Puzzle: Bizarro World

The Game Room
1

You are imprisoned in a dark dank dungeon. Most of what little light there is comes from a dim yellow bulb high overhead. It is always lit. There is a small CD-sized circular window that looks out onto a concrete courtyard. This tiny barred window allows rain to blow in occasionally.

How long have You languished here? The notches You have made in the earthen wall indicate only about three weeks. It seems months. In early May the new Emperor’s secret police came to your door. The struggle was brief. And now You are here.

The only toilet is a small urn emptied every three or so days by an armed guard. This cold and mean turnkey also brings a bowl of tepid broth or oatmeal once a day. Your drinking water sits in a bucket and is also refilled daily. There is no chair and the only bed is a ragged dirty blanket. The walls are bare except for several laminated posters each containing a copy of one of [thread=553687]the coded messages You failed to solve[/thread]. You are sick of staring at them…but what else is there to do in this hell? A horrible stench permeates the air.

You befriended a roach, but yesterday it skittered away somewhere and has not returned.

The coded messages on your wall mock You. “This whole thing was unsolvable from the start,” You think bitterly.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Hmm… The guard has already replaced the water and brought food. It is unusual for him to return. You move to the back of the cell and raise your arms as You have been instructed.

The burly man enters the room.

“Come with me,” says the guard. “You are to be given a shower and clean clothes.”

“Thank you,” You respond. “But why?”

“You are going to see the Emperor.”

Later You find yourself in an army vehicle surrounded by several armed men. As You travel through the streets of Washington You see police everywhere. Sadness and despair register on the faces of everyone You pass.

Soon your vehicle is waved through a checkpoint and you are led to a back door of The White House.

After passing through several hallways You find yourself in a waiting room. Wow. Unless You are mistaken, the woman at the reception desk is actress Sarah Jessica Parker. She has a vacant look on her face as she leaves to announce your arrival. A TV playing on the wall is tuned to CNN. While You wait, several stories run lauding Emperor Klaus. Further reports highlight the problems of popular celebrities.

Finally You are led into the Oval Office. Klaus sits on a throne wearing an ostentatious crown. Beside him in a smaller chair lounges Emma Flanders. She looks on with a bored expression. You recognize some of the several other people in the room. Andy Wilson sits at a table playing solitaire. Ban Ki-moon appears to be filing some papers. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are helping each other hang curtains. The other four people are strangers.

Klaus: Kneal before the Emperor.

You: I think not.

Several of the people in the room force You to your knees.

Klaus: So… how do You like your accomodations?

You: Did you just bring me here to gloat?

Klaus makes a hideous laugh and continues.

Klaus: I imagine your prison is very unpleasant indeed. But I have brought You here to offer You an escape. I need your help. And if You help me, I have the power to free You from that cell. I will reward You by turning You into a willing slave. You’ll even be able to live in a nice home. Perhaps I’ll even get You some servants.

You: And what do I have to do?

Klaus: Your old friend Brown has eluded me. Indeed that young agent has proved very resourceful. He has assembled a group of traitors and they have been causing me problems. Just yesterday these thugs somehow entered our local asylum and freed Agent Jones. They are all now working to overthrow me. I will not let this happen! They will pay for their insurrection!

You: Again I say, how does this involve me?

Klaus: During the raid at the asylum there was a struggle. One of these rebels accidentally dropped a paper from his pocket. It is a coded message. I simply need You to decode this note. I suspect it contains plans to remove me from power. If You solve this code and help defeat the rebels You will be rewarded. If you fail or refuse You will spend the rest of your life in that miserable cell.

“Maybe this is a time to bargain,” You think.

You: If I’m to help you, then I’ll want more light. I’ll need a desk, paper and a pencil. Also, I must have better food and fresh coffee."

Glenn Beck: You should not make demands on the Emperor. It’s not nice.

Ban Ki-moon: I could bring You a cappuccino. Do You like cappuccino?

Klaus: SIlence everyone! I will get You these things as a show of faith. But I warn You. My patience is very thin.

You: One other question. Why not just put me under your power? Why are You giving me the option of refusal?

Klaus: Unfortunately, there seems to be a “dumbing down” that occurs when one is mentally enslaved. I’m afraid if we “turn” You that You will not have the brain powers necessary to solve the code. I will return You to your cell now. I warn You I expect results.

Later You find yourself back in your cell. The light is brighter and the promised desk and chair await. But your head is spinning.

The universe has gone topsy-turvy. Now You are being asked to help the spies decode a message in order to capture and arrest your CIA friends.

This is Bizarro World indeed!

But what to do? There seems little else. You will at least look at the new code.

Can You solve it?

^^^^^^^^^^
OZTYK TDM EHWBPTS UXT UDMA FQTFWL HQNYJPJ B MDNJNAF HQNY ODH FE EHQSXCGCFV ZE FKY OHNSJ FQNOLLZ. HQNZD TLMA ORNAJXEDWGD, FZ FYFO EHYUJWC SXT OZT ZSX OL FKY FWNOF FVZVQ. TLMA MDZKRGVSEB MOND ZOQBOPCDY QOJO TX FWFJXW TLMA OHNSJ FFNCNO PV UDMA FZ ODH ZRWABPQ UL. SXT UQFTAZSCZ TL HQNAJCREF SHIUD FKY ZUJC FVTU GR TXFST. FVZ FGTJ EUTD “PQNJLFCERV” TD OD SHNMREATUB. OHYZRW SRK UDMA EUTD PW FQNTAPGTU PKB TL OR SXT NDJA.

^^^^^^^^^^

2

“Well, codebreaker, what does the coded message say?”

You have been roused this Sunday afternoon and transported to the Bizarro White House. Once again You find yourself in the Oval Office surrounded by spies, strangers, and an odd assortment of celebrities. Now Klaus is expecting an answer.

“I repeat, what does the coded message say?”

You: I don’t have an answer for you yet.

Klaus: You are the great codebuster. Why have You failed? I do not believe that this annoying Agent Brown could concoct such a clever code that even You cannot solve it.

You: I have tried…but the conditions I am working under do not make for optimum decipering.

Klaus: Bah! I gave You a chair, a desk, and a pencil. What more do You need?

You: Well, it might be nice to have a decent bed to sleep on. One cannot be expected to crack codes without proper sleep.

Klaus: All right. I’ll get You a bed. But I expect results!

You: I’ll also need proper bathroom facilities. The smell in that cell makes it difficult to concentrate.

Emma Flanders: You are spoiled. My husband will have your head if you do not solve this code right now!

You: Look, I’m doing the best that I can.

Glenn Beck: It is a rather horrible code.

Klaus: I’ll see that You have access to a restroom and a shower. You will have the answer within the next few days, I hope.

You: Well this is a challenging code. I only have one sample of it.

Klaus: No. You now have two. Yesterday one of our police spotted Agent Brown in Fairfax. After a brief chase Brown disappeared into a crowd. However, while this troublemaker was running he accidentally dropped the paper he was carrying. Our man recovered it. Brown was carrying another coded note.

Ban Ki-moon: This is a very odd code. Very odd indeed.

Oprah: We have all been discussing it. The code seems impossible. It certainly is no standard cryptogram.

Ban Ki-moon: Perhaps You will want that cappuccino after all.

More inane banter follows. At some point You are given a copy of the latest cryptic note and are hustled back to your cell. As You lie back on your new and somewhat comfortable double bed, You study the latest conundrum:

^^^^^

SXT UQFTAZSCZ TOQLC TX UDMA TXFST TDM OHAPP VRD B ZSTJ GR FQT GR SXT EHIVL THLHBDRB. TLMA FYFN FP FKY BHIP PW FWFJRYHBDHX IWND VRD TLMA ZDB. FZ FUF HQNRAZJ PW FJSHACN SXTF FSFJBP. FE EHWHYPEE PW FHQM OHMD ZWNUDEEDGIJ THXPAL. FZ FUF HQNZD FKY SDLUJS UD ODLHNC UUTWATN TD SXT UXTLMTU. UHJT TX FUJOC. J XRSR J ND HQNRJE B LVNY IWND TLMA FJFZBPZ, UXG J ND HQNACPO VRD ODH FYQVB UL FONOF TXFST URSUJN!

^^^^^

3

I’m unreasonably bummed by all this. :frowning:

4

You wake up after your first decent night’s sleep in weeks. Last night You were feeling bummed…quite a reasonable emotion considering the current state of affairs. However, today the world seems a bit brighter. The morning sun shines through your little window, and a small bluebird chirps a sweet tune just outside.

Perhaps things are about to change. Life has been heading south for so long. Perhaps a reversal of fortune is due in the very near future.

You call the turnkey and request some coffee. Then, after a trip to the RR, you head to your desk to once again study Brown’s coded messages.

Yes, the future is looking up, You decide. Perhaps things indeed are turning around…

5

Fuck cracking the code. I don’t want Klaus having the info, and if I crack it drugs or torture can get the truth out of me. I’ll string him along for as long as I can, then make up something to get me close enough to him to die with my hands around his throat. That, or until my buddies spring me and we do the Red Dawn thing. Or maybe invent a need to travel somewhere…to inspect the runes on a church or something…so my buddies have a better shot at springing me…and we do the Red Dawn thing.

6

Here’s a spoiler for what I think could happen:

Figuring out the code tells you where Brown is, you find him, and you both get back to a non cubic world.

As for actually trying to decipher the code: my head is hurting, and my brain isn’t up to trying.

7

Your exasperation with the new code is leading You to “crazy thoughts”. No way You could get to Klaus with all those armed protectors around him. Even Glenn Beck was carrying a wicked looking knife.

And suppose You did manage to kill Klaus? Then You’d likely have to deal with Emma Flanders, Jan Sullivan, or one of the other spies. One nutty spy leader would just be replaced by another. As long as they have that awful alien technology…

You realize with a sigh that your only real chance is to solve Brown’s code and hope that it offers some way out of this horrible mess.

Outside the bluebird has quit singing. As You watch the sun rise from your tiny window, You note the sky is bright red. A red dawn.

“Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning,” You mumble, and manage a weak smile.

As You turn back to your task, You can’t help but think someone said something important to You back at the bizarro Oval Office.

But what was it?

8

Sorry man. That’s just how I roll. My style is more:
*
The Hammer of the Gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying Valhalla, I am coming!*
And I know nothing about crypto, so I really can’t contribute much more than comic relief to your thread. Kinda hoping some actual crypto folk will participate, though, cuz I wanna see where you’re going with this.

9

As a gambling man (down in New Orleans–wait–that was Dad), I note that Mr. Ban Ki-moon mentioned cappuccino in both conversations…

10

And “You” is capitalized. It is not capitalized in the other pieces of conversation. But, I’m not good at cracking the code. I keep hoping somebody else will come along and do it.

11

Not that I’m getting anywhere, but looking at the words in post 2, I see lots of repeated one- two- and three-letter words. It’s not too much of a stretch to assume “B” = A in plaintext, and “J” = I in plaintext. In fact, “J ND” likely = I AM.

Of the rest, it seems likely “SXT” = THE, and “UXG” is AND or BUT. Past that, I’m grinding to a halt.

12

Got it.

Plaintext:

[spoiler]BROWN HAS FIGURED OUT THAT ANYONE WEARING A SPECIAL RING CAN BE CONTROLLED BY THE ALIEN MACHINE. uSING THIS INFORMATION, WE HAVE PLANTED OUR OWN SPY IN THE wHITE HOUSE. THIS INDIVIDUAL WILL HOPEFULLY HELP US LOCATE THIS ALIEN DEVICE SO THAT WE CAN DEsTROY IT. OUR INFOrMANT IS OPERARATING uNDER THE VERY NOSE OF KLAUS. USE COCE WORD “CAPPUCCINO” AS AN IDENTIFIER. LISTEN FOR THAT WORD TO DETErMINE WHO IS ON OUR TEAM.

Lower-case letters are ciphertext errors–I assume not important,but ou never know.[/spoiler]

Decoding method:

[spoiler]Each word is coded individually. The first letter of the ciphertext word is encoded with a “B” Caesar shift (Where A maps to B, etc), the second letter with a “D” Caesar shift, the third with “F,” and so on. To decode, “subtract” one from the first letter, three from the second, five from the third, etc. EX: For the first word OZTYK, subtract one from O to get N, three from Z to get W, fve from T to get O, seven from Y to get R, and nine from K to get B.

There’s one more step to fully decode into plaintext, but I’ll leave it up to you to fgure out from the example. :)[/spoiler]

13

Wowza. Pretty much no way I’d ever have figured that out. Well done, Sir.

14

Congratulations Zut! You win the 2010 “Red Dawn” Award!

And kudos to Oakminster for so rapidly suspecting the “cappuccino” clue!
+++++

“Well codebreaker, what is the solution?”

Once again You have been dragged to the Bizarro Pennsylvania Avenue address to meet with Emperor Klaus and his minions. But this time You know that at least someone there is on your side.

You: I got nothing for you. I believe this supposed code is merely a trick to distract you.

Klaus: A trick? I think not. I believe You have solved this code and are holding out. If this is so, You will regret your decision.

You: Nonsense. I have spent hours on this code. There is nothing there.

Klaus: I will give You one more day. If You have not brought me the solution by tomorrow morning, You will feel my wrath.

You: I am doing the best I can. Perhaps I can…

(and here you turn and give a knowing look to Ban Ki-moon)

You: Perhaps I can have a cappuccino after all.

You see the former UN head raise his eyebrow slightly. But to his credit, the man keeps a poker face.

Ban Ki-moon: That is up to the emperor, of course.

Emma Flanders: I say that our codebreaker should just get a kick in the pants!

Bill Clinton: I feel your pain.

Klaus: All right. You can have your coffee. But this is your last request!

You are led back to your cell to await developments.

[spoiler]

Note: Zut, I am not seeing errors. For example: USING --> GNISU

G+1=H
N+3=Q
I+5=N
S+7=Z
U+9=D)

HQNZD[/spoiler]

15

Ah. I was using a spreadsheet to solve, and…On reflection, I think I had an error in my “wraparound” term for the fifth letter. So, observation withdrawn.