I’m intelligent and competent enough to stay away from ads like this.
Splitting the work up into different positions/sub-contractors is a great idea. Getting everything you need from one person might be ideal for you, but not realistic. But who knows, maybe in LA, land of personal [del]slaves[/del] assistants, you can. Not here, though, or anywhere else where sane people live, apparently.
Stoid, are you any good at steepling your fingers and breathing, “Excellent!” 
You are looking for someone who does not exist. You want someone to be you, but without your flaws. Good Luck. NOBODY can be this for you. God help the person that tries.
Now I understand your Pit thread on the on-line dating much better. I change my mind, people weren’t hard enough on you.
I’ll go against the tend here and suggest you stick to your guns on this salary range.
One problem we have here at the Dope, is that lately there’s just not that many interesting Pit threads. Too many current topics RO threads.
We need more threads on how personal assistants just fuck up all the time and aren’t what we expected. By paying this salary, then you’ll get someone incompetent and can Pit her and we all win!
$120K plus profit sharing and 4 weeks annual leave (I’ve been overseas too long to ever really accept the US idea of 2 weeks holiday).
I’d also want a company car if there is any significant travel involved.
Ok, no offense, but your ad makes you sound like a lunatic. It has a manic, rambling tone with references to having ADD, an inability to organize and an obsesive fixation with “honesty”. Most people don’t want to work for an employer who uses terms like “madness” or “chaos” to describe their work environment.
Essentially the way I read it is you are looking for a live-in Lloyd/Smithers Number 2 type assistant to help you manage your porn industry (which, by itself is a little strange - the dress code is there is no dress code? :eek: ). Anyhow, I’m not judging your industry of choice.
My suggestion is to tone it down a bit. Use more positive language like “challenging, dynamic work environment”. Don’t paint yourself as so much of a scatterbrain.
Good for you, for being honest, but… unless I could try it out and run like heck if you scared me too bad, I’m not sure I’d apply. And, to tell the truth, except for the PR stuff, it sounds like a job I’d love.
However, ad rates being what they are, I’d assume that anyone who could place an ad like that could afford to pay me at least $75,000 (in Minnesota dollars - probably be $150,000 in LA.)
Hire two part-timers.
FWIW, I’d be tempted to apply if not for disqualifying on the verbal communication point (solid but not excellent, my accent shows its ugly head under stress).
I know someone who does the hand-holding, make chaos into order, brains behind the operation type of job, without the computer skills or the running to the pet food store. She gets paid about $140k, and has liberal leave pretty much as described, though she works in an office, not a home. And that’s here in DC, I’d imagine that she could demand more in LA.
And the way you describe the position is incredibly unappealing. I’m sure you feel you were being upfront about everything, but if I were you, I’d be suspicious of anyone who responded to that ad.
:dubious:
These two statements are mutually exclusive in LA. I live here, I know. 
Look if you want a glorified secretary you can for sure find one for $1,000 a week. They may or may not have the managerial skills you need, and they may or may not be able to work without direction like you want. They probably will run to the pet food store for you.
On the other hand, if you are looking for a operations manager/VP to run stuff let me submit myself.
I am very PC savy (I can transition to a MAC)
I have great communication skills, no accents.
I give great phone
I don’t even talk in my sleep
I love adult material.
I have managed up to 4 different remote facilities at the same time
My last boss was 2500 miles away, so I can state that I work well without supervision.
I am conversant with Excel
I have a sales background
While I would be happy to run to the pet food store, I would tell you we can get it delivered for a lot less than what it will cost you to send me to the store.
So I am pretty close to what you specified in your OP.
My salary? I am starting a consulting contract next week for $2500/week.
See the difference in skill sets? See the difference in price?
If you have not read it, I suggest before you go to much further on this project, read -We Also Walk Dogs by Robert Heinlein. Give it some thought.
Good luck.
It’s odd to me that the part where I talk about time is ignored and people keep obsessing about this being some kind of slave position.
People have worked for me in the past. My sister (who isn’t actuallymy sister, I’ve just known her since she was a kid, so I call her that.) worked for me and even before her illness became an issue, she got plenty of benefit of the flexibility. There were exactly TWO days in over 18 months when she was in here past 4pm, and most days she left at 2. And there were always days, pre-illness, when she didn’t come in at all. What’s so nightmarish about that?
I don’t want to spend my life obsessing over work, and I would never feel comfortable relaxing and enjoying myself while my assistant busts ass, so my assistant is largely on my schedule.
Of course, this ad doesn’t have to - actually shouldn’t! - appeal to a huge number of people. It only has to appeal to the right one, after all. I don’t want to disguise the truth of the job in any way, but from the feedback I’m getting the truth isn’t coming across accurately. So again, thanks for the feedback.
Maybe I’ll post it with a title like “World’s Worst Job”…hmmm…might be interesting…
My thoughts, and despite our differences I will try to be constructive. But the bottom line is this: Groucho Marx once said he wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have him for a member. You have drafted an ad that makes you sound like such an awful boss that you really should not want to hire anyone who would respond to the ad.
I think it’s great that you want to honestly describe (perhaps even “warn”) as to the downsides and realities of the job, both for the benefit of potential candidates and so you don’t waste your time. But if your goal is to attract competent candidates , you can’t run an ad that’s going to scare people off. The time for seriously warning them as to potential negatives is at the interview, not in the ad. Similarly, an ad should include the relevant information to catch a good candidates eye, but shouldn’t include extraneous stuff that is not likely to be important. Stuff like “maybe you can work from home down the road” and specifics as to dress code or lack thereof, are not necessary in an employment ad. So I would suggest that you ask yourself if the information is something a candidate will need in order to determine whether to respond to the ad (things like job duties, salary range, and in your case the fact that the business is of an adult nature). If it isn’t necessary for making that decision, you take it out.
Placing an effective employment ad is not just about attracting good candidates for the position, it’s also about presenting yourself as an attractive boss and the position as a good position, because that’s how you attract good candidates. You don’t make yourself sound like a great boss, or the position like a fun position, when you describe it in terms of “holding your hand” and “taming the madness” and “chaos” and having to be “deeply enmeshed in your life.” Honestly, if you were trying to write an ad to scare people off, you probably couldn’t do much better. Instead, the ad should say “this is a GREAT job” and “I am a GREAT boss.” I understand your devotion of honesty, but it is not dishonest to play up the positive side of things in the early stages of a personnel search.
As written, the ad is overly long, disorganized, too personal (the fact that you have ADD has no place in an employment ad), and contradictory. (You say you are “very easygoing” but then say one lie, even “the tiniest fib” – your words – will get the person fired. That is not easygoing.) Candidates will assume that the deficiencies of the ad reflect deficiencies in your management as a boss. So I would suggest you re-draft to try to present an ad that is clearer, more organized, and that more clearly explains why you are a GREAT boss and why this is a GREAT job. Things like “opportunity for rapid advancement” and “significant initial responsibility” and “flexible job hours.” Think about what YOU would want to see if YOU were the candidate, recognizing that not everyone places the value on brutal honesty that you do. Again, if you feel you much frankly warn the candidates what they are in for, you can do that at the interview stage.
There’s a lot of verbiage in the ad that doesn’t really convey anything, and I would suggest you take it out because it will shorten and clean up the ad. Ask yourself if the sentence or phrase really conveys any information and if it doesn’t, remove it. Examples: “There are only so many hours in the day” (Tangent: Why you need an assistant is not really relevant); “I have many deficiencies and many strengths” (who doesn’t?); “I want someone who wants this job” (who else would be applying?).
I think you need to clarify what level of professional you are looking for, and I suggest you consider whether it is really reasonable to find a single person willing to do all you want done. A personal assistant runs to the pet store. A publicist or advertising professional designs PR campaigns. If someone has the skills and abilities to do the latter, they probably are not going to be interested in doing the former. If you don’t want to run to the pet store, why should they? ITSM that it is unrealistic for you to expect to find someone who will be willing and able to take significant responsibility for the day-to-day running of your business(es) AND who will also have time to run your errands, much less be interested in doing so.
My suggestion is this:
A. Sit down and clarify for yourself your aims. A good way to do this might be to list both your goals for your businesses (“10% growth in the next 2 years” or “add some merchandise to the website” or whatever) and the specific tasks you want done (“answer phones” or “design T-shirts” or whatever).
B. Categorize the tasks and goals into identifiable jobs. Answer phones: that’s a receptionist or operator. Run errands: That’s a personal assistant. Design a PR campaign: That’s a publicist or advertising person. Add stuff to the website: That’s a computer person.
C. See where you can reasonably combine jobs. Can the personal assitant also be the operator/receptionist? Sure. Can the PR guy also be the computer guy? Maybe. BUT: Can the PR guy also be the errand runner? Realistically – No.
D. Decide what position(s) you’re hiring for. Research what going salaries are for those jobs. Decide what salary, benefits, and options you will offer. Keep in mind that some things that may look like benefits to you may not read that way to candidates. Not everyone thinks the chance to work at home is such a great opportunity that they would accept a lower salary to do it. Not everyone thinks not having to come to work some days (because “sometimes there will be nothing to do”) is a plus either. So be careful about lowering the salary in light of some “benefits” that may not be considered quite so beneficial.
E. Think about why a person should want to work for you, in that job. Why are you a good person to work for? Why is this a good job? Is the work interesting? Is it challenging? Does it pay well? Is the business moving forward and succeeding? Do you bring enthusiasm and a positive attitude to the work you do as the owner and manager?
F. Write the ad. It should be as short and clear as possible. It should say
This is the job.
This is what the job involves.
This is what the job will offer you.
This is what the job will require of you.
This is what the job will pay [range].
This is who you contact for more information about the job.
That’s the ad you run.
ETA: Posting a job titled WORLD’S WORST JOB takes us right back to the beginning: If a person truly wanted to sign up for that, why would you want to hire them?
It’s not that odd, really. People are used to job ads playing up the positives of a job, often unrealistically, so the ad’s assertions that the work hours will be reasonable and flexible don’t carry much weight, particularly when other parts of the ad set off so many warning bells with respect to the job’s requirements and boundaries.
Jodi’s advice is (as usual) 100% spot-on. Honestly, I don’t think I can say it any better or add anything she hasn’t already touched on. I’d read her post through a few times, and then follow her list of suggestions exactly as written.
I think Giraffe is right, here. It basically sounds as though there will be no real definition of job duties, or advance warning as far as what days will be the long-hours days and which will be the hardly-anything-to-do days. Having to deal with that at the whim of the employer makes it sound like the job Anne Hathaway’s character had in The Devil Wears Prada. You’re having a nice dinner with someone on a Saturday night, the phone rings, and suddenly you’re frantically trying to solve some kind of problem for your boss. No thanks!
I think that you are getting across the very last part of this statement in your ad…that the assistant will be on your schedule…but not the rest of it. I definitely would not have the impression from the ad that you don’t want to spend your life obesssing over work. It actually makes you kind of sound like a disorganized workaholic to me. Kind of scary from a prospective employee’s perspective.
I hae the therapist and the shrink. The shrink is key, since he writes the prescriptions. (Did y’all know that thse days psychiatrists really don’t do anything except diagnose and prescribe? You want the talking stuff, you gotta go to a psychotherapist or lesser counselor, shrinks are just prescribing machines.) the therapist is not really about the ADD, that’s a coach, and I’ve been looking ever since I was diagnosed. I haven’t found anyone yet who has really offered me anything solid. The terrible thing about finding out you have ADD so late in life is that decades of terrible habits of being have been carved into your brain, so that even with the drugs it’s hard to change. That’s why I need someone to really help me on a more consistent basis. I KNOW what I need to do, it’s doing it. For that I need some measure of accountability, and since I am alone, I kinda have to hire it!
As I said, I’m SO not that kind of boss! I wouldn’t dare, it would never even cross my mind. I don’t want to be despised, and I’m way too chilled to ever even want that kind of thing from someone. I’m no diva, not by a long shot.
I realize now that instead of actually focusing on (or even believing me) where I talked about the flexibility and short hours, people have been sort of focusing on things like “not punching a clock” as meaning “I want to own your whole life” where what I meant to convey, and failed, is that I am not and never would be the kind of employer who thinks I’ve purchased your time. I haven’t. What I’m buying is your work, your production, your talent, whatever.
Obviously there are things which require someone’s presence and time, but outside of those things I’ve always looked at it like this: if you can produce what I need in a split second because you are Jeannie (I dream of…), great! I’m not going to pay you less for that and I’m not going to try and fill your life with busy work. I need what I need and the time it takes you to produce it only becomes an issue if it’s too much, not if it’s too little.
I think efficiency would go WAY up if more employers adopted that attitude. Pay people for the work you want from them, not for their time. If all the work that needs doing or can be done by a given employee is done by 2, let them go home. If you find that because of their tremendous efficiency and skill you can find more things for them to do to fill that time, you should probably pay them more because they are bringing more value.
I came to believe this when I was the employee, and I believe it more than ever as an employer.
This is much, *much * better. Clean that up, add some realistic job responsibilities, raise the pay by at least 25% - 40%, and you’ll get a much better applicant pool. You still won’t get everything you listed, not in a single employee, but you’ll have a broader selection. Your ad, as written, makes you sound like the kind of crazy I won’t work for anymore, and I’m your target audience. Been there, done that, never again. What you’ll get, with that ad, and that payscale, is the green, the desperate, and the crazy. I assume when I read an ad that the employer has put the best possible face on the position. I think you’ve done the opposite.
It might be worth your time to talk to an employment agency or headhunter to get a better idea of what you can get for what you’re willing to pay. Talk to a couple of them, some are better than others. I’m sure that there are headhunters in LA that specialize in personal assistants of various stripes.
Rick and Jodi have given some excellent advice. I’d also suggest splitting up the job and having a lower-paid employer to do things like keep a calendar and go to the pet store, and a much higher-level, educated, experienced person to manage your varied business operations and design PR campaigns.
A flexible schedule is great, but I think it would be easier in the long run and more professional to structure it as a set number of hours, perhaps not 9-5, during which time the person is working. Because there is nothing more annoying than having to tell friends, “Well technically I work 9-5 but I often get out much earlier, but I never know in advance so I can’t make any plans for earlier under the assumption that I will get out early because I never know, so therefore I must schedule my personal life as though I work 9-5 even though I don’t.” That kind of arrangement is a pain in the ass. It seems like it would be great, but it’s unsettling in the mind to never know when you are going to have to work.
Other things I’d say, which have been mostly said:
Take out that part about the accents. It sounds dangerously discriminatory even if that’s not what you mean. You can say, “Must be fluent in English.” You can always listen to the candidates talk and if you find them difficult to understand, don’t offer them the job.
There is no reason whatsoever that someone who is not highly proficient on a PC can’t pick up a Mac in a couple of hours. You’re cutting out a huge potential market by making that a requirement. Anyway, if you found some fabulous person who only knew PCs, you could have them take a Mac course for a couple hundred bucks and then they’d be an “expert.”
Way TMI in there about your personal situation.
You know where you said earlier than LA is the land of personal assistants to the stars and working for you would be a lot better? Well, it’s not. If you are not famous right now, then no assistant is going to be willing to work for less-than-standard salary or in weird conditions rather than in the same conditions for a famous person. Assistants do it all the time for famous people, yes–because those people are famous. There are perks to working for a neurotic disorganized slightly odd-sounding movie star, none of which apply to you. So there’s really no comparison. Someone might be willing to be Brad Pitt’s assistant and do all the things you want for $45,000 a year. Because he’s Brad Pitt.
Let us know what happens. I’m very interested in how this turns out!
Yeah, I’ve wondered if that’s really what they signed on for.
same here, and I’m not sure it’s a good idea to mention that you’re female. Why is that relevant, and it sets up a senstivity to these issue which doesn’t have to be there.
All these responses and no one’s asked the big question that I don’t see answered in your ad: what exactly is your business.
I know you said you’re in the adult industry, but exactly does that mean?
Do you host a website with pictures of models? Do you run a mail order catalog full of sex toys? Do you go in your bedroom and videotape yourself nakedly and expect this person to handle all the business aspects of it?
Adult industry can mean a lot of things, and if the ad is hiding that, I’d be extra wary of the adplacer trying to scam me with some strange job.
One thought. Depending on whether the position is defined as exempt or non-exempt, this (“You will have a set salary without regard for hours worked”) may not be legal.