Cliffy, reading comprehension is an important skill - if they both want a big ring - housepayment be damned, you are right. If he thinks that the money is better spent on a downpayment on a house, and she thinks the money is better spent on a sparkly rock - it is a sign that their financial priorities are not in the same place.
Jeez. All I said was that she wants a diamond ring. I didn’t say it had to be big. Nor did I say it had to be honking.
I do think it a bit silly to spend a good deal of money, but that doesn’t mean I’m prepared to flush the idea of getting a diamond engagement ring down the toilet so I can fight the powers that be in South Africa. I didn’t want to paint the picture that she’s insisting on a huge ring and I don’t want to give it to her.
The issue is not whether her financial priorities are right or wrong. The issue is that THespos and her might be going into a marriage with vastly different ideas about money. If you as a couple don’t have fundamentally compatible (and sustainable given your income and living expenses) ideas about money, you’re going to have problems over that in your relationship.
An example: I think it is sufficient to go over the credit card and bank statements each month, looking for obviously mistaken or fraudulent charges. I don’t feel the need to balance my checkbook or save receipts. I live far enough beneath my means that I keep a reasonable balance, so this is a feasible approach to money for me. Fortunately, Mr. Neville is the same way, so we get along fine. But if either of us had wanted to marry someone who gets upset when the checkbook is off balance by 10 cents, we would have had to discuss how we were going to handle that issue. The important thing wouldn’t be who was “right” or “wrong” in their approach to money, but what compromises each partner would make to avoid driving the other one crazy over money.
The best time for such discussions is before marriage, so that you can break it off if you really can’t find a way to compromise with your partner on an important issue like that. Wanting kids or not is another big issue of that sort. As is proven in divorce courts (and Pit threads) every single day, love is not enough to make a marriage work well if the two of you are incompatible on important issues and unable to find some solution that will work for both of you.
THespos, I absolutely think you should shop together for a ring. You can, of course, give it to her later in a romantic setting, but this way you’ll at least know that she’ll like the ring. Get a diamond if you want, but focus more on finding something beautiful that your GF will love than something of a certain minimum value.
Sorry, I’d assumed that if you were looking at the “two months salary” range, either your or her expectations were “a significant ring.” And I’m giving general advice, not necessarily specific, since I don’t know you or your girlfriend.
This is one of the few times in my life where being married twice comes in handy.
Don’t get a ring without her. In fact, involve her intimately in the choice of the stone and setting – and by intimately I mean making sure she knows the cost of the whole shebang.
Both my wives – bless their hearts – went for a smaller but higher-grade stone and an unusual setting. The result cost less and got more compliments for each of them than anything I would have come up with for 3X the cost.
THespos, congratulations.
I would like to add a plug for Canadian diamonds here. No blood involved.
If anyone can tell you that a diamond in a store is a Canadian diamond or a US diamond, or any such, they’d be lying. That diamond they’re showing you might be from South Africa, mined in 1902, sold in 1905, resold to a dealer in 1955, recut, resold in 1957, traded in in 1985, resold, remounted, etc. etc. You get the idea.
just a few tips:
- do not buy a diamond in a dimly lit jewelry store
- look at a bunch of stones before deciding on one. the difference between a good stone and a poor stone will become obvious.
- ask to look at the stone under a gemscope. if the jeweler refuses, shop elsewhere
- a smaller stone of better quality is much nicer looking than a larger stone that is junk.
- get a guarantee. lots of jewelry stores will sell you a n extended warranty for a few bucks. it can definitly be worth it.
last weekend, i saw a 2.07 carat round priced at 5k. it was junk. it looked like a piece of a broken coke bottle that had been polished. at another store, i saw a 1.0 carat round for about the same money. it was real nice.
take her with you, and shop around.
lh
A gross propaganda ploy designed to net the Teeming Millions. Ignore it.
Yep. Come the revolution – hell, come the arrival of a modicum of common sense among the public – these guys will be out on the sidewalk beating a drum for pennies.
Except that all diamonds out of at least one company (Sirius) are marked on the shoulder, thus guaranteeing the origin to be in Canada’s North.
Add me to the list of people who say this is a decision you should make together. I would be horrified and ashamed if someone bought me a diamond ring, and would take that as a sign that they didn’t know me at all. It’s different in your case because she says she wants a diamond, but still, this is a decision you should be making together, especially since it is a very large monetary investment and something she’ll wear every day for the rest of her life.
There are “cruelty-free” diamonds out there; they are more expensive but if you want your conscience to sit right you might want to look into them. samclem is right in that so-called “Canadian” diamonds are usually not. Check out www.responsiblejewellery.com for information about CF diamonds; I can’t vouch for it myself since I only found it on a search but there are resources out there if you want to be an ethical consumer.
Diamonds from Australia are sold directly from the mine there. They didn’t want to go through DeBeers and developed an alternative system. I don’t think they use the laser trademark, though.
**samclem **is right, though, in saying the clerk has no idea where his stones came from. If it matters to a buyer, they can patronize a store owned by someone who buys and/or cuts the stones and he can get one with the relevant paperwork to show origin.
It’s also possible to order the stone you want directly from the mine and bypass the jeweler entirely. I don’t recommend this to first-time buyers, though. 
I’m sorry that I have to disagree. It IS possible to find out where SOME diamonds come from. Having lived in Yellowknife during the diamond rush, I know that you can purchase a diamond which was mined in Canada’s North and polished in Yellowknife, where it would be marked for authenticity. There are no wars being funded by diamonds in the Northwest Territories and Nunavut.
Happy recipient of a $600 ring here. It’s not the amount you make, it’s what you can afford and what seems reasonable to you. If you can only afford a smaller ring, go with that. If you really want to be in the big-leagues, you can do that down the road – an anniversary upgrade gift.
Can’t give you any advice on stone quality, but I always hear that word of mouth is the way to find a reputable jeweler. Ask people in your life who’ve got some experience purchasing multiple pieces. They will probably know someone who treated them well.
Good luck!
Never married, won’t weigh in on the should-he-or-shouldn’t-he question.
However, I bought a girlfriend a ring once and it fit perfectly. How did I do it? I was idly commenting about her tiny, cute hands and how small they were compared to mine. I tried on one of her rings on my pinky finger and noted it only fit to the second knuckle.
When I bought the ring, I bought one to fit down to the second knuckle on my pinky finger, and viola.* Perfect fit.
If you’re intending to do the thing together, that sort of takes the surprise away. Maybe you can get something inexpensive in the right-shaped box that you can spring on her, though, with a note inside: “when do you want to go shopping with me for the real thing?”
- Actually, she played the cello.
My husband-to-be knew that jewelry was important to me. That doesn’t mean it has to be expensive, or I need a lot of it, I just like each piece I have to be special. A fun night on the town, the silver earings I got in Mexico are perfect. A job interview, wearing the tiny pearl earrings from my dad give me confidence. Going to the track, lucky charm bracelet.
So he knew I would have something in mind when it came to the ring I would wear everyday for the rest of my life. I didn’t care about the size, color, etc, but I did know what shape of stone and what setting I liked.
So when the time came, he asked around and got a recommendation of a reputable jeweler. He went in and talked to a clerk. He told her I would be coming in and for her to find out about the stone shape and setting. Then he would come in and pick the actual stones. That way I wouldn’t really see the actual ring until he gave it to me, but I would be assured of having what I liked.
I liked that because of his involvement, I felt like the ring was something he was a part of also. He liked the look on my face when I did see it. It was just perfect.
And now with our group of unmarried friends, we are usually the first ones to know who will be getting engaged. Several of my husbands friends have asked us what jewelry store we went to, and who to ask for because they wanted to do the same thing.
So just another idea on how to make sure what she gets is her preference, and still be able to have a surprise when she sees it for the first time when you slip it on her finger.
Hey, don’t worry. No matter what you do, you’re gonna be wrong. Husbands usually are. For the rest of your life. Live with it.
Try to find someone who knows someone, that way you might find a more honest guy. He might tell you “That big one is good for a size queen, but this small one is better quality.” That Ford is not as good as that Benz. (though last I recall you were a Vette man, right?)
Anyway, Tom, good luck and congratulations.
Congratulations!
Before shopping together, I recommend doing a little research. GIA is a great place to start. Personally, I think all the industry stuff is interesting, but the “How to Buy a Diamond” thing may be all you need.
It’s a good idea to learn about the Four Cs before you step into a store. Some sales people will try to make you feel like you should want the most expensive diamond in the store, even if it’s not really what either of you wants. If you can, learn what matters to you most; few people can afford the D-grade clarity, Flawless, perfectly cut, two-carat monster. Once you know what matters to you, make sure you don’t get sold a bill of goods along with your diamond.
Really look at the color; many jewelers will tell you a diamond is “blue-white,” which is not nearly as common as faintly yellow. The yellow comes from nitrogen, so it’s not like there’s anything unclean about it. Although the colors are pretty subtle, it’s ideal to set yellowish diamonds in yellow gold and bluer/grayer ones in white gold or platinum.
If size is what matters, you’ll get a better deal per carat if you stay away from the “magic sizes” that break into quarter-carats.
Most people can’t see inclusions (please don’t call them “flaws” or “imperfections,” many of them are neat things like embedded garnets) diamonds down to VS-2 level without a loupe. SI might be okay as well. I don’t recommend diamonds rated I1, I2, or I3; they may not be as stable in structure as other diamonds.
Personally, I like a good cut with nice scintillation, but I’m told that it’s mostly science nerds and engineers who care. Even if you’re not a science nerd, it’s useful to know that large diamonds–especially those two-carat monsters–can look very flashy and tacky in a round brilliant cut. That size is better suited to oval brilliants.
One thing that I think couples forget is that it isn’t just a nice rock; it’s a piece of jewelry she’ll wear every day for the rest of her life. It’s best to get a diamond that’s a becoming size for her hand, and a setting that’s pretty against her skin.
I have a new engagement ring due to an I-rated stone in my original ring. A chip cleaved right off when I whacked my hand or something, we still don’t know.