There’s a black woman who works in my office (let’s call her Jennifer). Really sweet woman and all-round good person. The other day as I was walking into the office and she was discussing her hair with another woman (she may have gotten a different hairstyle - her hair seemed bigger and fluffier than I remember it, but I could be wrong, and this is not the type of thing that I tend to notice). Anyway, the other woman felt Jennifer’s hair, and as she did said “you don’t mind that I’m touching it?” and Jennifer responded “Oh, absolutely not, not a problem at all!”
Now ordinarily I wouldn’t have paid much notice - in general touching other people’s bodies doesn’t seem socially appropriate to me, but for all I know women do these things. But IIRC I’ve seen on this MB that white women touching black women’s hair is some sort of “thing” and frequently an annoyance to those being touched. So I got to thinking that for all I know Jennifer was really being put upon but was just too polite to object (especially as it was too late by that point anyway). She certainly seemed genuine, but again, she’s a really nice person so she could have been faking it.
And the key thing I don’t know is what the relationship is between Jennifer and her toucher - there would be a difference if they’re close friends or just work colleagues.
But my question is: just how widespread and annoying is this practice, and how likely is it that Jennifer genuinely had no objection at all to this woman feeling her hair?
When I first heard about this I thought it was kind of odd. Not the curiosity involved, but the idea that anyone goes around touching someone else’s hair without asking. Now maybe Jennifer doesn’t mind at all, but it certainly seems rude, and I say that as a person who sets the bar for rudeness pretty high.
I watched Chris Rock’s film Good Hair recently, and one of the things I learned is that You Do Not Touch a Black Woman’s Hair.
Ever.
Not even if you’re having sex with her.
Not least because weaves can easily cost $1000.
Which is insane, to be honest.
And some of the women in the film did say that strangers do touch their hair without asking, and that it seriously angers them. I can’t speak for Jennifer, though.
At that point there are only two options - either jerk away or so “yes, I mind”, or just accept it. They were talking about hair, so it might have been agreed upon, but jeez louise, you still ask before you paw at someone else’s head.
I have a friend who had extremely long, heavy blond hair - like to her ankles long. She’d wear it in a thick, rope-like braid - really the only way to keep it controlled - and she often had people touching or even pulling it! Why would anyone think it was OK to pull the hair of a 30-something woman??
Maybe some people are just overcome with Teh Stoopit when they encounter something unusual and they feel compelled to touch it.
We have breakfast at a local cafe just about every weekend, and most of the time, our server is a black woman who has had some pretty ornate hair styles. I’ve never wanted to touch, but I have to fight not to stare. I’m really curious how some of the 'dos are put together. She told me one time she spent 5 hours getting it done. (As someone who’s in and out of Hair Cuttery in 30 minutes, I can’t imagine having someone fuss with my hair for hours at a time.)
One the one hand I cannot imagine touching any part of any one without permission. Then again if you have to ask then it’s probably not appropriate anyway. On the other hand, I generally don’t mind / some times like casual touching but I realize I’m in the minority. I remember one year I had my hair cut super short - like Anne Hathaway for Les Miz - and I can’t tell you the number of people, men and women- who came by my desk at work and felt the back of my neck:eek: I’ve also asked black women with whom I had a good enough rapport to touch their hair. Black hair just feels different from white hair; what’s the big whoop? The point is I knew them well enough and believe me, if they had any objections they would have told me.
So, to the OPs question, if Jennifer minded she probably would have given some kind of clue, verbal or otherwise. It sounds like it was exactly as it seemed. But we can’t be in her head anyway so will never know for sure.
Yes, there is no doubt that blond hair is far silkier than mine. I have tight curls, though, so I have a totally different kind of hair altogether. But I don’t touch without permission!
I hate when people say stuff like “NEVER touch a black woman’s hair!” It’s not like we’re wild animals. Some black women will mind all the time, no matter the context. But most of us will make allowances for certain individuals, under certain situations.
Personally, if someone asked prior to touching, I’d let them touch. It’s the not-asking that would piss me off, not necessarily the touching. (Though, I wouldn’t like someone presuming I don’t mind, like that white woman did. I wouldn’t show how I felt, but I’d be privately thinking to myself “What nerve!”)
I wouldn’t let someone touch my hair if I didn’t trust them not to say anything stupid. Once I had a coworker who asked if I had “those knots” in my hair when I was a little girl. Said with much disdain on his face. He could have gotten down on his knees and begged to touch my hair, and I still wouldn’t have let him.
It’s way more common than it should be, and I hope the two women were at least friends or friendly enough for it to not be a problem. It’s one of those things that seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal but it’s a serious boundary issue, plus you run the risk of messing up someone’s hairstyle.
I’m sure this is just confirmation bias on my part, but I’ve only noticed white women or girls touching other peoples’ hair/head without asking for permission first. I’m lucky to have naturally very pretty low-maintenance hair that used to be long, but I had to start wearing it up in a bun (or similarly contained) back in junior high because rude girls wouldn’t stop trying to play with it even after I asked them to stop, or there’d be some lady in public that would come up behind me and start touching it. I only haven’t dealt with it much in the last 2 years because I shaved it all off and it’s only now getting to be long again… and getting comments already.
I mean, I appreciate that they liked my hair, but the more it happened the more I wanted absolutely everyone to leave me alone. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me about my hair (they can never seem to resist touching while they talk), just leave me alone. It gets really old and just feels invasive after a while.
Because of my experiences I wouldn’t dream of trying to touch a black woman’s hair, especially without asking first. I might be curious because it’s so different than my own, but from what I’ve heard there’s a good chance they deal with that crap just as often as I have, if not more.
I only touch their hair if they don’t have a baby bump to grope, and their breasts aren’t big enough for a good squeeze.
Translate that to:
Why on EARTH would someone touch someone else’s hair without permission. The thought had literally never crossed my mind until I saw this thread (I will admit I’ll play with my daughter’s hair - briefly - to tease her, but she’s family and I sort of have a license).
Anyway, it ranks right up there with touching a pregnant belly without permission. Hell, even with a flat out invitation once I didn’t do it.
And the last time I was in a position of having that done to me (belly-touch) I actually called the person out on it, as being like grabbing someone’s boob, hence the reference above.
Now, as far as the “having sex with” aspect - as a hetero, married female I imagine this is unlikely to be an issue for me :D, but, um, hands go places and the hair is certainly at risk of at least accidental mussing at that point.
This. It’s pretty common for white women to touch each other’s hair if they are friends. Depending on the personal relationship of the two women, it might be fairly ordinary from the perspective of the white woman. Honestly, it never occurred to me that black and white women would be different about this, although I did watch “good hair”, so I guess it should have. I suppose it also doesn’t really matter, because I would ask before touching anyone’s hair. But I’ve touched the hair of lots of my friends.
I have a friend who is an Asian guy with extremely long, heavy, black hair. It is usually longer than his waist, although every so often he lops off about a foot of hair and it’s a bit shorter than that.
People touch it ALL THE TIME. People walk up behind him and start braiding it. That seems weird to me, but I’ve asked him, and he says he doesn’t mind. And I understand why people want to handle his hair, it’s gorgeous and since talking to him about it, I sometime play with it, too.
Yup. My best friend’s six-year-old cousin came to live with her family when we were in school. He was really interested in my hair (waist-length and reddish-blonde).
Not a big deal because a) it was a child, and b) it was not a stranger, but I imagine it would be tedious if everyone wanted to touch you all the time.
I’m white, and I sometimes get people touching/wanting to touch my hair. I don’t find it odd or offensive, because I put a lot of effort into keeping my hair long, auburn, perfectly straight and shiny. (Well, I sometimes fall down on the “perfectly straight” objective.) Although people touching my hair is not the goal, I don’t try to deflect attention either.
But it’s also a matter of who wants to touch it, and why. When it does happen, it’s children, the elderly, and once a foreigner. IOW, people who find it to be a novelty. A white person over 18 and under 60 wanting to touch a black person’s hair? Just seems disrespectful to me, like “OMG, I’ve never seen one of You People in the wild!” It’s too likely to be taken that way, and honestly, I’m hard pressed to see how it could not be meant that way.
Furthermore, touching anyone’s hair is anathema to me, and I’ll tell you why. I’m old enough to remember the ‘80s, when everyone, black/white/other, used tons of some kind of product. It may have looked good, for certain values of good, but I’ll never forget the way the girls’ locker room and girls’ bathrooms smelled when everyone was in there shellacking their hair at the same time. I once accidentally touched a white girl’s hair (I’d lost my balance and was trying to catch myself) and I’m telling you, it crinkled. And I used mousse, so I’m not innocent in this. Anyone who’d touched my hair then would have gotten awfully sticky fingers.
Anyway, hair being a pleasant thing to touch is kind of a new concept to me. I also can’t believe it’s socially acceptable, in the context of the OP. And perhaps it’s not, and shouldn’t be.
I’m a white guy but in high school I had really long hair down to my shoulders, there was a black girl in one of my classes that would always touch it and run her hands through it and tell me how nice it was but I didn’t mind at all. I guess that’s like the polar opposite situation of the OP though.
When I was shaving my head, I kept it glassy smooth. I had people wanting to rub my head all the time. That was one of the reasons I grew my hair back.
I’ve also asked black women with whom I had a good enough rapport to touch their hair. Black hair just feels different from white hair; what’s the big whoop? The point is I knew them well enough and believe me, if they had any objections they would have told me.