Hey Hey for Halloween!
When all those witches can be seen!
Wearing black and red and green
and banging on a tambourine!
Horse and haddock! Horse and go!
Horse and Pellattiss! Ho ho!
What’s a Pellattiss? Damned if I know!
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! I can think of a dozen different reasons that it’s the very best holiday of all. Just for starters, Halloween celebrates fine things like masquerie, mystery, mortality, monstrosity, magic, madness, fear, fantasy, freedom, faery, rebellion, sorcery, chaos and candy. And its traditions focus on creativity and imagination and transgressive public performance.
My birthday, May second. The holiest and most joyous occasion to have ever graced an unworthy world.
Thanksgiving runs a distant third, but this is still a pretty good holiday, too. Why? Well, obviously – because it is all about having a huge elaborate feast centered around roasted meat (yes, fowl is *too *meat!) and a traditional dessert. Of course, I am not really fond of turkey (however, the best thing on the table is the stuffing that comes out of said gobble-bird) and there are two hundred finer desserts than pumpkin pie – but as a hedonistic heathen with gourmandisiac leanings, I think the basic idea is excellent, and one more people should take to heart.
April Fools Day is holy to me, if only for the memory of my near-godly triumph on the evening of of 04/01/2003
New Year’s Eve is when all the lamers who can’t handle their booze drink it anyway, and run around being soused idiots in public, but it’s still a sanctioned occasion to have a great rowdy loud drunken party, so I’m with it and for it.
Chinese New Years – cool parade with dragons and gongs and explosives.
I used to like Gay Freedom Day a Hell of a lot more than I do now – let’s just say I’m a jaded old queen and leave it at that, okay?
All those quotidian normal-people politics-based holidays are a lump of “meh” – Memo, Vets, Prez, Columbus, and Labor Days are mostly an annoyance to me, because I don’t participate much in the sentiments involved and the bank, library and post office being closed are a huge pain in the ass. St Paddy’s is more of the same, as far as I’m concerned – but with the added obnoxium of more of those amateur drunks, running around in broad daylight this time.
Easter is a drag because of all the Christian solemnity cum sanctimony cum sententiousness of the occasion on the one hand and the cutesy wootsey bunny wabbits and lambie pies and widdle chickies and duckies on the other, and both facets tend to give me hives just about equally. The only counterpoint to Easter suckitude is the Monday morning after, when there’s donkey loads worth of chocolate and marzipan yummies at all the drugstores and food markets at fabulously steep discounts.
Valentine’s Day makes me queasy, the way its lore and rituals take love and lust and genuine romance and heartfelt friendships and turn them into cheap-ass sappy sentimental corn-syrup mush, and all decorated in hideous taste, too. Plus I have some gruesome memories of how the day was observed back in grammar school.
Mother’s Day especially and Father’s Day are both sort of disgusting – they try to guilt trip and otherwise emotionally coerce one into sappy sentiment and familial affections some of us don’t share; in fact they’re symptoms of the odious, mawkish, imbecilic and repressive cultus of THE FAMILY which swamps the modern, Westernized psyche.
Fourth of July is horrific – the celebration of patriotism aka nationalism, the glorification of warfare and weaponry and the making those awful things into fun and games. Also all those goddamned firecrackers get on my nerves. Red white and blue is actually a fairly dumb and unsightly combination of colors, too, but you’re not supposed to notice that. Plus there’s that odious American preoccupation with Wholesomeness and Family Oh Family Together Time and The Kids all over the damn place again.
But of course the absolute freaking worst is Christmas. Oh my sweet badness, do I ever hate Christmas. And I have many excellent reasons for my disdain of the December wallowday, reasons which I ain’t about to get into here – because those who get it, get it and nothing need be said, while the rest of them don’t wanna hear it and get pissed off when you mention it.