Why did I let myself fall for him? *TMI*

The BBQ Pit
1

A little background:

Back about Easter, I broke up with a guy ending a 3 year relationship. I dated a few guys and stuff, NBD, but the friday before last I found the nicest guy ever. It was totally by accident and stuff and he really seemed to like me and had total potential so I thought “Why not?” I prettymuch let my hormones run wild and had a damn fine time doing it and thought it was just for fun. Then, on sunday night, I realised that I had developed feelings for the guy. And I was cool with it because I thought he really liked me (and who knows, perhaps he does) and all that fun stuff.

So today I ask the big question that you’re all supposed to ask: What’s your stats? And he was goofy about it, but when I asked really directly he told me he slept with four girls. I have one guy under my belt. That’s sex and was oral sex until this guy came along. Now follows a little email I just wrote a friend of mine which I think sums my feelings up quite will. The names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent:

[freaked-out email]
Read no further if you don’t wanna hear me whine in an annoying
stream-of-concious form.

Shit shit shit.

New Man has had sex with 4 girls. Shit. Fuck. That’s waaaaaaay more than I expected. Shitshit shit shitshitshit. I’m kinda in a state of shock right now. I went and allowed myself to have feelings for this guy (only a couple days ago. I was holding back before, I think sub-conciously) and now I have this to deal with. I could understand one or two. Then, ya know, they all could have been all special to him and stuff…but four? That’s way to many.

Am I just gonna be a stat if I go ahead with him? Shiiiiiiiiit. I really wish I coulda found this out before sunday. 'Cause that’s when I decided to go ahead and develop feelings for the guy. He soooooo sweet, but is it an act or something? This is all happening way faster than I had intended, hell, I didn’t intend ANY of this to even happen!

Crap crap crap.

I don’t mind having sex with a guy who I won’t marry. I gave that up after a while with Old Guy (who called today btw. grr). But the ONE thing I do NOT want is to not be remembered. I wanna be in love with the guy and him in love with me and now shit here’s a guy I thought it was gonna be great with and here he’s fucked FOUR GIRLS who were NOT ME and how do I know if he loved any of them? How do I have a chance to compete with FOUR GIRLS?

Shit shit shit.
[/freaked-out email]

Ok, here’s the advice part. I’ve lived a sheltered life. Do guys normally have a large number of girls under their belt by 20? If so, is it possible for them to actually have loved each of them, or at least love another girl after that and be in a long term, meaningful relationship? Am I getting myself into a tizzy over nothing? Arrg. I just know I’m gonna read this over tomorrow and sigh because I’m freaking over nothing, but still…Eeep! Four girls!
[SUB]Little Bird attempts to do her homework, but ends up staring at the wall for a few hours[/SUB]

2

Uh… These are the kinds of decisions you have to make for yourself. Personally, I don’t think the number of people someone had slept with would affect me that much, especially if the number were four.

3

“Normal” I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t call it abnormal. (Note: I wouldn’t consider four large.)

Possible, yes. “Targets of opportunity” come to mind as well.

**

Absolutely.

**

It’s not “nothing” if it means this much to you.

BTW, the number of sexual partners one has had isn’t any real indication of that person’s capacity to love.

4

I was told during my OB/GYN rotation that the average American has five sexual partners over the course of a lifetime. Four by the age of 20 is probably above average at that age, but it wouldn’t raise my eyebrows.

Dr. J

5

Well, assuming four is a large number…I’d think it’s hardly uncommon. I’m no Casanova, but I’d topped that fairly well by 20.

These days, the real concern shouldn’t be quantity so much as quality. Get tested, get proof, and don’t take his word for it; even if he recalls them as being sweet and innocent, that doesn’t mean they actually were.

6

If it makes you feel any better, by the time I was 20, I couldn’t even remember the first four girls I’d slept with. I vaguely remembered the last four, and some of the many sets of four in between.

7

Unless the New Man has had unprotected sex with four girls, I wouldn’t freak out. It’s not as if he lied to you about it or anything. Maybe I’m weird, or maybe it’s just my male psyche talking, but personnally, I don’t care how many people my SO has had sex with before me. What I do care about is that:

1 - That person loves me and I love them.

2 - That person is honest with me.

3 - That person practices safe sex.

4 - That person doesn’t cheat on me.

Not necesseraly in that order, since all four are as important to me. What’s in their past is in their past. As long as they’re healthy.

8

What’s your stats?

Okay, it’s tasteless, but the only thing I can imagine right now is something similar to a baseball card, including times “at bat,” with various averages, errors, fouls, etc. Sorry bout that.

9

Drastic, I was trying to bring humor to an awkward situation. I think it worked…At least you were amused. :smiley:

Thanks for all your answers. I feel better now, except from what Zaphod said, my whole point was I wanted to be remembered. Very fitting for your handle, tho.

I guess a better question would have been: Would a man feel good about marrying a woman with a few under her belt? Ya know, what with the double standard and all. I’m a bit naive about the whole thing, before my last boyfriend I was gonna wait 'till marriage…ha, that worked out! I’ve still only got one to my name…I just wanna make sure that if I play around a bit I’ll still be marriage/kids material in a few years. :slight_smile:

See, I knew I’d feel better in a few hours.

10

Way back when I was 18, I was the only single member of the most popular (by a mile) band in a small college town. As one might imagine, I had every opportunity to, uh, well, fuck, and being a horny college freshman, I took advantage of my situation.

Five years later, I’m going on two years in a relationship with a woman I love who also happens to be eight years my senior.

Nothing would scare me more than a committed relationship with a girl who had little, if any, sexual experience. Said experience tends to cure one’s unreasonable expectations.

I won’t give you my stats, but it’s more than four, and bigger than a bread box. Same goes for my girlfriend.

On the other hand, since you’ve only known this guy for a couple of weeks, he might be lying about his previous conquests. He might also be a man-slut. All I’m saying is watch yourself.

11

Glad you feel better. I remember every person I have had sex with, even though a couple of memories are hazy. One of my ex-gf was Bi, and had had sex with more people than she could remember, but it didn’t bother me, since she was honest about it, and had practiced safe sex with these numerous parners. I think something my dad told me when I was little applies here: “Don’t try to be the first, try to be the last.” Hmmm… Seems to have lost something in the translation. Basically put, the past doesn’t matter, the present (and future) does.

12

Damn you, Sig-Stealing Preview!!!

::bangs head on desk::

As you were…

13

To echo the others in this thread (and actually dispense some advice as to avoid the ‘me too’ syndrome) I don’t think that four is an abnormally large number.

I had sex with four women before I was twenty, and a much larger number than that afterwards. I was safe with everyone, and I feel that the heartbreak and pain (along with the really, really good sex) makes me a better man, husband, and person.

If you think that New Man is a good man (and a possible canidate for future relations, carnal or otherwise), do not judge him on this. If you hold even the slightest bit of anger towards him it could run him off. I know I would. YMMV

14

Darling…

I had sex with 4 girls by the time I was 20. And I was a complete introvert loser. Lahoo-zaher!

.

15

Four? You’re freaked out because he slept with four? By age twenty?

You know, you may want to brace yourself for greater worries in future relationships.

16

I slept with more than that in one weekend.

I’m now the staid mother of two, married for ten years and totally monogamous.

I worry about the modern generation. :wink:

17

The point, Little Bird, isn’t what he’s done. Numbers are misleading. I could tell you my stats, and based on them you’d probably make a number of assumptions about me that aren’t true. What I’ve done is not necessarily who I am, and that was true of me at 20 as well.

If you’re worried about being a statistic, or not being special to him, though, you can do something about that. The easiest way to make sure you’re not just a number is to wait to have sex with him until you know him well; tell him up front that you don’t have sex unless you have strong feelings for your partner - that you’re willing to be romantic and sensual, but that you won’t have sex until you know him. If he doesn’t want to wait, he’s a boyslut. (If he doesn’t want to wait years, though, he’s just a boy.) If he’s willing to wait, to get to know you, then at the very least you’ll be remembered, though how you will be remembered is up to you.

The older you get, by the way, the more you’ll encounter people with pasts. Either don’t ask and don’t tell when it comes to histories, or be prepared to take people as they are - make their statistics only a small part of your total understanding of them. (Well, some stats speak for themselves - if he’d been married four times, no matter what age he was, I’d be telling you to run like hell.)

As for the question of marriage material - it depends on who you want to marry. Let me put it this way: if someone espouses a double standard, and demands virginity in a wife even though he himself is not a virgin, is this really someone you want to marry? For the record, I’ve got a lot of male friends, and none of them base their willingness-to-marry mostly or entirely on past history. They’re more worried about present behavior and future potential. Do what you think is right, and try to be who you want to be, and the right person for you will love you for it. (Now how’s that for glurge?)

(And let me just say - I’m 27. In my wild youth, I slept with more than four people at once; you probably don’t want to hear my partner count. I’m happily monogamous now, and have been in this relationship for 8 years. The teen years are not especially predictive of the years to come.)

18

Conversely, who I’ve done is not necessarily what I am.

19

[sesame street]…And today’s number is…the number FOUR!!

Big Bird: Four? Not a fucking lot, is it. You don’t mean Forty do you?[/sesame street]

20

On first read I thought you meant that he explained that he is currently and concurrently sexually involved with four girls.

I think you worry a bit much.

Well, I don’t do marriage, but as far as committed ongoing rels go, – I tend to wonder about any woman of my age and generation who hasn’t been in love 3-4 times, been in a similar number (not necessarily overlapping) of ongoing relationships, and bedded a few who weren’t necessarily in either category. An underexperienced female is risky business as far as getting involved–she may not know how to manage what she feels (fears, insecurities, rages, etc), may not have the rough edges honed off from working things out (or trying to) with another individual at close range…she might even be jealous or annoyingly insecure about something as silly as how many women I’ve been with

…um. well…yeah. Sorry about that.