Question About Self Respect

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

You do need an external measure of your worth. Just make sure that what you use to measure yourself isn’t broken. Sorry for the lame analogy, but if you use the wrong tools to measure things, then you’ll get a distorted picture.

Judging from your thoughtful OP, you should be able to recognize that what your parents say about you isn’t true. They just say these things because they’re selfish and need to abuse others to make themselves feel better.

Two very common sources of criticism come from people who don’t know you or have a reason to make you feel bad. That’s ignorance and bias. If your father used the same logic to talk to you about global warming, you wouldn’t believe him, but when he says something that you fear might be true, you do.

What I would do is find external sources of opinion that actually know something about you and don’t have a reason to make you feel like shit. Your best bet is to find a good therapist. Beyond that I really have no clue. It looks like you’re not likely to move out of your place, so I would minimize contact with your parents as much as possible. Lie if you have to.

Oh, and self-esteem isn’t going to come to through external sources alone. You’ll have to actually accomplish something in order to feel good about yourself. I’m not saying you haven’t accomplished anything yet -just nothing that you feel good about. You’re going to have to find something that you admire doing, and then get good at it. It’s not like the movies where someone gets self-esteem first, and then gets good at everything else. Self-esteem comes after the hard work.

FWIW, you’re a really good writer, thoughtful, and you know how to open a story. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you besides your insane family. Without a supporting family, even the best of us wouldn’t make it very far.

You’ve been hurt before and you’ve survived. You could probably manage this. You don’t really have a choice - you’ll have to ask them for help at some point. Might as well be before you get more traffic tickets.

42

Oh hell yes!

I could never do anything right in my mother’s eyes. She criticized everything, even when I’d do something good, like get a raise (“Well, at least you’re finally getting closer to what you should be making.”) or have a fun vacation planned (“Well, I wouldn’t want to travel by myself. . .”). Ugh. Bitch. And remember, that’s what she said to the good stuff!

But the pièce de résistance was when she was terminally ill. **One of the very last things she ever said to me was, “You are a despicable excuse for a human being. I don’t know how you look at the person you see in the mirror and actually like yourself.”
**
I also had to find a new therapist once, when, after describing some of the difficulties I was having with my mother (I was in college and still living at home), he told me (and I’m not even kidding), “I’m actually shocked to be sitting here listening to what you’ve gone through, and hearing you say that you haven’t ever attempted suicide”.

What? The? Ever? Loving? Bloody? Fluck?

As someone who has had a parent who did everything in her power to beat me down, I can completely relate to your emotional state right now. And as someone who has survived it, you can take my word that everyone who says you need to find a way to get the hell away from these life-suckers and forget they ever existed is 100% right on the money.

Your parents are wrong about you.

They are flat out, completely and utterly wrong about you.

Even if you have some faults (who doesn’t???!!!), they are WRONG about you.

But as someone who has also survived dumbass therapists, I’d like to offer you some first-hand advice. Stop trying to fix this internally and start focusing on proving to yourself that they’re wrong by doing things externally and the internal voice will change.

Sign up to be a Big Sister!

Go serve meals to the homeless at a local shelter, even if only on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Volunteer with Meals on Wheels. Odds are good that at least one of the old folks you visit regularly will want to “adopt” you and you’ll feel like you have a kindly grandparent in your life who appreciates you.

BE the better person you only think you are, and you will come to no longer merely think it, but KNOW it! BE a positive influence on the life of a young girl who needs someone like you to help her feel stronger, and YOU will feel stronger right along with her.

Give yourself REWARDING experiences and you will live a REWARDED life that is filled with positive reinforcement.

{{{HUGS}}}

43

Read books on self-esteem and surviving bad parents. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an oldie but a goodie. You can survive this. Many of us have.

44

Then it’s time to try something different, don’t you think?

I second the Toxic Parents book recommendation - do you have access to a local library?

45

I’m still re-reading through some of these replies and figuring out which of them need responses and what to say, but I think what I need to say to all of them is “thank you”. I’m really honored by the level of support you guys have offered me, and the amount of thought and emotion that have gone into some of these posts. I apologize if I can’t manage a reply to every one of them but every one of them helps.

Um, there is one bit of confusion that seems to have infected the thread that I better go ahead and quash now. I’m a boy. I expect my ambiguous bit up above about “I am fairly sure he is not interested in my gender” is mostly responsible for that, and halfway that was intended as a joke by understatement, but honestly the situation is kind of ambiguous. His girlfriend (who I get along with like a house afire) is openly bisexual and they have a history of polyamory, and I myself have unresolved gender identity and sexual orientation issues. And when I say “unresolved”, I mean just that. I don’t know what the heck I am.

But I’m like 99% percent sure that nothing is ever, ever going to happen between us. Really.

46

Dear Strain of thought, I’ll second what everyone else said: get out. Now. Ask social services if they can help you in any way.

Another possibility might be saving up to volunteer abroad. There are many programs, and some are free because you pay your own way with the work you do.

These places will be a great way to get away from your toxic parents, as well as doing something that will allow yourself to discover who YOU are, when you are not busy flunking life to live up to your parents demands that you flunk life so they can say " told ya" .

47

Often the hardest thing to do is accept that what your parents are selling is something you don’t really need. Once you do that, it’s much easier to see through them and find your own worth. Besides, your position in life isn’t to make them happy, it’s to make yourself happy. Walk away and don’t look back. Surround yourself with people who see the positive things in what you do.

48

One more voice in the chorus of support. A lot of us here were raised by … let’s say … less-than-ideal parental figures. If it helps, know that what you’re going through is not all that unusual, despite what people will tell you about happy families and parents who love their children and all that garbage.

Just because they’re related to you doesn’t mean they have the right to treat you like shit. As a human being, you deserve better than that.

Imagine their shock when, one day, you (figuratively or literally) give them the finger and march out to live your own life on your own terms. You do, in fact, have the power to do so. Good luck.

49

I third the Toxic Parents book. Too many people think that if your parents are not beating you or having sex with you then ergo they mean the best by you no matter what, and it’s just a lie. Run, run as far as you can from your parents and never look back. They are horrible people. That is what the hardest and most heartbreaking thing was for me to realize…not that I was flawed, but that THEY were flawed. And that was my whole world, shattering apart, because they’re my parents and they’re supposed to be perfect. But now I know it was them all along.

50

Al-Anon can be a great support resource for dealing with toxic people in your life (not just alcoholics), and it is at no cost.

Given your family history and your upbringing, you are probably at risk for clinical depression, which calls for a psychiatrist (or at least a GP), and not just a therapist. You may be able to find someone through Medicaid, or through county social services, or through a medical school. If the shrink prescribes something, you may be able to get it at no cost from the pharmaceutical company, or the doc may be able to supply you adequately with the free samples the pharma companies give out.

Good luck.

51

I recommend The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathanial Brandon, The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller, and Codependent No More (or any other book) by Melody Beattie.

All are outstanding in the process of reconstructing your identity after your parents have gotten through doing whatever damage they’ve done. I’ve also found books about being a child of narcissistic parents to be very helpful. The Brandon book has a companion workbook with little worksheets you can do every morning to help make progress in growing your self esteem.

52

Strain, if it helps, here’s a link to the very first threadI ever started here. It was both eye-opening and comforting for me to learn how many people go through similar experiences, and how they handle(d) it. You are not alone.

Take care of yourself. We’re all pulling for you. :slight_smile:

53

You won’t understand this until you are a parent, but parents are people also, and sometimes rather sick ones. It sounds like there might be a genetic predisposition to mental illness in your family, which can explain things but does not excuse them.

The first thing you need to tell yourself is that the problem is with your parents, not with yourself. You may or may not have your own problems, but they have nothing to do with the ones your parents are trying to inflict on you.

I only know you from your writing, but it is clear and well structured, and I have the sense that you are very intelligent. Your examination of your own situation is very mature.

As for your question, I’d say that it is hard for other people to respect you if you do not respect yourself. They can use you, they can associate with you, but not respect you. None of us feels as good about himself inside as we might appear on the outside even in the best case - many famous people feel like frauds. So, don’t worry about feeling that way, and focus on the good things you can do. Practically speaking, it is hard to get a job if you project an attitude of self-hatred.

Think of your interaction with the world as acting. I used to go to a lot of sets for TV shows and the like, with kid actors, and the universal characteristic they shared was being able to put themselves aside and turn on when the camera turned on. That’s what you should do for an interview or even when meeting someone new, and do it no matter what you feel inside. Before you know it, you’ll get positive responses, and then you’ll have something to build more self-respect on.

One final thing. At the famous “Royal Albert Hall” concert (actually Manchester, I think) some idiot from the audience shouted out “Judas” at Bob Dylan for going electric. Dylan responded “I don’t believe you. You’re a liar.” That is exactly what you should say to your parents when they tell you something like you recount in the OP. You might need to say it under your breath, but say it. It is true.

54

Can you do this? You’ll be a different person if you get away from your situation. Listen, there are plenty of people who live a good distance away from their families - there’s no shame in not being able to cope with your parents. It’s your right to make your life pleasant. At one point I lived in a tent on a mountain - nine months! It was cold and hard - but since i didn’t have to take any crap from anyone it was heaven in comparison.

55

If I had to guess, I’d say no, he probably can’t. If the OP gives off a vibe, it’s about being all cerebral about his problems. I don’t get the feeling he’s an action guy.

I am always amazed at the number of people self aware enough to recognize that they are surrounded by people who are actively trying to destroy them, but cannot recognize how important it is to get the hell away - like yesterday.

It is the single most empowering thing they could do - but they can’t. The reasons are always myriad, but it always comes down to ‘can’t’. Codependency is a bitch, lord knows.

56

You mention being on disability, Strain. Is it a physical thing?

You mention being in therapy, but don’t mention being medically treated for depression. Even though your depression has a cause (miserable parenting), that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t benefit from an anti-depressant. Emotional trauma can alter the brain chemistry, just like physical abuse can harm the body.

Not knowing why you are on disability, it’s hard for me to judge the full picture. But based on your most recent postings, you sound like you’ve got a whopping case of “learned helplessness.” Again, if therapy isn’t addressing this, you may need to press the pause button on whomever you’re seeing.

Growing up under brutal parenting can prevent a solid identity from forming. Depression on top of that doesn’t help. But it’s not too late to solidify who you are to yourself. The first step to “solidification” is by doing what others have suggested and move away from your parents.

You don’t have to move far far away. Just get out from under them and their stink.

I would make that your number one goal. Get Strain his or her own place. (Yes, think of yourself in the third person. It’s not crazy).

If you can, try to move somewhere where you don’t have to have a car. You don’t need to find a big city–just a place where you can find a room that is within walking distance of a grocery store and a library.

If you’re receiving disability, that means you’re in contact with social services. Someone should be able to help you find housing.

People who are much less intelligent than you are able to find housing that’s not familial. So you can do it to. Just unlearn a little bit of helplessness, and you can accomplish this task.

And then you can move on to the next life-changing affair, whatever you decide that should be. But moving out must be on the top of the list. If your therapy doesn’t cosign this idea and at least refer you to someone who can help you in this quest, then you need to quit that therapist immediately. Understand?

57

Strain, it sounds like you have a lot of things holding you back from breaking free. Sounds like there’s a lot of fear going through your mind, a lot of what if’s. Don’t let it be a paralyzer.

If I was in your shoes, I’d get rid of the car since it’s a money sink. Public transit sucks but them the breaks. Get a job any job get two if your able then save up that money for your apartment and split ASAP. Your self respect will soon follow a little zoo therapy doesn’t hurt either later own if your able like a cat or something.

It sucks what your going through with your parents but your going to be able to deal with them better if you choose to if your not living under their wing so to speak.

58

Okay! Back home again. Weird day. Trying to catch up on responses. Please forgive the double posts which will probably occur.

I’m not exactly sure what to say about this but I feel like it needs something. Definitely aware of craigslist and have used it for housing searches in the past, but never with any sort of success. I have a lot of fears of getting into another bad living situation; when I lost it at college, it was primarily because I had gotten trapped by a lease in an apartment with nightmare roommates that harassed me with increasing intensity until they were threatening me with physical harm. The campus, the property manager, and the police were all no help and all, and to this day I don’t know what warning signs I missed or how I should have handled it differently, even in hindsight.

I have tried a homeless shelter, and while the first week was a huge relief after that I rapidly began to succumb to anxiety attacks. After the third week I got kicked out because I hadn’t been able to find a job. There were circumstances involving an extremely unhelpful DoL Vocational Rehab caseworker who liked to send me on fool’s errands and a nasty reaction to prescription anti-anxiety medication that somewhat suggest the shelter’s environment and recovery plan wasn’t the problem, but it’s not an avenue I would go down again if I could possibly help it.

59

Made sandwiches for dinner. Eating 'em and writing now.

This stuff is really really messed up, even by the standards of my life and what I’ve seen. That kind of thinking at that early age is more awful than I have words to describe. I’m glad that it sounds like you have managed to put much of it behind you.

I was lucky enough that the first few years of my life were somewhat idyllic; my parents both had an idealized view of marriage that they tried to dedicate themselves to at first, the extended family hadn’t disintegrated yet, and even when the cracks started showing five years in they focused most of their dysfunction at each other instead of me. Plus, my mom was an aspiring early-childhood educator and I got to go to a Montessori preschool and kindergarten. It wasn’t until I was nine and they divorced, and I was left alternately alone with my mother and father, that day-to-day life became a living hell. Even then, I didn’t have serious suicidal ideation until I was twenty-one. But then again, I was really, really, really good at escaping into a fantasy world at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately I still am.

60

First off, hugs. Fuckin’ A. Really really sorry you had to get exposed to anything as awful as your own parent inviting you to off yourself. If this weren’t the Dope I’d enclose your screen name with lotsa huggy-braces. Yeesh. Many serial killers get more compassion from their folks than that.

Now for some drier & more cerebral stuff in response to your question; I think there may be some meaning you can take with you from it, if it rings true for you. I hope it does.

R = C/S.

R = the respect you Receive from others
C = social Confidence; in essence your confidence of being able to get what you want from your social context. From other people.
S = Self respect; what you allocate to yourself in comparison to how you esteem others.

Everybody needs some “R” and you have to get it from somewhere. You don’t need to get it on a constant basis (you can coast to an extent on what you’ve received in the past) and you don’t need to necessarily get it from within the social context you have to operate in at any given time, either. But because we need other people, need their cooperation, need belongingness, we do need some “R” from some of the people some of the time.

Everybody needs some “S”. But it doesn’t come from other people. It comes from ourselves. No one can do it for you. You have to grant yourself some. In fact, you need to have some willingness to occasionally rate yourself over others, to have more confidence in your own conclusions and intuitions and tastes and whatnot than you do in the wisdom of what other people have chosen. Because we need other people, need their cooperation, need belongingness, we do nees some “S” from ourselves without which there is again no way to function in the social context and get any of what you want and need from that context.

“C” is what we crave on a utilitarian social level. It’s neither popularity nor leadership nor dominance, but rather instead a sense that you carry with you that regardless of how things are going with this person or that person or even the entire immediate social context you’re in, in the broad scheme of things you can and will get your social needs met, everything from being able to get hired as an employee to being able to get friends to help you pack your boxes and move to a new apartment to being able to find someone to love who loves you and wants to bed you well & often and so on and so forth. It is neither something we can simply create for ourselves nor is it something that others bestow upon us, nor is it additive such that we can completely make up for the lack on one side by getting more from the other side, but rather it is multiplicative. Anything times zero is zero, even when the Anything is a large number.

The need for “C” pushes for compromise but it’s a true compromise where the sweet spot fully requires you to have some pushiness on your own behalf, to grant yourself some “S” because otherwise no matter how much “R” you get from others it still gets multiplied by zero and leaves you flat broke for “C”. Being totally uncaring about what others think about you won’t get you there either, as you also can’t just pump yourself up all on your own.