In a pathology class years ago we were playing pathology Jeopardy. When one of the clues was revealed as “anencephaly”*, I muttered to those near me “that’s a no-brainer”.
No groans or chuckles, but I did get a quick look of disapproval from a fellow student.
mmm
*a birth defect in which all or part of the brain is absent
At the beginning of The Hobbit, one of the most important facts about the main character’s house is that it has a ring in it.
Going around the supermarket with my dad, we passed a lady who was asking for help from a member of staff.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Olive Oil”, she said. My ‘ack ack ack’ impersonation of Popeye didn’t get so much as a glance from anyone.
Slightly cheating, but…
I heard today about a software engineer who fell off a 12 foot ladder while trimming bamboo at home. He broke several bones in his back, among other injuries.
I thought - but did not say - “sounds like he had a hardware problem.” It’s possible some random psychic may have appreciated my thought, but somehow I doubt it.
Wasn’t me, it was my son, who said it. The two of us were on our way to Walmart specifically to get a new garden hose. While we were in the car, my sister called my cell phone and said she was with our older brother, who was disabled, and he needed to go to the emergency room but he didn’t want to, so could I come over and help convince him to go? I said sure, put away my phone and told my son why we couldn’t go to Walmart after all.
Without missing a beat, my son says, “Well, like they say, bros before hose.”
No one has ever laughed when I tell that story. It sounds made up, and if I hadn’t been there I would think it was made up as well.
I went a cousins wedding. My friend called the next day and asked how it was. I told her it was a Mickey Mouse wedding. She answered how sorry she was they didn’t have a nicer wedding. I told he. “No you don’t understand, it was a Mickey Mouse wedding”. After several attempts. I finally made her understand, the wedding was a MIckey Mouse THEMED wedding. She didn’t laugh.
Another,
My granddaughter turned 5 the other day. I told her at the party that now she was a whole handful. I got the silent treatment. I explained it to my granddaughter and she finally got it. Her Mom reported that she’s been saying it to everyone they see. Heh! Another kid who understands me. That’ll show 'em.
In kind of a joke thread about “I have misplaced $4000, does anyone know where it is?” by TokyoBayer, he was making extravagant claims about odd things being delivered to his home as a result, including:
“…we sometimes lose our toddler’s pacifier, and some good Sumerian apparently decided that we needed replacements, and 2,500 of them showed up, prepaid.”
to which I replied “Ur joking.”
…I was not rewarded with a single “I saw what you did there.” Very disappointed.
I have carried my pain in silence for almost seven years, until today.
For many years firework-sales have been banned in Australia, or so I thought. About 20-odd years back, I found out that there are two exceptions to the ban: The Northern Territory, and the Australian Capital Territory (ACT) which is home to Canberra, the centre of our federal parliament and senate. It’s politician-central up there.
Apart from being indignant that some were able to enjoy setting off fireworks whilst the rest of us were deprived, my quip…
“Why Canberra? I’d never trust a pollie with a cracker!”
:: crickets ::
Someone was talking about a Korean restaurant. I said to remember it’s OK to order lassi in an Indian restaurant but never do it in a Korean one. Crickets.
My brother, with whom I share a house, works for a big DIY-materials store. The other day, he set off for work; but promptly popped back in to collect his store name-badge, which he’d left behind. As he said, “they don’t like you coming in to work without your badge.” My rejoinder, in an attempted American accent, was “You need stinkin’ badges”.
He made no response of any kind. I see various possible reasons for that:
(1) He’s not familiar with films starring Humphrey Bogart
(2) He was preoccupied, and in a hurry to get to work
(3) He usually finds my attempts at wit and humour, feeble and un-amusing (I reckon this is probably the likeliest answer).
A woman whose blog I frequented talked about how her brother had splashed her with a water pistol. Later, she went to get her revenge by arming herself with a water pistol, barging into his room and spraying. She didn’t know he was in the middle of being serviced by a woman who promptly left.
I replied: “I guess that poor girl was bound to get fluids on her face and hair one way or another that evening.”
She replied with a gif of a woman kicking a man in the groin.
This one is cheating a little since it *was *appreciated (plus I sorta set up the punch line):
I was at a minor league hockey game with a group of family and friends. We were seated behind the goaltender; the name on the back of his jersey was “Yost”.
I wondered aloud if his dad and grandpa were in attendance. Everyone looked at me puzzled. I said, “…because then we’d have the father, the son, and the goalie Yost”.
mmm
In high school, I once sat next to a guy who frequently wore his FFA jacket. One day, he was talking to another guy, explaining all of the symbolism in the FFA logo: the plow for agriculture; the owl for wisdom; etc.
Him: “And in the background is the rising sun. Do you know what that stands for?”
Me: “Made in Japan?”
He understood the reference, but he was Not Amused.
There was a Calvin and Hobbes strip that had Calvin confessing to Hobbes he didn’t have his (the ant’s)work ethic.
Someone pointed out that almost all worker ants were female. I quipped, “Well, unless they float. Then they are a buoyant.”
*crickets
My Mom is 81…and still kicking ass…I guarantee you she would chuckle at this…
tsfr
Someone I used to know had her car die at a traffic light and she could not get it restarted. When the man behind her began honking at her, she calmly got out of her car and walked back and said, “I"ll sit here and honk your horn if you’ll go up and start my car.”
I’ve remembered that little story for 50 years.
I’ve heard that same story told by a stand-up comic. I guess he knew your friend.
mmm
And I heard the same story from my aunt about someone she knew…let’s see, gotta be thirty years ago now that she told it to me.
Perusing s there is a conspiracy of Little Old Ladies with Unreliable Vehicles.
Man walks up to a working girl and says: ‘I sure would like to have a little pussy.’
Working girl replies: ‘I would, too. Mine’s as big as your hat!’