I have a lot of activist friends and lately I’ve seen them post article after article written by black women who hate it when strange white women ask to touch their hair. They write about it as if it happens all the time. They do provocative projects about it. Obviously this has touched a collective nerve, and I can absolutely see why.
The thing is… I am a white woman, and I have never in my life desired to touch any person’s hair, much less someone I didn’t even know personally. I have never seen a white woman ask to touch a black woman’s hair. The idea that this happens to some people on a regular basis just baffles me. It would suggest there are white women out there just burning with curiosity about black hair. I realize to some extent this is my own privilege speaking, but I’ve just never really thought about it very deeply before (with the exception of Good Hair, that was a good documentary.)
So my question for black women is, has this ever happened to you? Does it happen on a regular basis? How do you feel about it? Do these awareness projects ring with meaning for you, or is umbrage at hair touching more of an exception rather than a rule?
White women - have you ever asked to touch a black person’s hair? A stranger? Why? This is a judgement-free question. I just want to understand.
My hair is too short to warrant any curiosity. But when it was longer (bigger), it was a semi-common occurrence to be subjected to someone else’s touch. I even created a SD thread about it. The guys in my workplace kept pawing at my fro. I never did muster up the courage to tell them to stop, but it certainly annoyed me.
I hate to generalize, but here I go: most black women are sensitive when it comes to hair. And I am one of them. I’m normally a very laidback, slow-to-anger person, but I once completely flipped out on a guy who made the mistake of poking fun of my humidity-infused hair. I threatened to kill him. And this was after quietly enduring several hours worth of other insensitive/offensive jokes at my expense. Hair is one of those things that get at our “otherness”, I suppose.
While I have never been one to try to touch stangers myself, I don’t think this is a race thing as much as it is that some people have a desire to touch hair/heads that look like they have an interesting texture. For example, I know that bald men or men with buzz cuts are approached by people who want to touch their heads too. It used to happen to my husband when he had a buzz cut.
Some people are just more comfortable touching strangers than others are, and don’t even seem to realize that other people’s boundaries are different. Look at how some women have an urge to touch pregnant women’s bellies, sometimes without even asking. As a doc, I have also heard of female surgeons specializing in breast surgery having to deal with patients who for some reason think it would be appropriate to touch the doc’s breasts to “compare”.
I am a white woman who went to high school in the American south and was one of four white people in my graduating class. I lived in a college dorm that was about 50% black women (it was gender segregated housing.)
I have touched a heap of black women’s hair - but only after being invited. I’ve also had a lot of black women touch my hair, but only after begin invited (begged, basically.) I learned to braid my hair from black girls, but I was never very good at it and used to get my black friends to braid it for me. It’s also why I French braid with the braid on top.
I used to curl other girl’s hair, black and white. I’m a child of the 80s, you see. I have helped apply perms. I have helped braid cornrows. I have passed judgement on what amount of Jherri curl was too much. It was just a thing we did.
I cannot fathom ever, for any reason, touching another woman’s hair without their express permission, regardless of their ethnicity. Maybe if they had some sort of biting insect on them. That’d be about it.
ETA: That said, I do admire natural, unstraightened, unprocessed black women’s hair. I think it looks awesome. If I know the woman, I’ll tell her her hair looks awesome. I would no more touch it than I would set myself on fire.
Isnt it the same kinda space-invasion thing as trying to touch a pregger’s belly? Not cool. Unless you happen to be a child and cannot resist running your hands all over a woman’s fur coat while she’s wearing it … keep your hands off other people unless you know them, and even then, its polite to ask.
I’m white, and I *love *hair, so yes, I’ve thought about wanting to touch black women’s hair, just like I’ve wanted to touch other women’s hair, and men’s hair.
I have NEVER dared to ask anyone (other than friends, family, and lovers), and would NEVER touch without permission.
I do have to admit to burning curiosity tho. My own is so straight and flat and limp and blah and boring… it just seems that there are so many different types so different from me, I’d like to see what they feel like.
Because they don’t always ask first and they don’t take no for an answer, or they act like a brat if they can’t. “Aww, come on! I just want to touch it. Please?” “What a bitch.” And that’s not pleasant to have to go through on a daily or even regular basis.
If it’s not a phenomenon with which you are familiar, it’s always a safer bet to reserve judgment than to belittle other people for reacting.
Others have answered, but I also wanted to say it’s a Microaggression. By itself, it’s not a huge thing. But a lot of black women have to deal with a lot of shit on a day to day basis, and the little things add up.
I am white. I had a racially mixed group of friends growing up and we all did the girly “play with each other’s hair” thing at slumber parties and such. So I know fairly well what a lot of different types of hair feels like. That may be why it has never crossed my mind to touch or ask to touch a stranger’s hair.
I will admit that sometimes I see guys with super gelled hair and I wonder just how crunchy it is, but I keep my hands to myself.
I’m a blond, and when I lived in Brazil people often asked to touch my hair. It was usually friends asking to brush my hair, but sometimes people would randomly ask.
It’s a totally different situation, I realise, coming from a different background it had no negative connotation for me, plus people were always very respectful in asking. I’ve never had any sensitivity about my hair, and I love people fiddling with my hair. So it was always fine.
So although a very different situation, I thought I’d add that. I think it shows the interest people have in otherness and difference. In many situations, referencing that you see someone as “other” is entirely inappropriate and, I would imagine, hurtful and/or plain racist.
White girl. I’ve had my hair played with by strangers many times, without being asked first. If that’s a relevant data point. It’s the only one I’ve got.
I’ve never felt the desire to feel any stranger’s hair, of any texture.
I’m a guy and I’ve had it happen, and my hair is usually pretty darned short. In each case, it’s been someone from a different culture with little exposure to blacks of any ethnicity. The funniest was a Russian co-worker who’s wife and daughter were on site. The duaghter was about 5 and whispered the request to her father, who was pretty embarassed but passed on the request. I let the girl touch it, then noticed a couple extra hands on there.
It’s never happened with someone from the US, though.
Ditto. I’m not black (well, only 1/16) but I’ve had more strangers touch my hair without asking than I can count. Holy fuck, ladies, didn’t you learn to look at things you find pretty with your eyes not your hands by the time you were four like the rest of us?! I’m sure the weirdo strangers that touch my hair have no qualms about doing the same thing to black women too.
As for me, I’ve never wanted to touch a stranger’s hair. The hair of a few men I knew, on the other hand…
My (white) sister had waist-length hair for many years, and she sometimes complained about strangers on the bus, etc., who for some reason felt it was acceptable to not just comment upon but touch her hair. She often wore it in a braid, and she said that some people would actually grab her braid and point at her with it while talking to her.
I can easily believe the same sort of thing happens to other women with hair that’s considered “different”, and I can also believe that black hair = different for many white people.
I’m not a touchy person with strangers, so I can’t even imagine wanting to touch a stranger’s hair. I loathe when I’m sitting behind someone with long hair who keeps touching me with it. It happens on the bus or at ballgames. Bleh.
