Ok, let me read back your order: Shot of whiskey, Larry…Vodka on the rocks, Shemp…Eggnog, Curly…sorry, what was the last one again?
Cocoa, Moe.
What would monsieur like with his toast?
Lady Orange Marmalade.
Hey Tron, you seem kinda down recently, what happened?
It’s all because of Clu, I’m feeling sad and lonely.
Can I use your mnemonic for the obstetrics test?
You put your right hand in, you pull the baby out, you put the scooper in, then you shake it all around.
What did the sniper at the KISS concert say?
I want to lock & load all nite.
A Mormon with two wives found out he had terminal cancer. He told both Margory and Christina that he was soon to leave this earth and go into paradise. They both burst into tears.
He repeated that he would soon be with the Lord in paradise, and added “Don’t Cry For Me, Marge and Tina.”
God and Jesus were out golfing and since every day is so bright in heaven, they were having trouble with the glare. Jesus decided to send Paddy O’Malley, the caddy, to the pro shop to get them some sunglasses. However, Paddy, not very bright and mostly drunk, brought two of the exact same pair. This caused a lot of confusion, as Jesus’ head and God’s head aren’t the same size. St. Peter, who was driving the cart and keeping score, came up with an elegant solution:
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the Lord’s Oakleys.
No kidding.
Sam Frank and Frank Sam were best friends. They did everything together, and they both loved music. Sam Frank was an accomplished pianist and Frank Sam was a harpist. They spent many happy hours playing duets. They both happened to die on the same day.
Frank Sam went to heaven, but apparently Sam Frank led a life that was not as chaste, for he ended up in Hell. After a few weeks, Frank Sam began to miss his life long friend so he went to Saint Peter and asked if he could go down and visit him in Hell. Saint Peter, after much discussion agreed, but told Frank Sam he must be back before midnight. The Pearly Gates closed at the last strike of the clock, and if he wasn’t back he would have to remain in Hell forever.
Frank grabbed his harp and went to visit Sam. When he got down there, he discovered that Sam Frank was doing OK in Hell. He was the manager of a disco. The two old friends had a wonderful time together. They spent the day playing duets, and that night, they danced and partied in the disco. Suddenly Frank Sam heard the clock begin to strike midnight. He ran out of the disco and flew back to heaven as fast as he could. He barely made it in before the gates closed.
Soon after he arrived, he gasped and desperately started searching for Saint Peter. When he found him, he told Saint Peter that he had to go back to Hell right away. When Saint Peter asked why, Frank Sam began to wail:
“I left my harp in Sam Frank’s disco!”
Hey man, check out this cool spice I brought back from Japan! It’s awesome!
–Am I down with MSG? You know me!
What do you usually use it for?
–Oh…Miso, homie.
It smells kinda funky though…
–Just eat it. Eat it.
Man, that is delicious! You mind if I take some home?
–You’re so lame, you probably think this soup’s all for you.
Have you tried the new mashed potato-flavored ice cream?
Sundaes will never be the same.
[Hijack] I actually tried some potato ice cream a few months ago. It was about as good as it sounds.
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Got any advice on north African cuisine?
-
Wok like an Egyptian.
The new bus driver for the Sesame Street Elementary School for Exceptional Children was a bit nervous his first day on the job. Clutching the map and the list of names he’d been provided with, the driver made his way to the first stop, where a very fat little girl boarded the bus. “Hi,” she said, “My name is Patty.” The driver tried to return her smile as she took a seat.
At the next stop, an extremely fat little girl got on. The driver managed a weak smile when she said, “Hi, my name’s Patty,” and waddled to a seat.
Next was a little boy sporting thick glasses, crutches, and a safety helmet. His list informed the driver that this was “Special” Ross, and he helped the little boy up the stairs and into a seat.
The last child to be picked up was a boy named Lester G., and to the driver’s relief he appeared perfectly normal. Accelerating, he was near the school when a strange smell came over the bus. Looking in his rearview mirror, the driver saw that Lester had his socks and shoes off and was picking at bunions on his feet. Totally grossed out, the driver lost control and crashed into a guard rail.
The police were quickly on the scene. Ascertaining that no one had been hurt, they turned to the bus driver & asked what the hell had come over him.
“Well, wouldn’t you go crazy?” asked the bus driver indignantly. “It’s not even 9:00 and I’ve had two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!”
[pedant]
Per the OP, these should be originals.
[/pedant]
What did the overly polite movie critic have to say about Armageddon?
“I don’t want to diss a thing.”