Doctor Jackson quoted:
“It doesn’t always have to be about sex, you know.” - Sigmund Freud
Didn’t he say “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Or is that apocryphal?
After you have folded the guests’ napkins into origami swans, take a short break before they arrive. You deserve it! - Martha Stewart
We’ve been concentrating far too much on nifty new bells and whistles, and not enough on fixing existing software bugs. So, the new Windows Millennium Plus operating system will be exactly the same as the old one, only it will work. - Bill Gates
Look, I don’t give a damn if I never see another cent of campaign funding ever again, I will not cater to the special interests and big corporations because it’s bad for America! - virtually any politician
Israelis aren’t that bad once you get to know them. And the Taliban is completely misguided. - Osama bin-Laden
You know something? Our platforms are very similar. - Al Gore or Bill Bradley
[quote]
“Ok. I confess. I’m really Neuro Trash Girrl.” --Cecil Adams
[quote]
Sealemon, I don’t know whether to be honored or insulted!
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
Eve said:
“I’ll run out and get it after work on Friday!”—CM
If you mean the CM I’m thinking off, try SATURDAY to make it really unlikely 
And yes, Freud did say that, cher3.
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
“Cats are disgusting little furballs and I’d never let one in the house,” Gr8Kat
“Really? I could spend all day with a cat curled up in my lap. I love to kiss their soft little feet,” Nickrz
“Are you kidding? Those things shed on your clothes and puke on the rug. Your household will be much happier if you take it to the pound or throw it outside,” Michelle
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy
Art Bell - “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.”
Adam Sandler - “I’ve always looked to the Algonquin Roundtable for comedic inspiration.”
Marlee Matlin - “Hey, keep the noise down, will ya? I’m trying to read.”
Stone Cold Steve Austin - “Oh, pooh, I broke a nail!”
Michael Eisner - “Kimba…Simba…geez, it’s so freakin’ obvious, people, do I need to draw you a diagram?”
William F. Buckley - “Yeah. I guess. Whatever.”
Charlton Heston - “The second amendment is about well-regulated militias, so let’s just stop all this nonsense about a right to own guns.”
Ad exec at Old Navy - “Do you really think the viewers will like this commercial?”
Steven Segal - “Can we tone down the violence in this picture? And let’s do something with my character - he’s so one-dimensional.”
“You’re right…Ray Rhoades was fired because he was a lousy coach, not because he was black”. - Jesse Jackson
(will I burn in hell for that one?)
MaryAnn
I’m sorry you didn’t win, mom, but I’ll give you a constellation prize! -Greg
My, my, Eve…I always knew you were feminine, I just never realized that you were “feminine.” 
“…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.”
“As long as it’s tasteful.” Larry Flynt
“Ok. Ok. I had sweaty, monkey sex with that woman.” Bill Clinton
“I’d like to thank the members of the Academy…” Jean Claude Van Damme
“God grant me the serenity…” Tommy Chong
Martha Stewart: oh, screw it, nuke some Lean Cuisines and toss 'em on a paper plate.
Diane: I took those Cosmo quizzes and realized I needed assertiveness training.
Crick&Watson: I’m Scotch.
Coldfire: Okay, so my therapy group says I have to come clean; I’m a 65 year old, timid, teetotaler Belgian widow.
Rush Limbaugh: actually I’m the Jane Fonda of the Right only uglier.
Dan Rather: I’ve been dead for years, but thanks to excellent taxidermy and ventriloquists, I’m still on the air.
Cecil Adams: We’re making real progress on the ignorance thing.
Veb
“Merry Christmas!” – David B.
anything short. Me.
Sue from El Paso
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
“At first I just wanted to see if it could be done. Then it was all about the money. Wasn’t that obvious?” - L. Ron Hubbard
Saw this up the list… the conspiracy buffs would claim he did say this.
Jai Pey
Sue said:
Is this what they refer to as a self-actuating paradox?
“I will not smoke that cigar, I do not know where it has been.” - Bill Clinton.
“I really do like ice dancing.” - any guy
“No I do not want a big screen TV.” - any guy
“Skip the foreplay, let’s get straight to the sex.” - any woman
Jeffery
That last one is not entirely accurate, Jeffrey. My girlfriend has been known to use that
(OK, not often, but it does happen…)
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
“This year the NFL won’t sell advertising for the Super Bowl. We just want to concentrate on football.” - Paul Tagliabue
“Understatement works for me.” - Dick Vitale
“We’ve got enough pitching.” -any baseball manager.
Strtrk777,Hey I’ve quoted that before.
:::snort!:::
“No thanks, I couldn’t smoke another bowl.” -ST
StoryTyler
“Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”
I Spy Ty.
I think I’ll keep this random attempt at a joke that is only marginally related to the OP to myself. - Me.
My sig line is currently unavailable. Please check this post in 1 hour when we resume our broadcast day.
Demo - Yer going to hell for that one.
“Wait…I really shouldn’t drink or do drugs…they’re bad for me!” - Democritus
“I really hate women with large breasts.” - Omni
“Satan? He ain’t that cute.” - half the women of the SDMB.
“You are sweet, kind, and considerate… Like a grown up boy scout with tits!” - Brian, aka SDMB’s one and only Satan.