I’m sorry if this has been covered in any of the “Ask a Gay ___” threads.
I’m curious about gay and lesbian thoughts and opinions on the biological nature of reproduction.
First, the lesbians:
The concept of a “biological clock” is pretty common. Do lesbians experience this? Do the stereotypically “butch” lesbians experience this? Would a lesbian in a committed relationship feel the need to be the biological mother or would being the non-biological mother be just as fulfilling? How do lesbians with issues with men or masculinity reconcile the essential role of men in the reproductive process?
Assuming the sperm donor route is the only option, do you go to an anonymous donor or ask a man you know? What male characteristics would lesbians look for in a sperm donor?
Guys:
I’m 38 years old, with no kids. Seeing friends with children has started me wanting children of my own. Do gay men get this feeling? Do the stereotypically effeminate men experience this? Would a gay man in a committed relationship feel the need to be the father? I ask this because I would like any child I raise to be my own blood (assuming my bidness is in full functioning order).
Is adoption the only option for gay men who want children? Would a gay man “use” a woman the way a woman might use a mans sperm?
Guys and Girls:
Do you assume traditional household roles when you have children? Does one person become primarily the nurturer and the other the provider?
Also, is the term “breeder” used frequently? Has it ever been meant as a pejorative? Or is it a term used merely to describe people who “play on a different team”?
I can’t tell you much about the urge-for-children parts because I have the parental instinct of a cinder block; all I can really say is it’s different for everyone.
As for methods, all the methods you mention are used by different couples according to their circumstances and to what is legally open to them where they reside. I would guesstimate that the most common source of children being raised in gay couples are when a male/female couple has children and then one of the spouses comes out, they divorce, and the children end up with the gay one and their same-sex partner.
Theoretically it’s an insult on a par with “faggot,” but I don’t think I’ve ever heard it used in earnest, except (IIRC) once or twice on these boards. As far as I can tell, it’s nearly always used facetiously (“queers and breeders need to stick together”, or two friends greeting each other “hey fag,” “hey breeder” if they have that kind of a relationship – that kind of thing).
You’re right. But I was interested in a perspective on the issue that isn’t readily available to me. You never know when someone is going to say something you hadn’t considered before.
I am also 38 (though not for much longer), am a gay man in a committed relationship (12.25 years), and my partner and I have talked on and off again about having children. We haven’t yet, so I can only speculate on some of the questions you raise.
Yes, many gay men get very paternal. I certainly do. And at 38, I wonder often if I’m too old to start a family. My partner is not as interested, so it’s not a big deal for him if we never have kids, and he has at times in the past indicated the he wasn’t keen on the idea (though I think I’ve made progress convincing him otherwise). Some friends of ours, a couple who are in their mid-40’s, recently adopted a baby, and dang if that didn’t just set off all of the paternal time clocks for me all over again. Time will tell if we actually do become parents; at this time we both feel we have a bit more growing up to do before we can accept that responsibility.
Adoption is by far the most common option for gay men, though several gay couple have had children through surrogates. At one time, my partner strongly felt that any child we raised should be the natural child of one of us, but I don’t see him jumping up and volunteering to get some girl pregnant. For me, I would rather adopt a child (or two) and give them a loving home that they otherwise wouldn’t get. No need having a child of my own blood if there are so many needy children just waiting for loving parents.
Major speculation here, but I think each parent in a gay relationship gravitates to their own strengths, and very few of us would follow the “traditional” roles to the letter. We are individual people, and don’t look towards heterosexual relationships for cues to base our lives on. Neither of us is the “woman” in our relationship, and I don’t expect that to change just because of us becoming parents. While I may kill the nasty spiders, he takes care of disposing of the rodents and snakes.
Yes, the term is occasionally used by tactless gay people as a pejorative. Those among the gay community who have kids don’t tend to use the term at all from my observation. When used in casual conversation it generally simply means “the opposite of queer”, but it’s usage seems to be on the decline as the gay community matures.
hijack jkusters- 38 isn’t too old to start a family.
It happens to be the age my dad was when I was born, and I’m the eldest of 3. Never felt my dad was too old…mostly because he looks and acts about 10 years younger than he is. hijack over
Sorry: I wasn’t replying to your question so much as the way you phrased it. Sometimes I get tired of hearing “do gay people ever x,” “do men/women ever x,” etc. – as though any group of individuals automatically thinks and acts the same. Last night was one of those times. But I could tell that your question was sincere, so I tried to just poke at your wording. Hope I didn’t come across harsher than intended.
Ah, grasshopper, but they don’t decide at the same time: some decide at 10pm, others wait until midnight, and the rest don’t decide until last call.
Just to repeat irishgirl’s encouragement: 38 is not too old! My best friend and his wife adopted a baby – a newborn – when he was 43 and she was 42: four years later, they’re all doing just fine.
It gave me a little encouragement, as well: I’m 33 (and straight and female), but terrifically ambivalent about the idea of ever having kids. A huge part of the answer to that question will be defined by who I wind up “settling down” with, and how he feels about the kid thing, but even if I meet Mr. Right tomorrow and we fall in love and decide to have lovely babies together, I’m not going to be ready any time soon (I’ll need time for the relationship to mature, time for me to mature, etc.). So, not counting “accidents,” I’m looking at being close to 40 before any babies are happening. And I already know that if my partner and I decide to be domestic after it’s physically risky for me to be pregnant, I’m completely willing to adopt. So seeing my friends go through it in their early 40s has been kind of nice.
That would be really cool if they were, though.
“We are the Gay. Resistance is soooooo not fabulous!” And then they jab you with their fashionable nanotublules and you become part of the Gay collective yourself.
