Tonight was the world premiere of “Mega Python vs Gatoroid”, mentioned in this thread.
This inspired me to catch the SyFy marathon of cheesy monster movies they ran today.
Started with “Supergator”. This flick had Kelly McGillis as a biologist from some company trying to resurrect a prehistoric crocodilian thingy for research, using DNA from a fossil and from a modern alligator. In Hawaii. Only the thing escaped, so she sets out to hunt it down. Meanwhile, some vulcanologists are going on an expedition to study the nearby volcano. And a model is having a photoshoot at the nearby waterfall. And three goobers head out into the boonies to find the “secret ingredient” for their magic hangover cure. And then there’s a luau.
Did I mention that this Supergator doesn’t have the splayed leg body plan of a crocodilian, but rather the typical body plan associated with dinosaurs? So not only does he munch on anyone going swimming or riding around in a small boat, he also sets out on land and runs around for miles chasing down humans. He actually follows them up part of the mountain of the volcano.
The first victim is the annoying photographer for the photo shoot, and you really root for that one. That guy was annoying, and he was only on screen for a total of maybe 2 minutes. But he earned his glorious death.
So besides the gratutious slaughter of various people, including models, scientists, tourists, and one unlucky local fisherman, it’s got a fair amount of cheesy humor, and some typical bad science. The worst on that front has got to be that the animal does not behave like any normal predator. A normal predator hunts and kills in order to eat. This Supergator spends its time killing and chewing up people, but leaving their carcasses around for people to find and instead chasing after the next person nearby.
Oh, and realize that Kelly McGillis is far from her Top Gun days and now looks like a grandmother. The eye candy is fulfilled by other elements including two models, a grad student vulcanologist, and two vacationing college students.
So after that came “Malibu Shark Attack”, where earthquakes off the coast of California apparently unleash prehistoric “goblin sharks” that are somewhat related to great whites, but have a big bony projection off the top of their heads and jaws that protrude forward more.
This group of 6 sharks is cruising around off the Malibu coast and head toward the beach, where lifeguard Peta Wilson is dealing with her romance issues of an ex boyfriend lifeguard and a new boyfriend with a construction project next to the beach. There’s also a young hunk lifeguard, some dumb floozie doing community service working on the beach, and another female lifeguard and her boyfriend hanging out.
So get this - having superfast sharks come at the beach and eat a couple of parasailing morons isn’t enough drama, so instead the earthquakes trigger a tsunami that heads along the California coast. So Peta gets turned over from her small speedboat, then rescued by boyfriend 1 on a jet ski, only to have the sharks knock over the jet ski, but they manage to make it to the beach in time to see the tsunami coming. So they get the beach cleared, but the 6 of them end up in the lifegaurd shack, while the construction crew are holed up in their building on the shore. And inexplicably, the tsunami doesn’t roll in and then roll back out, but rather rolls in and stays put - flooding the beach. So the lifeguard crew is holed up in waistdeep water in their shack waiting for the sharks to break in from the bottom, and the construction crew are stuck in their hotel away from where the water meets the shore.
There’s plenty of shark fun and lots of things like a guy holding his breath for like 5 minutes or something while swimming under the shack. I kept wondering why they stayed inside in the water instead of crawling on top of the shack where they would be dry and away from the sharks.
After this, it was time for “Megashark vs Giant Octopus”, with Deborah Gipson as a biologist in her submarine runabout off the coast of Alaska witnessing the release of the aforemention beasts from being encased in a glacier. The military is secretly testing a sonar device that shatters the ice and sets them free, but nobody will listen to Dr Debbie. So the shark and the octopus set out to various areas of the oceans to terrorize the seas, attacking ships and even an oil rig.
They claim Megashark is a megalodon, but as you can see by this nifty chart, he is actually much bigger.
http://staubman.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/megashark-full.jpg
And yes, one of the scenes has the shark jumping out of the ocean to take down an airliner. Now I don’t think that chart is exactly right, the airplane was descending for landing at the airport - the flight attendant is telling everyone to restore their seats to the fully up position when they hit some turbulence and I thought they went lower because of that. Anyway, yes it is still ridiculous.
So Dr Debbie hooks up with her old professor, and they get contacted by a Japanese scientist, and they uncover the truth and the evidence for the shark and the octopus - just in time for the “government” to storm in and capture them to keep the truth secret but also get their help to capture and kill the beasts.
Now being good scientists, Dr Debbie and her crew want to capture them at first - for science! They end up with a plan to use pheromones to lure them to respective harbors of San Francisco and Tokyo in order to capture them in the bays. Unfortunately, the plans don’t work.
Oh, and we see that a)the Navy likes to shoot their guns at underwater targets (main guns, not torpedos); b) Navy Destroyers shoot their guns at targets that are approaching from the sides by aiming straight ahead; c) Megashark is immune to cannon fire from a destroyer; d) Megashark can sink a destroyer by biting it in half.
The results for Giant Octopus in Tokyo were equally disastrous, we are told. So what to do? Why not cast them against each other? So they set off in Navy submarines to use the pheromones to lure the two beasts to each other. And we see Giant Octopus swat and grab nuclear submarines, and Megashark chase a nuclear sub down and not be fazed by torpedos. Megashark catches the Navy sub, but Dr Debbie and her prof escape just in time in her sub runabout, which escapes the shark’s notice because Giant Octopus shows up for their battle to the mutual death.
Yes this movie is pretty bad, but the worst part is the Japanese scientist making moves on Dr Debbie by wooing her with his smooth, science babble. And the two of them getting it on in a janitor’s closet.
At this point I had to take a break, so skipped out on Giant Piranha.
I had intended to come back in time for “Megapython vs Gatoroid”, but missed the beginning, so set my DVR for the second run late tonight and will catch it tomorrow.
