Yeah, I’ve got to agree. Don’t propose. Wait. For a variety of reasons.
The average age for the first sexual experience in a girl in the US is seventeen. Six years in which to have four partners isn’t unusual. That would be more than a year spent with each partner. I can assure you very few people wait more than a year into a relationship before having sex. Did you wait a year before sleeping with her? If she was dating a guy for a year or longer, of course she’s going to sleep with him. That is perfectly normal.
You need a few years before you think about marriage. With age and experience, hopefully will come wisdom. If you love someone and want to spend your life with them, it is a bad idea to walk into your engagement thinking, “She’s had more sexual partners than I’ve had, what if she cheats on me?” Trust is needed for a marriage. You are both very young and she has the added difficulty of being a young single mother. Wait.
I’ll join in the chorus. No, 4 partners by 23 isn’t a lot, statistically speaking.
And yeah, I’m concerned that the fact you’re more worried about how many penises have been inside her than whether you’ll be a good father to her child* could be indication that you’re not really ready for this wife and family business. Nor, at your age in our culture, should you be. Give it some time.
I wonder if some of what’s coming up for you is a fear that you *have *to marry her because you had sex with her. Or maybe that your strict Roman Catholic family won’t accept her because she has a past sexual history and previous marriage. Or that God (or you yourself) won’t see the two of you as legitimately married. Fixating on her past and creating jealousy might be your subconscious way of sabotaging a relationship you don’t really want, but feel too guilty to walk away from. If that’s the case, I’d suggest you talk to a priest of your choosing if your religion is important to you, or just let it go as childhood baggage if you don’t care much about being a Catholic anymore.
*Assuming she’s raising the child, of course. I suppose she could have adopted it out, in which case, nevermind that paragraph.
If you don’t have a college degree and/or a steady, good paying job with advancement opportunities sans a degree, then you aren’t ready for marriage.
If the two of you aren’t able to support yourselves 100% on your own – including rent, clothes, transportation, and adult things like auto and health insurance, then you’re not ready for marriage.
If you’re more concerned about how many people she’s slept with in the past rather than focusing on who she is NOW, then you’re not ready for marriage.
If you have to put the engagement ring on terms, you’re not ready for marriage.
If you’re not legally able to drink champagne at your own wedding, you’re not ready for marriage.
In short, you aren’t done cooking yet. Wait a few years. When you move your focus from the short-term to the long-term, then you’ll be on your way.
I also think you should listen to the advice of this wise mechanical fruit. You have only been dating this girl for a year, you are only 20, planning a vacation together should seem like a big commitment, and you’re thinking marriage? She has a child, are you sure you are ready to become a parent? She already had one marriage that ended rather quickly, she shouldn’t rush into another one.
Oh and 4 at age 23 isn’t a huge number. As others have said, the fact that this bothers you is an indication that you are not ready for marriage. You should also remember, that as men age through their 20s, they tend to become exponentially more attractive to women.
You mentioned religion, I think it’s worth noting that I was a Roman Catholic at 18, and wasn’t at 20. People go through a lot of different big changes in their early 20s. You need to wait a couple of years before you lock yourself into marriage.
If you’re doubting her faithfulness to you–based on the fact that she’s had four previous sexual partners, which, as a lot of people have already pointed out to you, is not a lot–you’re not ready for marriage. Put the brakes on for at least another six months or so.
I understand some of how you’re feeling. A friend of mine married young and she ended up getting a divorce a little over a year later. She later met a very nice guy who was, like you, raised in a very strict Roman Catholic fashion and was still very religious. She was also upfront with him about her previous marriage and like you he had problems with it.
He told her he wasn’t sure what to feel and needed some time to think about it. She was hurt, but at least it was out in the open where it could be dealt with. Yes, it was made things pretty chilly between them for a while. The worst part was that she felt she was being told to meet requirements for his love that she couldn’t possibly do anything about. He ultimately decided that he loved her more than he cared about her past and was able to get over his hang ups. The two of them are happily together now.
You need to do the same thing. A little resentment now is just going to build over the years. You’re never going to trust her and always be suspicious until it ultimately just explodes. And as a good Catholic you won’t even be able to gt a divorce when it all goes wrong. You need to recognise that you are holding her to a standard that she can’t meet. You’ll have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or something you can eventually let go.
Will your girlfriend be hurt when you tell her all this? Almost certainly. Is it the right thing to do? Definetely. You owe it to yourself and especially to her to enter into any marriage without reservation.
I knew my wife was a slut before I met her. That was one of the things I found appealing about her.
After > 21 years, I remind her from time to time and ask her if she will let her inner slut come out and and play.
You guys are being awfully gentle with this young…fella. Hey, OP, send your girlfriend in here, and I’ll have a heart-to-heart talk with her about not putting numbers on things that are none of a guy’s business, and how if a guy insists on knowing, it’s time to dump him.
She sounds kind of like my mom, married young and was divorced, dated a bit and had me at 23. The thing is, she waited until she was 27 to remarry and has been married now for over 30 years. I agree with the people above that you should give it some time.
The partners aren’t that big a deal (although if she admits to 4, it’s probably really more like 12. I believe the math is that you multiply by 3 for women and divide by 3 for men). It’s the kid you need to be wary of. That’s not a responsibility you can take lightly, and you probably aren’t ready for it.
If you go ahead and marry her, you’ll have more trouble with the Roman Catholic thing when you want to divorce her and have a life.
Because I am a statistician, I rarely say that things in nature will happen with Probability 0, but if you go into this marriage with this irrational resentment against your girlfriend for having partners before you, I will put your chances of making it “long term” at near 0.
It’s also not a good idea to marry the first girl you lay, by the way. A lot of guys, especially late bloomers, tend to over-romanticize the first one and think it’s more special than it really is. You’re awfully young to be thinking about locking yourself up for life after only having experienced one sexual relationship. You could really end up regretting this.
I met my first real girlfriend right after high school, I was 18 and she was 19. We were together for about a year and a half. I lost my virginity to her, but she’d been with ten guys before me.
The number of previously partners was an issue between us. That is to say, it was an issue for me that I couldn’t get past. Looking back on it, I realize now that I was jealous of her experience, and I always felt like maybe I wasn’t measuring up, performance-wise. Some years after we’d broken up, after I’d grown up a bit, I finally understood what she’d been telling me all along: her past didn’t matter, she loved me, she was only interested in being with me.
Four former lovers and you’re in anguish? What a spoiled brat you are! I dated a 24-year old some years ago who claimed I was her 25th (she started at 16). The only effect it had was to make her a better lover, IMO. If you’re in angst over this, you shouldn’t be considering marriage, as you will never get past it. Grow up first.
You need to recognise that you are holding her to a standard that she can’t meet. You’ll have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or something you can eventually let go.