This sounds like my husband. He lost his virginity to me at 21. I am three years older than him, so I was 24 when we met. I had been having sex since I was 15. I had been with more than four partners; I am bisexual and had been with both men and women. It took my husband a while to come to grips with it. Eventually, he realized that everything I had been through, everything (and everyone) I had done eventually led me to him. Those decisions led me to the decision to join Match.com, where I met him. Not necessarily fate, but if I hadn’t made those decisions, those mistakes, etc., I wouldn’t have met him. And we wouldn’t be together.
Sinful tendencies? Really? Are you saying that she’s sinful for having had four presumably loving, presumably faithful, sexually active relationships in her life?
I thought that was a joke…
ETA: Judging from kanicbird’s previous posts, maybe not. Hard to tell sometimes.
An update:
Thank you to all posters.
Her story;
She got married at 18 and divorced at 22 because he was cheating on her with another woman. Now i really have no idea if that is EXACTLY what happened, but trust me, i’ve met him, he is a complete douche.
I am 20, have an associates degree in Media Production, and am currently almost done with a bachelors in business. I have an excellent job earning $50K plus health insurance, and other benefits.
Just because i am 20 doesnt mean i’m like all the rest of them, i think maybe you guys shouldn’t be so fast to typecast all the posters.
So you have a job and some schooling; you still have a lot of growing up to do.
I don’t think you should wait because of being 20, I think you should wait because you are not able to deal with your gf’s past. People like this end up bringing it up in every argument and throwing it in their partner’s face and making their partners sorry they were ever honest with them.
How do YOU think you can get past it? If you had had 4 sex partners, do you think you’d feel okay about hers? Or do you think she should have been a virgin? I think you need to talk to a counselor about why you feel so insecure about this.
Let’s see if I understand… you (and maybe her?) grew up “strict RCC” and what bothers you is that she had sex with 4 guys before meeting you, but not that she’s divorced? And by the way, was that a civil marriage or religious? If it was RCC, is she getting an annulment or are you going civil?
I don’t know whether the ex-husband was dude #1 or #3, but the estimated logistics based on the info you give add up well for “4 guys by age 23”. What matters on that side is not what she’s done before, but what she does from now on.
You need to calm the heck down before you propose. “She’s the first girl I had sex with” does not equal “she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with”. Yes, in RCC terms you shouldn’t have had sex unless you wanted to spend the rest of your lifes together, but that’s water under the bridge now. Think in terms of where do you want to be when you’re 40, 60, 80. Do you want her and her child there with you? Will you know that this child whose biological father was someone else is your child, or will you always think of him/her as “the bastard”? You can’t be a good husband for her unless you can be a good father to all her children, including the pre-packaged one.
Well, if she said thats what happened, then thats exactly what happened.:dubious:
What do you mean you have no idea if that’s EXACTLY what happened? Are you saying you don’t trust your girlfriend to be honest with you?
- You can’t get over her past.
- You don’t trust what she’s said about her past.
And yet you think marrying her will be a good idea? Age and income have nothing to do with it. You are not ready to make a commitment to this woman until you’ve settled these two issues.
The OPer hasn’t been back. I guess we scared him off.
So she dumped her husband because he was cheating on her and that leads you to believe that she’ll cheat on you?
You’re 57 posts too late. 
Yes, you are being too uptight.
No, 4 partners is not a lot for a 23 year old. I was probably up to 15 or 20 by age 23.
I have no idea how you could just get over this. Sounds like you are suffering from Madonna-Whore syndrome brought on by strict Catholic brainwashing. To you, all women fall into one of two categories: Sweet, innocent virgins or filthy, slutty whores. For you, if your girl is not a sweet innocent virgin, then she can only be a filthy whore.
Sad really, because your girlfriend is neither.
I suggest you put the idea of marriage out of your head until you are old enough and mature enough to be able to look beyond someone’s past and love them for who they truly are. When you are mature enough to not judge someone as “not good enough” because they’ve had more sex partners than you, then you are ready for marriage.
Good luck with that.
Oh yes, your inclination to propose to someone you obviously distrust, whose past you clearly cannot handle, marks you as an absolute paragon of maturity. I mean, dude, really. Anyone young enough enough and dumb enough to honestly believe that having a decent job makes you a fully grown-up person, truly is too young and dumb to have any business getting married. The fact that you’ve posted this as a defense of your jealousy and distrust says to me that you are, indeed, like all the rest of them, or maybe even a bit worse than some.
I’ve known people your age who were ready to get married; most of them put it off a couple years for logistical reasons, usually to finish school, but if they had wanted to do it then I would have been right there cheerleading. Those people are, quite frankly, few and far between, and their relationships were nothing like what you’re describing to us. I mean, c’mon, step outside this a moment and look at it as though one of your friends was telling it to you.
Guy’s 19 years old, and he starts dating someone a few years older than him, who just got divorced and has a very small child. Well, at least that’s what she says, he’s not sure he entirely believes everything she tells him about her romantic past. Even at this point, would you be telling your buddy “Oh yeah, hit that, this relationship sounds fantastic and will totally work out!” or would you tell him that maybe, perhaps, just possibly, this might not be the best idea he’s ever had? Be honest, now.
Now fast forward some months. They’ve been bumping uglies, and it’s driving your friend just absolutely nuts that she’s slept with people before him. Even though he knew going in that obviously she had, because of the kid, it drives him nuts. Oh, and he’s thinking about proposing to her. Again, would you egg him on? Or would you give him a giant bitchslap upside the head?
So cynically…has it occurred to you that you might not be “her ONE” but instead a heavensent guy willing to put up with a woman with a small child who has a decent job and insurance? That statement may be unfair to your girlfriend, but at the same time, at 23 with a toddler, men who make ok money don’t trip over themselves to date you and propose. That alone is reason to wait a few years and make sure that she isn’t motivated by the need to take care of her child. And she may not even realize that, that at this point she’d be settling simply because she needs to support a child. People aren’t always as self aware as they should be.
You don’t seem to trust her. And she has reasons not to trust men, if she was cheated on in the past and left with a small child. And if you don’t “trust” her story, there is the cynical version of this, where she got pregnant “accidentally on purpose” to get her husband/boyfriend to grow up. And the “cheating” was her imagination. Not that its EVER happened or anything.
There is no rush. You and she can both wait a few years and see how you feel about each other. Over time, her past becomes more and more distant…at one time I might have had a “number” for my husband - at one time I might have even had feelings about that number - after fifteen years of marriage the only one that matters is that for fifteen years its been “one.”
The fact that you think the judgement on your age has anything to do with your education and income level is part and parcel, my man. It’s a fact that your ability to assess risks and such properly doesn’t generally fully mature until age 25.
I was in your shoes, by the by. Even ended up ending a potentially great relationship because I couldn’t get over it (in her case, she had two previous sexual partners–both in one night, though).
Now that I’m 31, it’s on my list of “things I wouldn’t be as much in a hurry to figure the hell out, if I could go back.”
Assuming she had just the one partner for the four years she was married, this woman had 16 partners over a period of six years, assuming she started at 13. That’s a lot for an underage girl.
That’s a good point - she seems to be willing to overlook TWNPsycho’s glaring flaw (that he’s jealous of something that is none of his business).
Wow… I remember being freaked out (and still a little bit) that my husband had ONLY had two sexual partners before me. Seriously… Two.
Welp, even if this girl is telling the truth and really will be faithful to you, you sound like you’re the controlling type and you have trust issues.
How do you feel when she talks to other guys who she swears are “just friends”? Do you get upset when you go to her place and she’s not there? Do you demand to know where she’s been and tend to grill her if you think her story lacks details? Do you call her from work to check up on her? Do you freak if your call goes to voice mail?
If you’re so concerned about her past you post about it online for millions to read, then you probably don’t trust her. You might be able to support her and her kid financially, but that doesn’t mean you got a lock on her. Everybody here is speaking from experience and have no reason to lie to you. Just because their advice is not what you want to hear doesn’t mean it’s invalid.