To the blue-haired lady at WalMart. I am deeply sorry that you an a query about the location of a product and that, having directed it to me, I was unable to answer it but, you see, I don’t WORK for WalMart, as anyone with the brains of a melon would know by the fact that I was wearing a tailored suit and not an attractive WalMart vest. Yes, both my suit and a WalMart vest were BLUE, but different shades of blue, and it takes cajonies as brassy as your hair to then get mad at me for not working there or knowing where the Q-Tips are. May your Metamucil keep you in the loo all weekend.
To Fox TV. I see that you are broadcasting this evening a television show aimed at teens entitled “20 Teens Who Will Change The World,” and featuring such earth-shakers as Venus Williams and NSYNC. Tennis stars and bubble-gum popsters will change the world for the better only if they begin to donate 100% of their profits to charity and, in the latter case, take a vow of perpetual silence. How about a show that doesn’t pretend entertainers are in contention for a Nobel Prize, or a show that focuses on future doctors/scientists/engineers/diplomats who actually might change the world? Hyperbole much, you nimrods?
To The Building Security Guard who tried to shake me down for bringing my dog in this weekend. Yes, I know the rule is no dogs in government buildings, and I also know that your life’s dream is to be a police officer, which frankly you will never achieve unless you set down the pizza and pick up the SlimFast, since it’s unlikely the police department will allow you to chase down perps in a golf-cart. I always bring my dog along when working alone off-hours, and though it obviously gravels you to see such a wanton law-breaker as me, we both know that you don’t have the ability to take away my birthday, let alone get me in any trouble with my employer. So bite me twice, and go polish that little plastic badge of yours.
I’m going to go have a beer.