I tutor a teenaged girl with special needs in her home a couple of times a week after school. (Well, I did. We’re done now, unless they decide to hire me over the summer.) Her older sister is celebrating her quinceanera - actually her Sweet Sixteen, though I think I’ve heard the family use both terms. Anyway, yesterday while I was tutoring her, the older sister hands me an invitation and says, “Sorry about the short notice.” ETA: Forgot to mention, the party is tomorrow!
Normally, I’d take this as just a pro forma courtesy, not a real invitation, but the girl I was tutoring asked if I would come and when I said something noncommittal told me to come even if I can’t make it on time, at which point the father chimed in, “No, you want to come early, so you can find a table,” which makes it sound like he’s expecting me to actually show up.
I like this family, but I’ve never socialized with them before. The parents’ English is quite good, but they speak Spanish predominantly, which I don’t know at all.
I really don’t know what to expect. I know this is a HUGE deal for them. They’ve been planning it for at least six months, maybe a year. Hundreds of people are expected. I had a second cousin get bar mitzvahed with a huge party, but this sort of big celebration is completely foreign to my side of the family. I don’t know if it would be rude to turn down the invitation, or if I should send a gift. I don’t know if I should bring a date (nor do I know who I could ask - and I’m worried about sitting awkwardly by myself while everyone else chats in Spanish) or if I should show up alone. (The invitation was just for me, but it wasn’t personalized at all apart from the envelope, which just had my first name on it.)
The card invitation says “Dinner 4pm - 6pm; Dance 7pm - 12pm.” I don’t dance, but maybe that’s just for the kids? I’d feel weird showing up just for dinner especially by myself. Mostly, I don’t want to be rude. What is the expected protocol in Mexican-American culture?
I can’t imagine you’d go too far wrong if you simply showed up and acted like you would at any big party - be polite, chat with those you can, congratulate the young lady, thank your hosts. Embrace the opportunity to learn about your neighbors - surely they won’t expect you to know all the finer points of Latino culture.
Are they doing it late? A Quinceanera happens when girls turn 15, not 16.
Also, yes, it is a huge deal. If you’ve never been to one, it’s like being at a wedding. A co-worker of mine has 3 (Mexican) daughters and they got to choose between a Quinceanera or something else expensive*. Only one chose the Quinceanera (and that Quinceanera was the drunkest I’ve ever been in my entire life).
I would treat it like you’d treat a wedding. Get there when you want, depending on how comfortable you are with them. Do you want to be there for the whole thing or just get there later on? You should probably get her a small gift since you know her and her family.
*I want to say she told them she’d either do the Quinceanera or get them a car, whatever it was, she did say they were very expensive. Do a google image search for Quinceanera and you can see how involved they are. These aren’t backyard picnics.
It’s actually a Sweet Sixteen party. I said I think I heard them call it a quinceanera, but I might have just assumed on my own that that’s what it was. When I saw the preparations being done for the party, if I asked the younger daughter I’m tutoring, “Is it her quinceanera?” I’m sure she’d just say yes rather than correct me.
I haven’t been to a lot of weddings for people I wasn’t close to, and for whom I wanted to be there for the whole thing. Should I skip the dinner and just show up for the dance? The father said to come early to get a seat at the dinner. So what happens if I don’t? Do I end up sitting with the undesirables or do I have to stand? Can I leave early? There was no request for an RSVP and it doesn’t sound like there will be assigned seats. Will I be able to leave early if I don’t click with the guests? I don’t even know if they really expect me to show up. I don’t want to be an invited crasher if they were just being polite.
I would plan on being there for the dinner. You certainly don’t need to stay for the entire 5 hours of the dance portion, but it would be polite to stay for an hour or so if it especially if there is speechifying going on.
A gift is definitely appropriate. Shouldn’t be anything TOO lavish since you’re not an immediate relative or (I presume) wealthy, especially since your main “relationship” is with the sister not the party girl. My daughter went to a quince and I forget what she brought; on another occasion we gave the birthday girl an inexpensive emerald pendant (her birthstone, created emerald) but that was someone we were fairly close to. I imagine gift cards are appropriate as well.
Do dress up - your nicest suit, or at least a jacket and tie.
Note that all of the above is based on my assumption that it is basically substituting for the true quinceanera with a similar level of formality and Big Deal-ness.
Also, do not plan on bringing a date. I couldn’t imagine doing so w/o asking the family, and I doubt they’re expecting it. You can certainly socialize with the student, and with her immediate family, but there’ll be a lot of people there, and you might enjoy meeting new folks. If you’re not the super-sociable sort, it’s actually good to be there for the meal vs. the dancing since you’ll be sitting at a shared table and eating, versus standing in a corner looking uncomfortable.
Two people have said a jacket and tie, and Mama Zappa said “at least” that. Unfortunately, I don’t even own a sports coat. (I thought I did, but I can’t find it in my closet. A cat probably peed on it and it got thrown out. That’s what happens to most of my things eventually!) This is California, where things are a little less formal. I wore a tie but no jacket to my last job intview. Is it really that fancy? I’m definitely not buying a new outfit for the party. Maybe I’ll go to my poker game instead.
BTW, if I do end up going, more advice on gifts might be helpful. I don’t teach high school, so I have no idea what sixteen year old like, much less this particular sixteen year old.
My two cents: if you are close with the family, and want to see the older sister on her special day, I would go. If you would enjoy a new experience, go for it. If it seems overwhelming, I think you are under no obligation for the last minute invite. It’s the older sister, not your student. You know very few people there. I think it’s reasonable to thank them for the invitation, but politely decline.
If you show up at 4:00, don’t be surprised if you’re the only one there for the first hour, and if the food doesn’t get served until 6:45. (That is, if the family is handing the food themselves, which is usually the case.) That’s how they usually happen.
I’ve been to dozens of quinces, and I’ll be quite happy if I’m never (expected) to go one ever again. They’re way too long, the food typically is nothing particularly special, and, really, the only thing that can make all the schmaltz (as well as the bad cumbia and even worse reggaeton) bearable is to imbibe more alcohol than one should normally drink. (I’m assuming we’re talking about a Mexican style quinceanera here.)
If you’re going to this thing just to be polite, (which seems to be the case), and you don’t really know anyone else there, then you might consider just letting them know in advance that you can only be there for the dinner, or the dance, and have some excuse to either leave early or arrive late. Otherwise, be prepared to end up sitting around for endless hours desperately trying to make small talk with Tia Josefina, or whoever is in the next seat, which could end up being interesting, but probably won’t, in my experience. I don’t know–if you have the free time, maybe you’ll like it anyway, since it’s the first one you’re going to.
Does this match other’s experience? Despite the father’s admonition to show up early, I’d rather be a little late and be “forced” into a seat by the hosts than have to choose among tables with people already talking to each other, none of whom I know. But I don’t want to show up in the middle of dinner? What time should I get there?
I’m leaning towards going, despite my lack of appropriate dress, but nt if I’m going to be by myself (or an imposition on the hosts) for the first hour!
Well, there simply isn’t a word for dieciséisañera… well, there is, but it isn’t directly equivalent to quinceañera. Quinceañera as an adjective refers not only to girls who are exacly 15 but also “about 15”, the noun for the party refers to a girl’s big “coming of age” party and doesn’t necessarily take place at 15.
I love the Dope and the range of people who contribute!
I was not even aware of Quinceañera, my daughter had a relatively low-key sweet sixteen party with several other girls, and I learned a lot in this thread.