In real life (i.e. where we use our mouths to talk rather than our hands, and the people we are talking to are in the same room as us) I am technically known as a quiet person. It is mostly because I don’t speak unless I have something worth speaking about. (and in part might have something to do with the fact that I was extremely shy as a kid. and still a bit shy now) So when I am with people there is usually just comfortable silence, and the occasional mini-conversation. It is almost impossible for me to talk on demand, which is vital for a phonecall!
This makes phonecalls with relatives a problem and something I dread. I can quite easily ring some stranger up to ask some information or to pass on information. But I find it difficult to speak to my dad or my nieces (especially my nieces, as they are children, which limits even further the list of topics of conversation)
I love all 4 (dad, and three nieces, one of which is too young to use the phone). I am especially close to my nieces as I lived with them for the first 4 years of their lives (apart from the youngest) So I am slightly ashamed that I pretent to have gone to the toilet or the shop or something when I know they are on the phone. And I don’t ring my dad anywhere near as often as I should.
(notice I haven’t mentioned my mum. That’s because I live with my mum so phoning her up is not something I have to worry about)
So what do fellow ‘quiet person’ dopers talk about on the phone with relatives?
I would, in part, define myself as a “quiet person”. With some people, I am very outgoing and bubbly, with others I’m very quiet, ie a group of people from work in the pub for instance.
I come from a large family and get on better with some of my brothers and sisters than others - some I have no problem chatting to about nothing, others its hard to think of what to say. I put it down to the fact I just get on better with some than others…
With those that I don’t speak to often, I do make excuses that I have to go as well… its not nice but it breaks that uncomfortable silence … what do we talk about? Whats going on in our lives - usually mine is so dull nothing is happening… then they say so what about the bf and then I realise I have a ton of things to talk about - but don’t necessarily want to share with them. It isn’t great but I can’t see it changing too much.
Between us all, someone speaks to everyone on a regular basis so eventually everybody is kept up to date (however, there is one brother that is out of the loop but that’s his choice IMO).
I don’t know if there’s a better way and maybe one day I’ll regret it … but its just how it is now.
Don’t even know if that answers your question lol.
Doesn’t matter. It’s interesting to hear other people’s experience of ‘quet person’ syndrome.
A couple of things I should have added to my op but didn’t think of at the time…
When I am with my nieces there is no problem. because they know I don’t say much. They do all the talking (mainly asking me to draw a house or a flower or them, or ‘something’). Same goes for my dad.
When you are with people - 5, 10, 15, or even 60 minutes of silence is absolutely fine. But on the phone, ** 3 seconds** of silence is a nightmare!
I too, was extremely shy as a child. So shy, that I can remember precisely when I answered my first question (in primary 4) in front of the whole class, and it made my day (yes, yes, I know it’s sad). I attributed my shyness to being an only child, and thus not being able to interact freely with other kids around the home.
I don’t think its possible to fully grow out of it, but since year11 (form 5), I began to adopt a ‘nothing to lose’ attitude and slowly started socialising my way to making new friends. My dad also had a bunch of Dale Carnegie books and they helped immensely, too. Sometimes however, I still find that I have trouble ‘talking on demand’, as you put it, ** Lobsang. **
With regards to my close family (parents) and friends, I don’t have any trouble at all, and silences don’t make any of us feel uncomfortable whilst we’re on the phone. But like yourself, I find it quite challenging whilst on the phone with other relatives, partly because some of them only speak Spanish :), and partly because we don’t spend much time together, so that familiarity isn’t there and it’s much harder finding something we have in common in order to jump-start a conversation.
Btw, I too use the “run and hide” technique when a particular relative is on the line, and I’m not proud of it!
Congrats on your first SDMB milestone green_bladder And a [late] welcome to the boards too.
I was so shy that, apparenltly, I was mute until the age of 5. ( only spoke to my mother, father, and brothers)
Chronically shy with panic disorder and social phobia checking in… my answer is, I don’t. I usually have the phones pulled out of the walls at home, and prefer calling people back if they have left a message - it’s the unexpected quality of phonecalls that I don’t like, I need to know who wants what before I can really feel comfortable with a phonecall. I can’t make smalltalk to save my life; this isn’t a problem with family calls as my family are all intensely verbose people, so I’m just expected to listen and grunt in agreement every so often.
i’m kind of in the same boat as you, lobsang…have adapted to the world in the sense that when one needs to talk to get work done, i’m fine. luckily, i’m lively when i’m one on one in person, regardless of who the person is. but in a big group i never know what to say or when to interject.
on the phone, if i’m on with one of my young cousins, i talk about school, pets, skateboarding, that sort of thing. ask what they did for (insert recent festival), or how the (insert school subject) project is going. it doesnt matter in most cases whether they actually are involved in any of this stuff, because it gets them talking…they spend some time putting you right, and when they’ve done that, you ask for more details about what they just told you!
adults are easier. how’s work? how’s your achy (insert body part)? :rolleyes: what’s (insert common friend/relative) doing these days? how was the trip to (insert place)?
standard small-talk questions. it works for me because my shyness helped me evolve a good listening capacity. once i get them going, all i do is “uh-huh”, “really?”, “how could she?!”…and so on. of course, it also helps that i actually enjoy listening to people. meh…
I hate having to use the telephone too, especially if I have to leave a message in voicemail (which seems to disappear into the ether because nobody ever calls me back). I prefer email or face-to-face, nothing in between.
Oh I should add that, in work, I’d rather email or leave a message on voicemail rather than talk to anyone… email would be a preference. I find it more difficult to talk on the phone in work (though its part of my job and I hide my dislike of it well).
Thankfully, due to the miracle of technology, I avoid speaking on the phone for non-vital reasons altogether. I’ve convinced most of my relatives to sign up for internet service of some kind, and rather than a chatty phone call we exchance e-mails or IM each other.
The only time I am able to talk on the phone is when there is vital information to be conveyed (business) or in an emergency. I was never the type to spend hours on the phone with boyfriends (My parents are ever grateful for that!).
My husband and I have a habit of never answering the phone at home. We get maybe 3-4 calls a day, almost all of which are telemarketing. About 3 calls a month are actually for us, and they’re usually my mother-in-law. Lord only knows why either of us bothered to get a cell phone.
I’m a shy person and therefore a “quiet person.” I don’t have a problem talking to family and friends on the phone, but other situations make me uncomfortable. I don’t like to call people I don’t know (such as a prospective date listed in the personals or through another friend) and try to make a good impression on her over the phone as I would rather do this in person. If I am calling a business and I have an easy question or request this is esay enough, but if it’s something I will need to explain in detail to the other person so that he/she will understand what I am talking about I often have to rehearse what I am going to say so that I don’t sound like a clueless idiot to the other person (I worked in retail for several years and this was my impression of many callers).
As for answering machines and voice mail, this is even harder for me since what I say and how I say it is recorded and could coceivably be kept for all eternity. People living on this earth several generations later could hear my umms, awws and nervous stammering if such a message were to be preserved. This is what I like about systems which allow you to preview your message and re-record it if desired. I also tend to mistrust people in that they won’t return my calls as some people don’t.
The one group I have no qualms about how I sound to them is telemarketers. With them I’ll unleash my full wrath and fury and let them know what I think of them calling me to sell me a product or service I don’t need or want, and then hang up.
I never call people unless I have something to tell them. When people call me, I check the ID and if it’s a telemarketer I don’t answer it. If it’s a friend or relative, I will answer but the conversation usually doesn’t last long.
I find it interesting that in the quiet people threads, the quiet people write long posts.
I don’t like the phone either. I think it’s that talking on demand thing. I don’t know about the rest of you quiet people, but I don’t always think in words. It sometimes takes a little while for me to formulate how to say something.
That and I don’t understand the point of small talk. I have honestly never cared that your great aunt Helga just broke her hip, or that you’ve gone on a diet, or whatever new development happened on survivor.
I’m not really a “quiet” person, but I’m extremely phone-phobic. I never answer it if I can help it.
Talking to my family is ok. I can usually handle it for a bit before I have to go. Same with friends. In person I’m a lot different. Perhaps I react better with visual cues.
If I have to make a call to a bank or medical etc, I usually have to psyche myself up for a few hours or a day then force myself.
I’m rather quiet, this is more from situation than from choice. When i call a hearing person I use the TTY & relay & the relay operator does the talking for me, so I never utter a sound…
I despise the telephone. I prefer the body language and eye contact of real life, or (even better) the ability to compose and edit my thoughts in writing. When I am master of the universe, the telephone will be done away with and replaced by e-mail.
I never answer th phone unless I’m expecting a call, and even then my end of the conversation consists mainly of “uh-huh,” “oh, sure,” “hmm,” “uh-huh,” “uh-huh,” “huh,” “yeah,” “okay,” etc. etc. If I have to (god forbid) actually make a phone call myself, I will write out beforehand a list of topics to cover, or even make a script for myself, complete with flowcharted responses to the different things the person I’m calling might say. I’m lame that way.
I hate the telephone…partly due to my shyness, and partly due to my hearing impaired-ness. Cellphones are OK when talking to family; they know how weird I am on the phone. Definitely not other people, though.
I don’t know where I’d be without e-mail, where I can take as long as I want to formulate thoughts and get my ideas together. On the phone, people wonder about you if you’re quiet for more than 2 seconds.
I prefer it if I get an answering machine or if someone else gets mine. The person isn’t actually on the other end (unless they’re screening) so it’s not like you’re talking to them right there.
I’d use a TTY if I had one but the one I do have is ancient (got it in '90 through the free-TTY service Arizona has, I think; I was only 4 at the time). The school has one but hearing people tend not to like the relay service. They say “Tell her that…” rather than actually talking to me through the relay person.
Personally I am OK in one-on-one or family situations. I’m positively outgoing then. But in groups larger than 5 people, groups of people I don’t know, or the telephone, I clam up.
I often find myself using the reply ‘uh-huh’, as many previous posters mentioned. It absolutely has to be one of the best responses there is. You can sound like you’re listening when you’re actually off in another world.
Not really a phone person here either, except with people I actually like to talk to. Have a friend who has a habit of rambling on and on about the computer game she plays - Ugh. Tend to push the ‘ignore’ option on my cell phone when most people call. Then again, I think I’m slightly antisocial as it is.
This reminds me of the film Last Action Hero. Arnie’s mother (or wife, can’t remember) calls. He puts the headset onto a tape recorder, presses play, and walks away to do something else. The tape plays…
