As I don’t have any words of wisdom or eloquent advice to share with you, Falcon, let me a least offer this:
- Cross your arms over your chest.
- Squeeze really, really hard.
- Consider yourself hugged by a newbie.
Falcon, your parents will do this to you as long as you do not grow a backbone and remind yourself that you won’t be treated that way, by anyone.
If seeing the parents makes you unhappy, stop all contact. Pack your bags and get as far away as possible.
As one who went through some of that, I can tell you that there is a heck of a lot to be said for getting away and putting lots of miles between you.
My mother is allowed one phone call a year, and she is not allowed to whine or bitch about the past. She also has the option to not contact me at all.
My life improved so much when I moved away.
Give it a try.
Is your mother in prison?
Okay, falcon.
I’m not going to hug you, because I think that looks gay. Not that there is anything wrong with net hugs, but I just thing they look dumb, and I would feel foolish doing it.
That said,
:o* !smmmmmmooooooooooooch! :o*
You know how I feel about you, so I don’t have to go into it here.
You’re right, parental relations can suck. I think you really need to have it out with them. You don’t need to live there.
I think you need to tell mom n dad, just as I did:
"I don’t think I’m going to come back here any more. Actually, I know I won’t ever be back. I love you, and I want to be close to you, but all you do is make me feel bad about myself.
I don’t owe you anything, and I don’t miss anything here.
All I have are memories of inadequacy about this place, so much so that I have a complex now. Thanks.
And I know I am a cool person, and that I have a lot to offer the world.
So tell me: Why am I going to associate with people who are supposed to help me be the best, but who only seem to want to break me down? If you ever realize how badly you’ve been treating me, call me. I’ll always be listed and hopeful of our reconciliation. Until then, you’re not a person, and you’re not my mother. Not to me…
Goodbye."
Well, when that call comes it’s the best feeling in the world.
If it doesn’t, you’ve had shut of those people and their mindless games.
I can’t offer advice, I can only tell you that I can relate and that I hope you come through it the better for wear. I hope that you can show them someday, and I hope that things will improve. I hope that you can listen to some really good music, have a great glass of merlot, take a long bath, have a good cry and face the world fresh the next day with some achievable goals clearly in mind.
I think you would be better off listening to
“Ladies and gentleman of the class of 99- Wear sunscreen. The long term benefits-” but if you ever want to talk, please e-mail me. I heard from you once and it was great, twice would be a boon.
<!movie quote alert!>
Sooner or later you’re going to realize, just as I did, that there is a difference between knowing the path… and walking the path.
<end movie quote alert>
Take it easy, girl, and if it’s easy, take it twice!
~Santi
There comes a time in your life when you have to realize it is YOUR life. This may be yours. Good luck.
Falcon, the best move I ever made was moving away from my family. I have a great job and live in a great city that is a 6 hour drive from my nearest relative. I spend holidays with good friends and my husband and I love holidays now. I use to dread them.
I did not lose weight. I did not change my personality. I did not cut my hair, wear makeup, or any number of things that my family said i needed to do to be loved. Oh, and as a bonus, I seldom get depressed anymore. I used to get deeply depressed fairly often. It is a lot easier to feel better without my family’s ugly words in my ear. Liking myself is far easier than getting them to like me.
I took that job in a faraway city. Maybe if you do, you will be happier too. {{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}} It can get better. Good luck with your new job.
If you take the job in Richmond let me know. We’ll get together.
My father was absentee all of my life. For years I wondered what was wrong with me, why didn’t he want to see me or call me. As I got older and realized how many opportunities I had passed by, how many talents I possessed but had never nurtured, I realized it wasn’t his fault it was actually hers. My mother had crippled me with her constant criticism and neglect. When she wasn’t making me feel like a failure she ignored me. But now that I am older, I understand that she was not trying to hurt me. She had a lot on her plate and she made a lot of mistakes. Not too unlike myself as a single parent.
It means a lot to be able to understand why our parents react to us they way they do. Then we can understand ourselves and make adjustments accordingly. My mother still attempts to use guilt and criticisim to control me. I simply do not let her anymore. Yeah, it still makes me mad. Yes, sometimes she’s actually right. But it no longer CRIPPLES me. I should never have allowed it in the first place. But I don’t stress about that either, I’ve made the necessary adjustment. And she has eased up considerably.
There will never be a time when you are absolutely free from the pain of a disapproving parent. So don’t think this will ever really end, but it can get better. You are an adult now and your energies would be much better spent doing the things you know are right for you. You have all the necessary skills, you just need to learn how to use them. One of the first things you can do is learn to ignore or confront people who’s attitudes will undermine your success as a person. I say ignore because in the case of your parents sometimes that’s the best you can do. Go on about your life doing the things you know will bring you satisfaction, and ignore their negative attitude. Eventually they will ease up themselves. They cannot continue in the face of your indifference. Good luck.
Needs2know
Falcon,
You are one of my favorite posters. You really are all that these folks have said.
I do know where you are coming from on the weight at graduation from High School. I was always told I was overweight and that I needed to lose weight. Well now I have really gained a lot of weight since High school and most of it since I have been married. Now, when I show people pictures of my from when I was in High School, they tell me that cannot be me, that I look so thin. Same with my wife. She is 5’7 or 5’8 and weighed like 135-140 at graduation. Her parents told her she was too fat. Then a few years later her sisters were about that size and they were told they were fine (the younger one was a cheerleader. Now we both wish we were our High School sizes and so do our parents.
You know I have good parents and I see them all the time, but even they rub me the wrong way occasionally. My mom has to complain about how we keep our house or how we spend our money and my weight and all sorts of stuff. Finally, I had enough. I figured “Dang it, I am 30 with a beautiful, wonderful wife whom I have been married to for 8 years, I have a great job, a house, and two beautiful daughters. I do not ask them for anything and I do not need their advice.” So, last time she was at our house and started complaining about my housekeeping, I told her then she could go home if she did not like it. It kind of shut her up for the moment.
Falcon, you have to do what it best for you. You will likely never make them happy. My mom would find something to complain about even if everything were “perfect”, yours will too. Just try to find what makes you happy and then when they complain, just tell them that you are happy with your life and they should be too.
Jeffery
Hey there Falcon aka Gossip Smurf,
First off, you said you went to Memphis. You should have known better. Memphis brings out all that is evil in everyone. I have only had bad experiences there. It is the evilest place on Earth after the Pentagon. 
I told you about that in person I think. hehehehe
Anyway, don’t sweat it. When my parents or friends would deeply insult me I would just stop talking to them for a long time. Eventually they would either come to their senses and realize they hurt me or they would just fall off the planet. Sometimes the latter isn’t the worst option.
I know that you have been looking for a new job for some time. Richmond is significantly cheaper than it is here. I wish you the best in getting the job you want. You may have to take the job you need in the interim but that shouldn’t be a problem. I hope the one in Richmond works out.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Hi Falcon. I’ll confess to the board crime of not having read every response on this thread, but I’ve read quite a few. FWIW, dear, I had to sever communications with my parents for a few years. We got back in touch in my late 20’s after a 6-7 year abeyance. That worked for me.
As I’m sure you know, nobody here gives a damn how much you weigh, what you do for a living or what you wear (boy scout uniforms?).
Care, dear. We need you - somebody’s gotta yank Chief’s chain.
I would like to ammend beatle’s post with no one gives a damn about how much you weigh, what you wear, or what you do for a living as long as you are doing what makes you happy.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Falcon,
My Mother is a nut, too. I’m never good enough for her (I could go on for PAGES about her). So, I know exactly where you are right now.
That said, here’s a big hug from someone who knows
{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}
Rant all you need too little bird, it seems there are a lot of sympathetic ears here waiting to listen.
Feel free to email me - I’m a good listener and commiserater
Good luck getting that job in Richmond
Fine. I’ll do it then.
{{{{{{{{{Falcon}}}}}}}}}}}