I’m too young to remember the show “Queen for a Day,” but I have heard plenty about it.
I’m curious to see what the Dopers can come up with. Tell your sad, pathetic tale and try to win the new refrigerator.
Ready? Set? Go!
Coincidentally, I am forced to live in a refrigerator due to a rare congenital nerve disease that makes it feel like thousands of red hot sewing machine needles are poking into my skin at any temperature over 55 degrees F. It’s old and falling apart from the repeated attemps of my foster parents to pry open the locks and take their turns beating and raping me. Also, my turtle died.
Hey, you asked.
O.K. screw it. Give the new fridge to this guy.
When he gets the fridge, can I have his puppy?
I want a puppy too.
[teary emotional voice]
In the last week, I was tied to a chair,had my eyes clamped open ala ** A Clockwork Orange ** and forced to read JDT,Fatherjohn, and Jally threads for hours.
I was only given week old liver and stale pumpernickel crusts to eat and forced to drink someone else’s urine out of a mason jar.
My dog gave birth to a litter of puppies-all with only two legs.
My monkey butler came down with consumption and I had to watch as he limped around the house,drops of blood staining his bow tie as he coughed.
Also, my uterus fell out.
[/teary emotional voice]
Luxury!
I was born homeless, although my family didn’t sleep on the sidewalk. When I was a boy, I used to dream about sleeping on the sidewalk. No sidewalks for us! We weren’t all posh. Me, my parents, three grandparents, and all of my 29.9 siblings, lived in the middle of an interstate highway. (Used to be thirty of us, but then Horace caught leprosy and his shins fell off) Everyday, I’d come home, kiss my mom hello, and get flattened by a passing Nissan. Of course, that did not get me out of my chores, no siree! First, I had my four o’clock beating. Then, I had to bathe grampa, because of his skin condition, you see. Then it was time to polish the asphalt. That took hours, let me tell you. Then it was time for our eight o’clock beating. This wasn’t so bad, 'cause da wanted us to save our strength for the nine and ten o’clock beatings. Then it was off to the mill, where we had to work an entire 27 hour shift, or until we ran out of arms, whichever came first. Come dawn, it was time for us to go off to school, which due to State budget cutbacks had been merged with the State prison. The stories I could tell you about prison rape! Don’t get me started! School was very difficult for me, especially after fourth grade. Fourth grade came during a particularly hard winter, during which we were forced to make soup out of my corneas in order to survive. This made it really hard to read the blackboard. Anyway, after school, I got on the school bus to go home. Since it was against the law for a school bus to stop in the middle of an interstate, I was simply thrown off the bus as it sped past my parents.
But you know, we were happier in those days.