OK, since half of my first attempts were picked over for accuracy, try these:
“Come over to my place anytime, Opal!” - Ed Zotti
“Monogamy is the true path to happiness.” - Wilt Chamberlain
“I’ll spank you, you spank me, it’s fun when done erotically” - Barney
“Not only is it low in fat and high in protein, but dolphin just tastes great. Especially with a side of Spotted Owl.” - Greenpeace
Coldfire wrote:
Actually, after work on Friday would work fine, so long as CM doesn’t get out of work until after sunset. The Sabbath starts Friday at sunset and ends Saturday at sunset, y’know.
And speaking of quotes we’ll never hear, MAD Magazine published several such non-quotes two decades ago, including the following:
“You wanna fool around?” – Marie Osmond.
“But we can’t do that! It’s illegal!” – Richard M. Nixon.
“If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s commercialism!” – Charles Schultz.
“I can’t do this script! It’s crap!” – John Ritter.
“I can’t publish this magazine! It’s crap!” – William M. Gaines, publisher of MAD.
The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.
“Yes, ma’am.”–Bart Simpson
“Part of this scene is really gory, so we’re only going to show the worst part once.”–John Daly, host of Real TV
“Hell, don’t ask me!!”–Wilson Wilson, on Home Improvement
“I wouldn’t think of it, Archie. You made a date with Betty, not with me.”–Veronica
“D-uh, no, Reggie, you were just over here on this side of the street. That doesn’t mean you were tryin’ to hit on Midge.”–Moose
“I smell a rat, guys. These spooks must be burlgars [or con men/extortionists/shady politicians] in disguise!”–Shaggy, from Scooby Doo
“Johnny, will you marry me?”–Dixie McCall, on Emergency!
“I wouldn’t touch this sleazy deal with a ten-foot pole!”–J. R. Ewing
“I swear to uphold the Constitution.”–Jesse Helms/Kenneth Starr/Newt Gingrich
“Get real! That’s cheap science-fiction trickery!”–Scully or Mulder
“You know what would go great with these Oreos? A big ol’ glass of milk.” -OpalCat
::runs away::
“I made my point with my original statement. I should back off before I cause more problems.” —My mom
“I have a job.” —My nephew
“My son is old enough to be responsible. I insist that he either get a job or get out.” —My sister
“I won’t harass Sandy about her driving. Barking at her is what causes her to take wrong turns, so I’ll admit the possibility that she knows where she’s going.” —Mr. Rilch
Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green
“Hm, she doesn’t seem interested. I guess I’ll go home now.” --Pepe LaPew
“People keep telling me that my novels are the most intelligent pieces of writing they’ve ever been exposed to!” --Piers Anthony
“Meowth! That’s right!” --Pikachu
“I’ll need a gun.” --Tarzan of The Apes
“Put your money away; I’ll cover the bill for all of us.” --Jack Benny
“I just told you, loud and clear!” --Harpo Marx
“‘Charlie’s sister?’ Hey, that’s clever! You know, no one’s ever called me that before! I like it!” --Candice Bergen
Mayor of Snerdville, the home of Mortimer Snerd
“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight
“Wait a minute, you mean we made a profit?” Jeff@Amazon.com
“Dude, I am like so totally…sober!”
“Strippers are just uneducated skanky women with no self esteem” - me
“Math is hard!” - UndeadDude
“Man, what does “LASER” stand for again?” - Stephmon
“I live to celebrate my Greek heritage” - Kiltgrrrrl
“Get that crap off my skin! I like my skin to be an untouched canvas” - Suzeanne
“Better safe than sorry, let’s just blast them rather than sending an away team to that seemingly adrift ship that is broadcasting a distress beacon” - Picard
–
Teeming Millions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions
“Meat flaps, yellow!” - DrainBead, naked co-ed Twister chat
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com
I already knew that. – Me after reading Cecil’s column.
Well, either you’re closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the power of the presence of a pool table in your community. Ya’ got trouble my friends! -
Prof. Harold Hill
Gary Conservatory
Gold Medal Class
'05
“I’ve forgotten something important. Should I take gingko balboa, or see a hypnotist?”
Sue from El Paso
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Things you don’t overhear in a bar in Jackson, Alabama
“Jeez, what passes for nouvelle cuisine these days is a farce!”
“Group hug!”
“I’ll bet you my BMW’s more fuel efficient than your Volvo.”
“Okay, you can borrow my boa, Vern, but I get to be Frank-n-Furter next week.”
“O’Doul’s for me. I’m going to the county fair later and I want to keep my head together.”
“Give me Moliere’s The Imaginary Invalid over a big set of jugs anyday.”
“I don’t really like Charlie Daniels’ music, but, Christ, what an ass!”
“When it comes to motorcycles and beer, nobody, and I mean nobody, beats those Japs.”
“Jeb, why don’t you entertain us with one of your Judy Garland numbers until the sushi gets here?”
“Hey everbody, let’s tickle Tito!”
“My boy, Ed Jr., wants to be a cross-dresser, so I’m gonna introduce him to some designers, take him to the nightclubs, you know, show him the ropes.”
“Why can’t I find me a woman like Yoko Ono?”
Dudes! Turn off the Super Bowl and fire up that VCR! I’ve got a tape of Michael Flatley’s “Lord of the Dance!”
“In much wisdom is much grief; and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.” - Ecclesiastes 1:18
My husband, UndeadDude, says he would rather watch Lord of the Dance.
–
Teeming Millions: http://fathom.org/teemingmillions
“Meat flaps, yellow!” - DrainBead, naked co-ed Twister chat
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com
My guy would too… another reason he is my soulmate. That and the fact he has a butt like Michael Flattery!
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!
Cut your hair?! Whatever for? -me
Our Father, who art in heaven… -PLDennison
Extra Pepperoni on my pizza, please -OpalCat
My, what a lovely lace doily! -Arnold Schwartzenegger
And last but not least…
“I, George Bush JR, do solemnly swear that I will support the constitution of the United States…etc.”
MaryAnn
I’m sorry you didn’t win, mom, but I’ll give you a constellation prize! -Greg
“When is Hanson going to come out with a new album??” me
“Why you little…” Gandhi
“We have decided to lower tuition this year!!” The administration at my university
“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.”
-H.P. Lovecraft, “The Call of Cthulhu”
“All spiritual belief systems are equally valid. Besides, religion and government don’t mix.” – the Religious Right
“What am I expressing? I’m not expressing anything. I just want to piss people off and maybe make a few easy bucks.”
– the latest controversial artist
“It’s not always about race.” – Al Sharpton
“What articles? I subscribe to Playboy for the naked chicks. Like, duh.”
– any man to his wife/girlfriend
“I will tell you what the polls tell me you want to hear. It’s all bullshit, anyway. The special interest groups will control my every move.” – any politician
“We should be open to liberal ideas. They have some good points.” – any conservative
“We should be open to conservative ideas. They have some good points.” – any liberal
“Why can’t we all just get along?” – any anarchist
“Thank you so much for bringing those long-dormant heatherlee threads back to the front. It reminds me of a wonderful relationship I was in, with someone who I still consider a good friend in spite of our rather mutual and no-hard-feelings break-up.” - Me.
Yer pal,
Satan
“Sarcasm? From a poster in this thread? No, I’m sure that you must have interpreted that wrongly.” – anyone with enough brains to pour sand out of a boot with instructions written on the heel
It is often said that “anything is possible”. In fact, very few things are possible, and most of them have already happened.
“You want me to dance with you? no thanks” - me
And a list I got via e-mail:
The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Texan Say:
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Texan say is–
…in a state so nonintuitive it can only be called weird…