I'm so tired of this.......

Fair warning, personal rant follows. If you hate these kinda threads, stop reading now. Thank you.

I feel like my whole life is suddenly a black hole. I’ve spent the past 6 days at my parent’s house in Memphis. Which was…well, let’s be honest. It was sheer hell. Imagine a visit that starts with your mother staring at you as you walk off the plane, trying to tell if you’ve lost weight. Every conversation this weekend was about either my weight, or my depression. I’ve come to the realization that her love is NOT unconditional, and it’s dependent on how much I weigh. (Sample conversation: "Well, if you WANT to be this weight, we’ll support you.) I can’t take this. Every visit is hell, and I go home and end up overeating. This visit was even worse, because I’m looking for a new job. I have an interview coming up in Richmond. My mother doesn’t want me to move, or take the job, and my father has me losing it already.

I hate my life right now. I’m tired of being supportive to everyone. I’m tired of putting on an act when I visit my parents. I’m tired of being fucking alone. I feel like…I feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out. Either that or just crying for the next week and never stopping. Don’t even know why I sent this post…I hate whining. Guess I just wanted to…I don’t know. To vent, to have someone listen…

On “Forgive or Forget” today there were young people who wanted more attention from their absent father. This guy looks and sounds like Charlie Manson and blames the kids for HIS troubles, as if he were ever around long enough to do more than conceive them.

My point is: sometimes parents are just not worth the trouble. Your mother is pushing you away from her as hard as she can.

Let them come to their senses. A little distance will help and Richmond is a beautiful town, although I have already revealed my pro-Virginian bias.

And, what do you mean “alone?” Won’t your boyfriend come along? And there’s always us, to give you that pathetic “I don’t know what most of my friends look like!” edge.

I’m not in the habit of giving these, but…

{{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}}

You aren’t alone, dear. Seperated from you only by the tenuous web of the Web are lots of people who care about you. Me, for instance. You’ve helped plenty of people through tough times of their own, including me, so let us help you through this one.

I know it’s as hard to do as it is easy to say, but you can’t let the naysayers in your family define your self-worth. If visiting them makes you fall apart… don’t visit them anymore. Being family does NOT give them the right to pick you apart, and you don’t have to associate with them just because you share DNA. By all means go after that job and fearlessly move if you get it. I believe in you.

Hey Falc,

Just crusin’ thru making my usual insomniac rounds of this board. I couldn’t pass this by and leave you feeling without people you can vent or lean on. Kick back, have a good cry/rant and take your life over. Live for yourself and not what other people expect of you.

Well shit, I’m out of lines now. I never was a great advice giver, but I can listen pretty good. EMail me if you feel like it’s all getting too much to handle. A lot of us have been there, and we know.

Being an ex-flyboy, I’ve always liked your name. Now be a falcon and “Aim High” :slight_smile:

{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}}

You are under a lot of pressure right now, hold on.

You need to let your parents (ok your mom) know that you are who you are. If they love you they have to accept you as you are, warts and all. I had to do it with my entire family. I got so damn tired of hearing about my husband not being good enough, my weight, my not caring too much much about make-up and the way I live my life.

Of course now I get to hear how much of a sin it is that I am not healed of Hep C because my faith isn’t strong enough ! Please, my faith is fine.

Crap, sorry I didn’t mean to rant on your rant. :wink:

Falcon, you are a wonderful beautiful, intelligent, and capable woman. If you want to take the job do it, you may actually like it. I think youcan succed at anythink you put your mind and heart to.

Let your parents know how deeply their words cut you, if you can’t do it face to face, write them a letter. But you have to tell them they are hurting you, if you don’t it won’t stop. I’m sure they love you, but they want you to be what they believe you can be, they have to accept that you are what you are. And I for one think what you are is one damn great person ! And you can tell them I said so too !

{{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}} you aren’t alone honey, you have me.

Ok you might be better off alone in that case. :stuck_out_tongue:

Falc, hon, I’m here for you. I was really hoping that this visit would go better, and I’m sorry to hear that it’s not. We’re all here for you, anytime, anywhere. Be strong, and go for that job, you deserve so much better than you’ve been getting from some people. You’re one of the truly special people on this board, and I’m proud to call you my friend.

{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}

I stopped being around my parents because it was just plain bad for me, when I was in my twenties.

It was the singularly healthiest decision I ever made. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If I felt I needed to see them (every once in a very long time), I arranged to get in and have an instant out when it felt unhealthy.

I saw what my siblings went through struggling with this same issue. Some had different ways, some never did get past it. For me, distance was a godsend.

Move to Richmond, it is a beautiful place.

You can see your future, I’m almost sure. Good luck.

May heavens finest blessings shower down upon you.

Why do you people hang out with horrid people just because they are your parents? You owe them your life and the upbringing that made you decent people, but that does not give them a license to mentally abuse you!

I’m a dad. My dad finally got a clue a couple years before he died. We had that much, at least. But my regrets are of his negativity toward me. Shunning him was just a reaction and one he should have expected.

Falcon – You have a lot of company in that foxhole.

I thought I was going to spend my whole life single and alone. At age 38, I got involved with a woman who saw me (consciously or not) as an opportunity for exploitation rather than than as someone she loved and respected (I know what love and respect are, and that wasn’t it!) Now I’m a divorced father, too financially obligated to be much of a prospect, and still a bit bitter. I’m learning the lessons of that mistake, and hope to someday find someone to share a healthy loving relationship with. I’m not going to rush things, though. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place.

I won’t tell you not to worry about it, but I will advise you to be patient, and remember there are a lot of folks who want you to live a satisfying, fulfilled life. Look, but also wait for, someone who values you as a real person to be loved and cherished, not a pawn or resource to be used and discarded.

I’m sad your parents are so self-centered. They sound like unhappy people, willing to use their child as a lightning rod for their own disappointment. If proximity to them is such a toxic adventure, I suggest you might find it better to live apart from them and correspond by snailmail if you still feel the need to stay in touch. You are not obligated to do so.

You are not morally obligated to associate with people who are destructive to you, not even if they are your parents. Being a parent does not make you G-d, and they only deserve the respect (or pity) they earn, and they sound pitiful. They do not value the treasure you are because they somehow got the idea you should turn out exactly they way they wanted. Sorry – you weren’t born to fulfill their desires. That’s their problem. Unfortunately, the loss is felt not by them, but you. I wish I could share my mom with you. She cares more about who you really are than what you look like.

You are a capable, skilled person and are quite able to live your own life without your parents giving you instructions on how to do it. They don’t sound like they got it right the first time (with themselves) so they really don’t have any credibility when it comes to criticizing you. You can manage your own life, thankyouverymuch. It sounds as though they haven’t figured out that you aren’t their property and don’t exist to make them happy/look good.

You have a lot going for you. You have a network of friends, both online and off. You are a worthwhile person. While it might take a while to “deprogram” yourself and become your own person, it will be worth it.

Be brave. You are not alone. There are a lot of us pulling for you.

~~Baloo

Amy, since I have met you I dont think I have heard of one pleasant visit or phone call you have had with your parents. I’m sure that they feel they are trying to help you, but it seems to me that they have no idea that they arent going about it the right way.

When it gets to the point where you come home feeling like you do, and dread the next visit or phone call, its time to let loose and tell them how you feel. You have worked hard losing weight and you should be very proud of yourself. Don’t let anyone, not even your parents rain on your parade.

Geeze, I’ve had and still have some problems with my parents, but I sometimes forget how lucky I am that they never bug me about 1) my weight or 2) my apparently permanent single and childless status.

Poor Falcon! You can’t see these people for more than short visits if all they do is pick on you. I hope you can sort something out with them soon and without it coming to open warfare. Where do I get in the hug line? {{{Falcon}}}

Catrandom
(Also, I’ve seen your picture. You’re gorgeous.)

Oh, Falc, honey, you’re a great-hearted person coping the best you can. Nobody, but nobody can find those sensitive, quivering spots like family can. If you ever figure out that fine line drawn between duty, love and self-preservation, you’ll make a gazillion dollars in the self-help book and talk-show circuit.

It took years, but my sis and I finally started making bets on how it would take mom–who honestly, dearly loved us–to get in a zinger. The happy reunion would inevitably include (usually w/in the first 5 minutes) either “I hate your hair” or “you’ve gained weight.” I’ve always been in the slender to normal range; my (older) sis is just now battling her way out of weight problems. That doesn’t touch the neuroses we both tote around.::shrug:: Who doesn’t?

We’re the only ones left now, so we make sure to get together somehow at least twice a year. (Plus weekly long, comfy phone calls.) Many the time we’ve met at an airport, grabbed each other hard, crying a bit, then said in unison, “I hate your hair”/“you’ve gained weight!”

You get by how you can. I was and am so, so fortunate to my sister to help put the family quirks into perspective. But your family isn’t you, and they’re the least clear-eyed when it comes to who you actually are.

Give what you can, but don’t beat yourself into a pulp if you need to walk away, either.

You’re one fine, loving, beautiful inside and out woman. They aren’t seeing you; they’re seeing patterns of their devising. Use us Dopers as your mirror.

Veb

Falcon! All these years I never knew I had a sister! Next time you see her, say hello to Mom for me!

Seriously, I know exactly what you are going through! People can tell you left and right what to do but you already know what you have to do–you have to make a stand and refuse to be anyone but yourself no matter how much people want you to be someone different. I can say this to you because I, myself, have not yet been able to do this completely–but I am trying.

Your mother will disguise her comments to you behind the facade of “I am just worried about your health” or “Think of how happy you will be when you can just walk into a store and pick up and outfit without having to look for the ‘bigger’ sizes!” but in her quest to “help” you, she is doing nothing but making sure you always feel like you are not good enough.

Well, you know what? You are good enough because the only person you need to be “good enough” for is yourself. If you know you are a great person (and believe me, you certainly are!) then you are great! If you have any doubts about how great you are, just say the word and I’ll start a thread dedicated solely to telling you what a wonderful, amazing person you are and the replies will not stop!

I know that a bunch of people you have never even met face-to-face telling you that you rule does not take the sting out of the people who are supposed to love you no-matter-what telling you that you don’t. But remember, we may have never met you (some of us, anyway!) but we also don’t hang our own short-comings, broken dreams, unfulfilled personal ambitions, and general parent/child hang-ups on you either! I just want you to know that you can come in here and rant all you want–we love you and we are here for you!

P.S. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk/compare families/rant/etc. I know we have never met but I think you are really cool and I have always wanted to meet you! (Of course, now you think I’m some weird cyber-stalker or something!)

Dear Falcon-

You are obviously an awesome woman. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you.

My mother, whom I adored, was an extremely critical mother. She learned this from HER mother, and did not know any better. My own personal opinion is that she got low self esteem from her mother’s critical raising of her. I think that my mother subconciously felt that HER kids were NOT going to ever feel as worthless as she felt, and the best way to accomplish this was to make sure that they did everything perfectly. How better to do this, than to correct them whenever they did not do something PERFECTLY? I had an extremely difficult adolescence, since mom and dad also raised us to have an independant mind and the ability to stand up for ourselves.

My point is this. Your mom is not doing the right thing, here, but she may be doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. I believe that is what my mom was doing. When I was in my 20’s, I went to a seminar by a lady by the name of Jennifer James. She spoke about criticism, and the different ways you can deal with it. I don’t remember the exact name of the book, but I have it somewhere and can dig it out for you if you want me to. She likened criticism to slugs, and it was entertaining as well as a really good education in the whys and wherefores of criticism, and some ways to deal with it and prevent it in the future.

This seminar changed my relationship with my mother. I finally understood where she was coming from, and therefore was able to “combat” her when I felt she was damaging me. We had some difficult times while I was “handing her back the slugs,” but eventually she GOT IT, and became one of my best friends. I loved her before all of this, but by the time I lost her to cancer I had come to adore her, depend on her very wise and practical advice, and appreciate her for reasons entirely unrelated to the fact that she was my mother. I bless the day I got born to that woman, and believe me-if you had asked me when I was 25 years old, you would not have gotten that answer from me.

Falcon, your parents are not being the parents you need. Please consider the possibility that they are being the parents they think you need them to be.

They may not know any better.

I hope that you take this in the very loving spirit in which it is offered. I have been there, and I know it isn’t pretty. Please email me if you want to talk about this-my email address is Scotticher@aol.com.

Scotti

Oh, Falc…

I don’t do this often on the board, but…

::HUG::

::HUG::

::HUG::

I can’t add anything to the above, but I will repeat that you’re a kind, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL person.

If you ever want to vent again, you know we’re here to listen.

Gee, I hate to jump in here with a, “me too” thing but:

What fun I get from my dad. You know, the man I bought a boat for… it was his 60th birthday and all so I bought him a new boat. Yep, paid for it myself. What did he do? He told some that I loaned him the money, he told others that he bought it himself… to others he said that I gave him a “few bucks” in order to get it…

Sigh.

I gave him 2000.00 dollars.

And he lied, misconstrued and basically lied about it.

Sigh.

THIS is my father. He is a major shit and so fucked up. He has basically screwed me out of 50K. Because he is greedy. A million wouldn’t be enough. A billion wouldn’t be enough. He always needs, wants more. I’ve just accepted this.

The big thing when I go visit?

Do you have a job?

They are in panic because I don’t work a 9-5 job like everyone else. I guess it doesn’t matter that I can pay my bills; I don’t have that 9-5 job. And the new thing is, “Aren’t you married yet?”… not that I’m happy doing what I’m doing. I guess I SHOULD be doing what will make THEM happy.

Ah, blow me!

That’s what I’ve said.

I don’t have children but I have a dog that’s so fucking sweet she gives me cavities! I get a lot of, “so, you’re gay” and I just grin and give my step-mother a sharp look in the crotch.

I make a point of only bringing down “girl-friends”.

I go out of my way to portray myself just as they would hate me to be.

Sigh.

Because, really, I’m so boringly normal. Everyone else in my family really knows me. But for them? They are so fucked up in their own little world…

Sigh.

Honey, be yourself. Just that. Be yourself. Fuck them if they think you are too fat (oh, trust me, hon, I’ve got that one too). I’m too fat, too tall, too bold, too male… I’m so “too” that it hurts. But it only hurts them.

Because I’m all me. I’m okay with me. I’m “too” for them but I’m so okay with me. Get your own head into that space. Be okay with you.

Once you are there it’s so easy to tell “them” to fuck off.

My very best to you
Byz

(((((big old hug and catch my spirit)))))

Falcon… isn’t that a bird of prey? Flight and ruthless drive?

evilbeth, your name is wrong, because you just said everything sensible, loving and supportive I wanted to say and bumbled over.

Dang, this thread really illuminates how weird families really are. For years I believed everyone else lived the Cleaver myth and mine was the only group of oddballs united by genes!

Still wishing Falc the best. Still means you have the clearest sight and fly the highest.

Veb

Falc, you don’t have to put up with that. We know and you should know that you are a wonderful person. I don’t know what your mom’s problem is but it IS a problem. Put it however you want, but let her know that you’re tired of it and you won’t put up with it any more and it’s up to HER to make the next move, you’re not going to reach out to someone who’s abusive. Or don’t. I don’t know, but you shouldn’t have to deal with shit like that.

Dear Falcon

First of all… this is a little verse that is supposed to be for couples, but it works for parent/child relationships too:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations … you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I.
And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.

Anyway, parents can suck the life out of you better than anyone else. And after reading your posts I am worried about your weight. Specifically, that I KNOW you will fail if you are trying to lose weight in order ot please your family. You HAVE to be doing it for yourself, or you will suffer many setbacks, and every time your mother barks at you you’ll fall off the diet wagon. Trust me on this. Find the right reasons to lose weight. If you can’t, there aren’t any and you will learn to accept that you are fine the way you are.

(((((Falcon))))) email or ICQ me if you want to talk. I know you are a strong and wonderful person and will find your way through this. I’ll be thinking of you!

You did the hardest and bravest thing a strong person can ever do, say, I need some help, and I don’t feel like being the strong or funny one today, Falc!

I don’t know your parents, but as ** not reallyevilbeth ** said, your mom sure sounds like mine! I can’t know why your mom and dad make the comments they do. Maybe it’s just saying the wrong thing because they aren’t the most sensitive people in the world. Maybe they can’t stop being ‘parent’s’ and interferring in what is really none of their business. Have you seen the movie, ‘Hanging Up’? It isn’t great, but the scene where the Persian mom tells Meg Ryan about dealing with her dad, ‘some people you need to learn to disconnect from’ maybe that is a little of what you need to learn to practice doing.

Even if they mean the best, they aren’t DOING the best, and in the end that will be what counts, they are pushing you away rather than building bridges for you to come to them no matter what. You have friends that have those bridges for you to cross right?? Cherish those, and keep them close to your heart and start practicing a bit of that ‘disconnecting’ from those that hurt your generous heart. Okay?

God bless you sweetie,

Judy