Falcon… I’m not going to pretend that anything I type to you, especially since we have never talked to each other, means anything, But I know what you are feeling, honest I do, God I do sweety, probably more so then you do. Did you see my pic on the SD Guys Page? I am beyond nagging big (as if). I am happy and confident (alright exept when it comes to meeting women) and people know that. My family knows this, but does it stop them… noooooooo, I have gotten used to that because I know they want me to be around awhile… and Im sure thats what you mom wants too. Tell your butinski mom that you are happy with the way you are and if she isnt then SHE is the one that needs to adjust!!
Falcon, there are a lot of us out here hurting. In one year I lost my family. I do have a daughter, but I’m the kind of Mom that only watches from a distance. I’m here if she needs me but I believe in letting her follow her own path, making her own decisions. Yes, this world can be very lonely. It seems there are some people in this world that just give everything of themselves, and when they turn around, there’s no one. I hope things will work out ok for you. Remember, you’re not alone… Take care, and always know, out there is someone, just for us. We just have to find them…
I hate to admit to this but I was in my fifties before I stopped trying to win my father’s approval. It took me that long to realize he is a man who has never approved of anything he didn’t do himself or of anyone other than himself. I now see him very rarely. He is ninety, I am sixty and he still tries to dominate me at every meeting. He has my sister completely under his thumb and she is in her late sixties. You have to (almost) admire his consistency in the intimidation game.
It seems that your mother might well be set on dominating you for the rest of your life. Don’t find yourself in my sister’s position and don’t wait as long as I did. You will have plenty of chances to mess up your own life, don’t let someone else do it for you. (That was a joke.) You also have plenty of chances to make yourself happy. Don’t let someone else deprive you of those chances. (That was not a joke.)
Buck up, Birdie Lady.
From my experience, I think Scotticher may be right. I am 27, and only this year did I realize that my 60+ pound weight gain over the last ten years was due to self-medicating my depression with food. My mother had no idea about this, she just knew I was an intelligent and beautiful person, and for some reason I was “choosing” to destroy my body. I will always be her baby. She still sometimes has nightmares where I’m a small child and she has to save me from some terrible danger. I think as adult children, we forget that our parents never stop caring for us just like they did when we were born. So sometimes they try to “help” us in awfully unhelpful ways.
I finally had to tell my mother that her only role in my weight loss efforts had to be as a cheerleader, or I wouldn’t discuss the issue with her at all. Cheerleaders praise the successes, and encourage during failures. They don’t criticize or tell the team how to play. When a player fumbles the ball, there is no cheer that goes, “If you really wanted to win the game you’d hold on to the ball. What’s the matter with you?” 
For my mother and me, this arrangement has worked. Maybe your folks are tougher nuts to crack, but you won’t know until you lay it out on the table and tell them how much they can hurt you with their words.
In the meantime, sounds from this thread like we could start a “Depressed chubby folks with hyper-critical parents” support group.
Hello Falcon,
While I support everything said so far to try and help you out at this difficult time, from my own experience I just wanted to add something else.
For some people one of the most difficult things (as we progress through life) is to realign the relationship we have with our parents. Maybe some people don’t need to – I think it’s different for men and women - but some other’s do. It’s important to remember that parents, of any age, are just people – fucked up and trying to deal with their own issues. Those issues might concern anything from their own childhood to coping financially in retirement to worrying about the death of their partner or themselves. They won’t tell you but that stuff has to be there.
It’s also good to remember that they are often locked in their own 1920’s/1940’s/1960’s mind-set – what you think they can help you with is a product of your era, not theirs. They often don’t have the emotional vocabulary, experience or understanding to deal with emotional stuff full in the face. It’s quite probable that your mother is trying to be supportive but just doesn’t have a clue about how to approach it – how often do you see this clichéd on TV: the mother putting pressure on the daughter to lose weight, get married, have kids. The mother thinks she’s doing it in the daughter’s best interests and has no idea the manner in which the pressure is brought is actually divisive (ditto depression: “You could do anything, what’s the matter with you”)
Reading between the lines, it’s possible to think you hoped for more from your parents this weekend. It’s also possible your mother tried – and failed hopelessly – to help.
For what it’s worth I say: be strong, don’t look for answer’s, solutions and even support in the sense that you understand ‘support’ from parents of another generation who are just like you and me: flawed, scarred people trying to make it through.
They can’t give us what we want or think we need – we need to look at ourselves honestly and objectively. Parents can’t make it go away.
Falcon, you already know this stuff but perspective sometimes gets blurred in difficult times. It’s harsh but it’s the best I’ve got to offer. Wish you well.
Falcon, it’s bad enough having to just be in Memphis, isn’t it, without having to deal with your parents, too. Just curious, what part of Memphis do you come from? Hubby went to Barlett High and we both went to MSU.
(just trying to throw in a little distraction)
As for your parents, I know exactly how you feel. My mother is one of the most critical people I have ever met. I don’t think I’ve ever recieved one word of praise from her without there being 20 criticisms following. She’s always harping on me about my weight, too. When I was 120 I was too skinny, now that I’m 160 I’m too fat. Funny, when I was 140 I didn’t hear anything about how great I looked!
While I can’t speak for your Mother, I know that my Mother does this out of a misplaced sense of responsibility for me. This seems to be the only way she knows how to express love…I feel sorry for her really, since she only pushes away the people she cares most about. It doesn’t help either that my father is a) a perfectionist, and b)unable to express his feelings except by buying stuff.
It’s up to you whether you want to continue having a regular relationship with your parents or not. Trust me, you wouldn’t be the first person to decide that it was better not to deal with them at all. As for me, I just decided that it was their problem, and basically tune them about. Sometimes it still stings, but I’ve been able to pretty much stop taking it personally.
Hope this helped, if not know that I’m always available to talk. BTW, if you have another Memphis visit planned in August, I’ll be there, too. Maybe we could get together, and go sit on the cobblestones by the river or something (seems to be the only thing to do in Memphis!).
Hugs for Falcon, from another chimer-in.
I have at one point or another given up on both of my (divorced) parents. My mother lives in a world that obviously has a different coloured sky than that which the rest of us see. My father is, on his best days, misguided to an extreme. There is much more than this, but I don’t wish to get into it here.
I still see them, but only on my terms. I live less than 10 miles from each of them, but see them perhaps once a month. I have determined that I cannot deal with them more often than that, and, far more importantly, that I do not have to.
That’s my message. You do not necessarily owe them anything - rather, you owe it to yourself to keep your own life as stable and happy as possible. That means making some rough decisions about your interactions with you folks, I know. But I also know how much happier I became, after the passage of some time, once I made that decision to only surround myself with people who are healthy for me to be around.
Some more hugs for Falcon…
And, vent all you want. You have many friends here who don’t mind a bit.
Falc, I don’t have anything to say that wasn’t already said.
I have lived my whole life hearing that I ‘have potential’ and ‘such a pretty face’. Of course what I really heard was ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘too bad you are so fat, you might be pretty if you weren’t’.
Too bad /ignore doesn’t work IRL.
Live for yourself, make yourself happy. Living well is the best revenge.
Love,
Rose
Falcon, you’re awesome.
Meeting you in Chicago was a great honor. You’re one of the kindest, warmest, wittiest people I know.
YOU are great, and that’s all that matters. It’s time for your mom to realize that she has a great daughter, a strong, independent, beautiful woman with a life and a mind of her own. If she can’t realize that, then she’s failed you, not the other way around.
(((Falcon)))
Falcon,
There are exactly five things which will make your life seem all the better:
-
Continue to follow me around the board, posting immediately after I post with snide comments and asides;
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After the next get together, go home, pop on the computer and post the pictures immediately. This will save countless hours of stress.
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Tell Mom you are engaged to a doctor. This will please her. Tell her is she doesn’t leave you alone, she will never get grand kids from you. And when you do make the rest of us guys miserable by deigning to marry the man of your dreams and have kids, she will not be allowed to see them!
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One word: Norfolk! That way I can give you a big hug and a sloppy kiss have pictures taken which you can use to fend off Mom and make all your friends jealous that you know such an awesome piece of man meat.
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Laugh. At least once a day. And that’s an order.
Parents: Two people with whom we’re supposed to fall in love at birth and remain in love with until we die because they had sex with one another before we existed.
My mom is a wonderful person. My dad ambivalates between being a wonderful person and a manipulative, twisted individual. Now that I live away from home and I don’t have to see them all the time, my dad is much more pleasant to me. This may mean something.
(VB counts off on his fingers:)
“Lessee, smart, pretty, cute, wonderful, witty, liked by so many and adored by more,bouncy, sparkling eyes,Huge Heart,Self-sufficient (Although you don’t think so right now, Gobs of people who care about you, A wonderful new job opportunity in a beautiful historic city.”
Hmmm; Kinda sounds like what I’ve been telling you, huh?
Yo Falc! Your future’s so bright, I hope you’re wearing shades!
{{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}}}
{{{{Falcon}}}}
If I hadn’t met you IRL at the DC/B’more Dopefest, I would have sworn it was my friend from school posting. She has the exact same problem with her parents–critical of her weight, etc. etc. etc. They are unhappy with themselves and take it out on their children. It really sucks when the people who are supposed to love you the most are your worst critics. How the hell are you supposed to feel good about yourself after being rejected by your parents?
Sweetie, you have so much going for you! Don’t let them drag you down. The only thing you need to do to be beautiful is to believe you are.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to let them go. You have to realize that they are toxic, and you can’t be around them because it is too damaging for you. It is absolutely OK for you to draw that line and refuse to spend any more time with them than is absolutely necessary.
And it’s OK to vent!
Please cheer up soon. Chief Scott is making himself look pretty silly trying to cheer you up, and it’s killing me. I can’t hold back the snide remarks much longer. p l e a s e …hurry!
::snorts of laughter as she walks away, “such an awesome piece of man meat”, I mean really now.
::
Well, as usual, everybody has said everything I would say to you, Falcon, and better than I would have said it.
Bottom line: You matter; you’re a great person and you don’t have to have relationships with ANYBODY that isn’t willing to recognize and validate those first two points.
Register me among those willing to provide you support and friendship whenever you may need it.
I don’t know you Falcon, but you sound like a very decent person, very sensitivie, very kind. You deserve better.
Your complaint struck a chord with me. I, too, have an abusive mother and once I got sober (after 20 years of hell), I moved to California, 3000 miles from my parents. Now I determine how I am treated by her. I make the rules. She quickly learned that I would no longer tolerate her twisted headgames, guilt trips, pleas for pity, or attempts to get me to join in denigrating my siblings. The irony is that she is actually learning a thing or two from her son about how to conduct oneself like a rational loving human being whose every move isn’t predicated upon the perception of a warped ego. Go to Richmond, quit obsessing about your weight and do this: Listen to what you say to yourself and see how it would feel if someone else were saying the same thing to you. You will be appalled. Would that you could love yourself like your friends do.
Oh god…I’m crying now. Thank you.
evilbeth, I’m laughing through the tears…if I had a buck for every time I’ve heard “I am just worried about your health” or “Think of how happy you will be when you can just walk into a store and pick up an outfit without having to look for the ‘bigger’ sizes!”, I’d be fucking rich by now. What gets me is…my goal is the weight I weighed when I graduated high school. And I remember her telling me I was too fat then. We got into a fucking FIGHT over me having to wear a size 14. And evilbeth…as many people can tell you who know me, I don’t think I’m that great.
Last my mom came up as I was going to bed and told me to just keep going, since I’d be happier. Hell, I’m not happy now. I hate visiting, I hate the constant shit. And I know I shouldn’t go if I feel like this, but…I’m too much of a “good daughter” not to. I’m an only child, and I feel like I owe it to them. sigh So I’m fucked.
Amy, you can still be the “good daughter” and tell them how you feel. I was in a bitch fest with my mom for years and finally I told her there were certain things I wouldnt discuss with her. I was still a good daughter, just with some ground rules and things were so much better after that. She went to her grave knowing I loved her and probably in the long run feeling better about our relationship and perhaps herself as well.
falcon: it could be worse. Sometimes i wish as I had parents to nag me once in a while (my Mom died when I was 19, my dad about 6 years ago). I miss them, my dad more, since I was with him longer.
And I will ask one question: is your weight so bad you are “morbidly obese”, ie your Doctor says you are killing yourself? In that case, I am afraid the parenst are right, and blaming them is just a crutch. But, if your are just out of fashion, ie “rubenesque”, then they are completely wrong, and they should mind their own business, and you should say so. Let your mom know that your Doctor has no real problem with your* wieght, and that her carping makes you eat MORE.
And, WE are here for you, in any case, 24/7. Rant, and we’ll rant with you, cry, and there will be shoulders & hankies offered. Flame, and we’ll toast you right back.
- even if the Dr. says something like mine “you could stand to lose some weight”.