Quotes we'll never get to hear

“Okay, that two-headed giraffe was a fake.” - Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

“I kicked the football!” - Charlie Brown.

“I’ve had enough to eat.” - Garfield.

“Looks like you were right, Scully. There was nothing weird here at all.” - Fox Mulder.

“I’m going to shut up and let the scene speak for itself.” - John Madden.

“Vote for my opponent. He’s a much better candidate than I.” - any politician.

“Your breasts are too big, and I don’t like implants.” - Owner of a strip club.

“I’m not as funny as I think I am.” - Adam Sandler.

“And the Academy Award for Best Actor goes to… William Shatner!”

“And the Academy Award for Best Actress goes to… Pamela Anderson!”

“Here’s the evidence you’ve all been waiting for…” - Phaedrus

“Evolution is a lie. I believe there is a God.” - Me.


>< DARWIN >
__L___L

“You’ve all done such a great job this year…bonuses for everyone!” -Leona Helmsley

“I don’t know. Something natural looking.” - Donald Trump to his barber

“I just can’t find Mr. Right.” -Julia Roberts

“I’d like to thank the Academy…” - Melanie Griffith

“Could everyone just leave me alone!” - Madonna

“I think this dress is a little too tight.” - Mariah Carey

“Yes, Ms. Krabappel, here’s all my homework–and it’s on time too.”–Bart
“Hey, Bart, that looks like fun! Can I try it?”–Lisa
“I owe it to the employees to act in a fair and honest manner in labor relations.”–C. Montgomery Burns
“Frankly, Mr. Burns, I don’t like the idea.”–Waylon Smithers
“Dammit, Bart, if you don’t quit messing up my magazines, I’m going to kick your ass our of here!!”–Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
“So tell me what you earthlings have achieved lately.”–Kang
“Welcome to Moe’s Tavern. Glad to meet you.”–Moe Szyslak
"¡Hola, señores y niños! Today I will show you the safe way to deal with bees." --Bumblebee Man
“Hey, Mrs. Simpson! Wanna come over and see my etchings?”–Ned Flanders
“Nelson, I’m sick and tired of you! If you don’t leave us alone I’ll knock your teeth in!”–Milhous
“Our cigarettes? Oh, just throw them out, Marge. And tell Homer we said hello.”–Selma and Patty
“Mr. Skinner, leave the wee kiddies alone. So they knocked a board out from the wall! Accidents will happen.”–Groundskeeper Willie

Insert joke here.

I think that was done already–on January 20th in Washington D. C., at the Capitol building, at noon. :wink:

“Well of course I did it for the money you jackasses. . .” - Bill Clinton

“I really don’t give a flying f*ck about New Yorkers. I just like to shop here. . .” - Hillary Clinton

“I’d wish I joined the Army so I could drive a tank. . .” - ChiefScott

“I am so sick of women. Pass me a White Zinfandel, please?” - ChiefScott

Tripler

“Yeah, I like women, I think they’re really the smarter sex.” -Ambrose Beirce

“Beer run!, I’m drivin’!” -Stephen Hawking

“Oh, that’s OK. I don’t need the money” -My ex, about child support.

“Shut-UP you FAT, UGLY SOW!” -Richard Simmons

“You’ll never get me up on one of those. They just scare the hell out of me.” -John Lyons about horses

“Show me your TITS!” - Christopher Lowell

“Yo Yo, Disis Rappuh BS. Don’t fukwit me.
Cuz Ah’m D baddiss MC to evuh put a cap in yo ass. Y’know whut’m sayyyin’?” - William Shakespeare

“The best makeup should look like you aren’t wearing any.” -Mimi Beaubeck, Tammy Faye Bakker, or Boy George