Random thoughts on Saturday's SciFi Channel Movie

Spoilers, if you can actually spoil a Z-grade Sci-Fi Channel movie in some manner:

So I was watching Supergator, Saturday’s SciFi Channel movie, and it was great. The best part was that the monster appeared early in the movie and ate people regularly. A whole lot of people converged on the little idyllic waterfall in Hawaii where it lived and it managed to eat most of them. None of this “let’s save on CGI and stunts by having the monster unseen until the last 15 minutes” stuff, the dinner bill rang early for Supergator and it rang a lot thereafter.

But the real bit of genius for Supergator was that they had a Cassandra. Early on, two swimsuit models are posing for photos at the waterfall and when that happens you have to figure they’ll get et in short order, because that’s what always happens in SciFi Channel monster movies of this sort – early on a hottie appears and goes for a swim or wanders off in the woods to get eaten. I don’t know why that is, but thanks to Supergator, I know why it shouldn’t be.

Because one of the two hotties, the more bodacious of the two, dressed in nothing but a very skimpy thong bikini, does not get eaten. Instead, she sees her friend and the photographer guy get eaten, then she spends much of the first half of the movie running away from the Supergator which WANTS to eat her, trying to find someone to rescue her, but invariably just leading the Supergator to new people to eat. And the first people she meets don’t believe her. They think she’s high, or had a sunstroke, and so march blithely off to the falls, to be eaten scant seconds later.

She really added a lot to the movie. All that T and A action as she jiggle-runs thorugh the woods AND some good humor as people ignore her at their peril.

Now, immediately prior to Supergator on the SciFi Channel we had “King of the Lost World” which had a CGI King Kong that was the WORST CGI creature I’ve ever seen. He was blurry, and yet you could see scenery thorugh his body. He appeared to have been rendered on newsprint with charcoal sticks, in what artists call as “gesture drawing” which is a practice technique that rarely results in good drawings.

The CGI was so bad it immediately had me wondering what excuse they had used when the CGI studio presented it to the moviemakers. Probably something along the lines of, “Yeah, for the kind of money you’re offering, this is what you get. You want a real-looking monster, pay us more money than the kid who mows your lawn.”

During Supergator and King of the Lost World they had promos for next Saturday’s movie, “Atomic Twister.” Evil Captor Jr. took one look at the title and said, “Atomic Twister? It’s like they took two random scary words and jammed them together to come up with their monster.”

I allowed as how he had a point. Evil Captor’s nominee for SciFi Channel’s next monster movie: “Leach Shark Invasion.”

Sounds good to me.

In the right context (i.e if sufficient beer is imbibed) SF-Z movies are a not bad way to spend a Saturday night, as long as you have nothing better to do.

Ah, but “Cassandra” finally did get et!

Darnit, I try not to miss those Sci-Fi Channel monster movies (especially since I’m writing a screenplay about genetically-engineered super-penguins; counts as research). But I’m sure they’ll repeat it.

I wonder if that’s a deliberate retro touch, harkening back to drive-in movies in the 1950s that would stick the word “Atom” or “Atomic” in the title whether it made sense or not. (E.g., Ed Wood’s sensitive love story Bride of the Monster was retitled Bride of the Atom to make it more marketable. Not that it helped.)

(ETA that I may have that backwards.)

Holy crap, you weren’t kidding.

I’m saddened I missed these two cinematic gems. Too bad the Sci Fi channel doesn’t have some sort of email alert service. :slight_smile:

Instead I wasted my weekend watching “Death Bed, The Bed That Eats” with a bunch of (horrified) friends. Heh.

Well, they actually never SHOWED her being eaten, like the other victims. So I thought she and the guy she was with might have escaped. But they never showed up subsequently, so eaten they were, I guess. I think that was a mistake. It would have been a nice bit of irony to have one of the survivors be a hottie in a thong whose major survival technique was running and screaming, when so many heavily armed and scienfitic folks got unceremoniously devoured. She could have been Supergator’s harbinger, kinda like Silver Surfer’s job for Galactus, only with lots more running and screaming.

I caught the last 10 minutes or so.

Jurassic Park it weren’t.

Loved the bright red CGI blood spurts, though.

And that the ass-hat party-director (reprising the mayor from Jaws “we won’t stop the festival 'cuz it’ll cost us money” role) got stomped.

Aren’t most the babes on rent for these T&A fests from Playboy or something?

They need to ad a hokey host. Maybe even a T & A hostess. Someone to make stupid jokes just before and after the commercials. Other than that, it is right up there with my memories of Saturday horror flicks.

Did anyone catch Kaw a few weeks back? Whew, that was a good one. Man-eating crows ravens that decended on an unsuspecting town, a heroic police chief, lots of cheesy gore.

Gotta love the SCiFi Saturday movies.

ETA: Kaw website.

I caught the second half of King of the Lost World. At first I assumed the savage tribe was indigenous so I was disappointed that they looked like frat boys with garish makeup. Eventually it occurred to me that they were plane crash survivors too with a Lord of the Flies fetish. Or descendents of survivors? That’s why one of the savage girls knew English, right? So, who was the eponymous King? Don’t tell me it was that ersatz Kong! I expected someone to say: “It exists in multiple dimensions at once…” or “It’s made of negative quantum particles…” Anything to explain why it looked so unreal.

Supergator was great. It was like they stitched together cutting-room floor clips from a dozen different movies into a sufficiently coherent and generally entertaining creature flick. I think the bodacious “Cassandra” and the bullied nerd were devoured, but it would have made for a better story if they survived.

I’m a big fan of Sci-Fi Saturday creature flicks. Frankenfish stands out as a memorable pleasure.

I usually wait for the Sci-Fi channel giant animal movies to come to DVD. They often include a scene with bare boobies. I like bare boobies.