Question about spouses disability

Factual Questions
1

First off, let me say while I am asking for opinions/options in my situation, I am not asking for legal advice. I realize this can get into legal areas, but I’m mostly interested in others opinions on what I could/should do rather than a lawyerly answer. I already know the relevant legal issues anyway.

My wife is on disability for mental illness. As part of her disability, she can not receive the funds herself. It goes into an account that I am the representative payee on, and I am supposed to make financial decisions for her. Realistically I never did more than monitor the account. My wife is occasionally suicidal, she’s not stupid or out of touch with reality. I’ve always felt she’s capable of controlling her own finances and she’s never given me reason to think otherwise.

My wife is also not going to be my wife much longer. Once the required 6 month separation period is up I will be filing for divorce. Currently she is living with her parents. When she moved in with them, she had her ATM card. At her parents insistence, she gave them the ATM card. The eventual plan is to make her father the rep payee and remove me from the account entirely. That has not happened yet though. Legally, I still have control over it.

The problem I’m facing is that I never did trust her parents on financial issues. While I am filing for divorce, I don’t want to see my wife screwed over. So I’ve kept tabs on withdraws and occasionally talk to my wife about it. I and my wife both are absolutely convinced that her parents regularly take money out of her account without her permission or knowledge. Over the few months we’ve been separated, it has amounted to several thousand dollars. Whatever they spend the money on, it is not for the benefit of my wife.

Now as rep payee, I can get the ATM card disabled and shut her parents out of the account entirely. I also know what her parents are doing is against SSI rules and could report them. I’ve mentioned this to my wife, but she asked me not to because it would make her home life very hard. Also I am doing my best to keep thing as civil as they can be for a divorce and either of these things smacks too close to that ‘I’m gonna fuck em over’ mentality that I’m trying to avoid.

Talking to her parents will do no good. She has already confronted them on the issue several times with no result. Her parents, naturally, hate me now and are already pushing as hard as they can to make the divorce as bitter and contested as possible, so I definitely would have no influence talking to them.

On one hand I feel like I should just walk away. I’m divorcing her, it’s no longer my place to get involved. Her relationship with her parents is her concern. On the other hand, parents stealing from their mentally ill child just plain pisses me off. Even if she wasn’t my wife, I’d consider that wrong. In this case, I actually have the power to do something to correct that wrong.

So I ask you guys as third parties not emotionally invested in the situation, what do you think I should do here? Put a stop to this despite that would make my wife’s living situation harder, or just leave it be and let them continue stealing her money?

2

I’d simply issue them a policy: you’ll hawk the account and at the first sign of anything hinky, you’ll kill the card and notify SSI. Once you’re divorced, you can give the card to your wife (or whoever) and it’ll no longer be your business.

Now, if it were me, I would have probably done all of that despite the wife’s wishes, because I really can’t stand that type of behavior (of course, I’d have my ducks in a row in the form of some sort of proof). But you’re closer to the situation and that may not be for you, so I’d at least draw a line in the sand, and be prepared to act if they cross it.

3

This is really between your soon to be ex-wife and her parents. You say she has confronted them, but to no avail. Can she not name someone else as her representative payee? I think she needs advice from a lawyer who specializes in these kinds of issues before the divorce it finalized, but make sure there is proof of wrong doing before getting proper legal advice.

4

You are failing in your fiduciary responsibility to your wife. It may well be that she can manage her money, but you have been given that responsibility so despite your feelings you should do something.

Worse, (and I’m not sure about this) by not doing anything you may be making yourself financially liable. You are supposed to be overseeing the money and using it in your wife’s best interests. Money is disappearing from the account and not being used in that way. I’d think your wife could sue you for failure to act properly. Once her parents have control of the account and are acting in her interests, they could sue you. You might have a hard time proving that you had not removed the money. I don’t know you or your wife, so I have no idea if she would do such a thing or could be convinced to do so by her parents or if she’d vouch for you or how her word would be taken against her parents if they insisted you had taken the money. You really should talk to a lawyer about this.

5

Is it possible that they are taking money from her account for what they consider rent? Even if it is a form of rent, that needs to be discussed and agreed-on with their daughter, not just stolen from her. Other than that, what they are doing is reprehensible. I would report them to SSI - the idea for having someone else in charge of her money is that they will look after her with that money, not that the person with access to her account can just steal from her.

6

No offense intended, but if she’s sufficiently bonkers to require financial oversight, it should be possible to get some sort of court to appoint an appropriately neutral person to do this post-marriage.

7

Thanks for the replies. A few clarifications

I have made an appointment with a local pro-bono attorney who deals with “persons with disabilities involving financial exploitation”. I’m trying to talk her into coming along, but even if she doesn’t, I will be getting a lawyers opinion before I take action. Which is part of why I wasn’t looking for a lawyerly answer here (that and I ain’t trusting random people on the net for legal advice).

I know it isn’t for rent or something similar. My wife confronted her parents when it started happening. They confirmed they did it and that it wasn’t used for her benefit. They stopped after that, which is why I didn’t press the issue. Recently they’ve started doing it again. She confronted them again, and they confirmed they did it. They did not say what it was for, but when given a chance they didn’t use the excuse it was for rent or anything like that.

I really don’t want to go to a third party rep payee. Given my wife has, among other things, social anxiety issues it would be best to not put her in a position of begging a stranger for money. Plus I don’t want to punish her parents, and I think it likely that explaining the situation to SSI might cause that. She does have to live with them, punishing them would just make the situation worse. If it comes down to it, I’ll go that route, but I’d rather another option if I can find one.

Really my issue was my moral responsibilities. I let the divorce, and my wife’s desire to leave it alone, cloud my judgment. OldGuy’s phrasing here, as well as that none of the replies suggested I leave it be, helps. I have responsibility for my wife. The other issues do not change that. Putting it in stark terms like that makes it clear what I’m morally obligated to do and why that is not nearly as confusing a mess as I thought it was.

8

It is possible to still have some concern for a person you divorce. Presumably, you had affection for your wife when you married her and I assume you wish no harm to befall her even if you don’t want to live with her anymore.

Unfortunately, relatives stealing SSI (and that is what her parents are doing if you’re describing the situation accurately) is much more common than anyone would like.

You have been made her financial guardian, above and beyond being her husband. You have a duty to protect her financial assets. I can understand that post-divorce you may no longer want this responsibility, but clearly her parents can’t be trusted in that role.

Even if you don’t like the idea of a third-party guardian, even if it gives your soon to be ex-wife the heebie jeebies, this must be done. Because if it’s not, her parents are just going to keep doing this. (If the usual pattern is followed, they probably assume you have been doing this all along, which may account for some animosity here) If her father is made her financial guardian she’ll soon be stripped of assets. So I really don’t see there being any choice here.

And what OldGuy said.

9

Please forgive me if this comes across as harsh. I don’t mean it to. Is there any way to find out if your wife’s account of things is completely accurate?

I assume you are basing your belief about your in-laws’ motivations from this -

If I am not mistaken, this is your wife’s account of how things went down. It is possible that the court may not believe her, or that she may tell a different story in court (for whatever reason). If she is disabled enough to need a guardian, she may not be believed in court, especially if she doesn’t testify and your account is hearsay of what she said to you.

It’s a cliche to say “talk to a lawyer”, and you are already doing that, which is a good thing. But listen to what he has to say, and consider if it might be possible that there is more to the situation than meets the eye.

It is entirely possible that everything is just as you believe - that your soon-to-be-ex-in-laws are stealing from your StBX-wife. But maybe not.

My $.02 worth.

Regards,
Shodan

10

Old Guy has got it right. Also don’t take your wife’s word for what’s happening. YOU are the fiduciary over the funds. Cancel the ATM card that the parents have. Go meet with the parents, and discuss it with them. Put this all on yourself. Tell them that you don’t trust them with your wife’s money. Let them be pissed at you, this will take some of the concern that they will retribute against your wife. This isn’t your wife’s decision, it’s yours as the fiduciary. If they believe they need to be reimbursed for expenses they are incurring on behalf of their daughter, tell them to come to you and you will be reasonable about reimbursing them.

It is apparent that you care for your soon to be ex-wife. There’s no reason that you can’t continue as the representative payee (fiduciary) even after the divorce, especially since you appear to be the one looking after her best financial interest.

11

That’s a fair question. And since no one here knows me personally or the identity of my wife and her parents, I’ll answer honestly.

My mother in law used the be treasurer of her AA chapter, until she was caught embezzling. When we got married, I paid for the wedding. About a year later her mother gave us $500 for the wedding since they couldn’t help at the time. Awhile later we found out her dad thought we were given $1200. My inlaws declared bankruptcy due to credits cards run up, within a year they had collectors calling on the new credit card debt they ran up. And yet, they seem to take trips to go gambling at least a couple times a month.

So yeah, I’m pretty sure what my wife says is happening really is.

Thanks for the help guys. In part because of the replies, I’m definitely going to do something. What exactly will depend on what the lawyer says, but I’ve eliminated ignoring it as an option now.