gagging in the vicinity, but really, people can’t help that their shit smells. That’s a more or less inherent property of shit. It has to be something really offensive before I bother, though. Thanks to good bowel habits and lots of fiber in my diet I generally unload in under a minute anyhow, so it’s not like a courtesy flush usually speeds up the process by more than 30 seconds anyhow. And with autoflush toilets it’s easier just to finish and stand up than try to figure out how to manually trigger a flush.
Coughing, etc. to cover sounds is just… ridiculous. I mean, I still hear crap hitting the water in the bowl. You’re not fooling anyone. Why do people have to pretend they don’t extrude waste?
So… public pooping rules:
Poop in the toilet, not on the floor, the sink, the urinal, in the waste bin, or anywhere else besides the toilet. (You would THINK this goes without saying, but apparently some people either don’t know this or are too drunk/high to care)
Minimize gratuitous grunting and groaning - it’s taking a shit, not giving birth.
For Big Stink courtesy flush/apologies
If you happen to make a mess clean it up or at least let someone know who can get it cleaned up. Likewise, report clogs or other problems.
But then when you’re done and need to flush before leaving the stall, what do you do? Open the door, stretch out to flush, and run like hell to avoid the microscopic fecal cloud?
And please, for the love of God, if you’re going to pick your nose while you’re in the stall, don’t wipe it on the wall. Jesus! There’s toilet paper right there! I really don’t want to see your giant, green, slightly bloody boogs! BTW, this happens at my office…disgusting people.
I want to print your rules and post them in the bathroom, but they’ll prolly wind up with a booger stuck on it.
I’m like James Hetfield in there the louder the drop are quickly followed by a YEAHHH! BAZINGA !!!
or KA-BOOM!!! If you have a friend in the next stall you can have a great game of battleshits.
Other than not pissing on the seats and not flushing. I pretty much don’t care what goes on in there.
The stall is one of the only places where you’re effectively anonymous in public. As long as you’re not wearing distinctive shoes, you can slink away without anyone being the wiser to your true identity.
In that case, I say make the most of it. Go dramatic: “ohmygodohmygodohmygod HUUUUUUUuuuuuuR!” Then go intrigued: “Huh.” Then go incredulous: “WTF?” Bring it to a close with resignation: “sigh, buffets.”
As long as you don’t take a bow when you rejoin society, you’ll be just another schlub.
We actually had a funny memo posted at work about this three years ago. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it basically described what a booger was, and that everyone has them. I do remember the last line: “Please refrain from placing boogers on the walls of the restrooms.” I actually took one of the memos down, copied it, and brought it home to show the wife. Both of us got a great laugh out of it.
You’re in the shitter, that is exactly where you’re supposed to make nasty noisys and bad smells. I agree with Mangetout, AskNott, etc.
Wasting precious natural resources by a useless “courtesy flush” just pegs you are someone who cares more about what others think about your bathroom habits than the environment. I roll my eyes at idiots who flush the urinal before and/or during use.
Yanno, I totally get the appeal for Viking stoves, refrigerators, etc. So… why isn’t there a Viking toilet? Cast iron, sound system, self-cleaning, cup holder and heated seats, it would be the ultimate in providing a courtesy durfing experience for everyone within a 50 ft. radius.
