RANT shriek SCREAM (mutter mutter) RANT bitch-bitch-bitch

The BBQ Pit
1

Life sucks.

My boss is having a meltdown in her personal but NOOOOOO that couldn’t POSSIBLY be affecting the way she dumps shit on everyone NOOOOO not a stable intellectual like herself. I just get fucking tired of co-workers coming up to me saying “Gee, I’m so sorry the boss cut you down and was rude to you like that”. Of course, I’ve having shit loads of opportunity to make the same apologies to everyone else because she isn’t a PREJUDICED shit-unloader she’s an equal-opportunity shitter.

I’m just too fucking sorry one of my co-workers has a busted ankel and just can’t haul shit around and another has disappeared entirely (I don’t know whether he quit, was fired, got sick, went to jail, was kidnapped, or even murdered - he ain’t here no more and neither are his personal effects and HR says he ain’t coming back) and the fourth is puking her guts up in the fucking bathroom because of the intestinal bug that’s going around (Helllllllooooooo - the Mayor and his wife were in the hospitale yesterday with this, it’s NOT just “bad attitude”). THE ONE FUCKING DAY I take off because I am geysering shit out of my asshole and my disgestive tract turning inside out the boss-lady has a fucking MELTDOWN because ONE FUCKING PERSON is late to the GODDAMNED conference call - BECAUSE HE’S DOING FUCKING EMERGENCY SURGERY and boss-lady has to blow a gasket over it and give me a fucking public dressing down because SHE’S too lazy to FUCKING ASK SOMEONE ELSE for that information which is lying in GOAT-SHIT ORANGE FOLDER ON DESK LABELED CONFERENCE CALLS which can be seen at 20 paces even by the likes of Mr. Magoo. After which she speend an HOUR detailing “procedures” to be followed to prevent this from happening againg - EVERY FUCKING ONE OF WHICH HAS BEEN IN PLACE FOR GODDAMNED FOUR YEARS except, of course, the filling-in person should have FUCKING READ THE EMPTY SPACES OF HER SKULL to “anticipate” that some asshole fuckhole in CALGARY was going to need some sort of EMERGENCY SURGERY at FUCKING 3 AM and INFORM Boss-bitch the DAY BEFORE that Dr. Asswipe wasn’t going to make the call. And yes, you ignorant boss-bitch, Calgary happens to be in CANADA which is NOT a part of the United States which means YES, you’re dialing a foreign country which you CAN’T DO from the phone in the conference room. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Oh, and yes, I am capable of reading and remembering in exact fucking detail every shit piece of e-mail I get in a day, all 130+, AND your e-mail, boss-bitch, AND do all the office running around because Ms. D is still in a cast AND do the work of Mr.-I-Fell-Off-The-Face-Of-The-Earth and YES, I LOOK FUCKING TIRED YOU BLOATED RHINO FART, THANKS FOR FUCKING NOTICING!!! So, with all of that, I am SO eager to hear you bark at me like a dyspetic chihuahua with the DT’s, then repeat everything you just said FIVE FUCKING MORE TIMES because OF COURSE I must be either STUPID or FUCKING DEAF never mind you don’t talk that way to people who actually ARE deaf (we’ve got a couple such folks at work). GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE SO I CAN ACTUALLY GET SOME GODDAMNED WORK DONE, YOU HARPY BITCH

EXCUSE ME - there is NOT something wrong with me because I refuse to be treated like a doormat. Why don’t YOU go to fucking counseling, huh? If your such a fine fucking example of humanity why is your son acting out and causing so much trouble? BECAUSE YOU WON’T FUCKING ADMIT THERE’S A PROBLEM HERE, that’s why, and the problem is coming from YOU. YOUR life is carreening out of control and instead of dealing with it you have to overcontrol everyone fucking else. You can’t treat people with multiple doctorates like disorderly retarded toddlers and even those of us who DON’T have your education are still entitle to some human dignity rather than to be treated as mangy stray dogs provided for your venting and abuse.

Well, after all that you’d think going home would be a pleasure. Absolutely fucking not. I’d say the commuter train is selling tickets to the dumpster-scrapings of society but the assholes causing problems don’t fucking have tickets!!!. On Christmas Eve there was the gentleman who got on the train so fucking drunk his breath fumes were peeling paint off the walls of the train, dropped into a seat next to me with the sloppy posture that makes him occupy the physical space of 3 people AND PROCEEDS TO TALK IN A LOUD FUCKING VOICE AUDIBLE IN ALL THE WAY TO LA-LA-LAND CALIFORNIA ABOUT HOW COCKSUCKING ASSHOLES ARE FUCKING HIM UP THE ASS AND WHERE THE FUCK DOES THIS TRAIN GO AND HOW COME THEY AREN’T MAKING ANNOUNCEMENTS AND WHAT’S YOUR NAME AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A HUSBAND AND HE BEATS YOU DOESN’T HE, DOESN’T HE AND YOU PROBABLY ENJOY THAT SHIT AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN MR CONDUCTOR THIS TICKET AIN’T GOOD ON THIS TRAIN I SHOULD MAKE YOU KISS MY ASS AND YOU MEAN THERE AIN’T DRINKING ON THIS TRAIN AND WE’RE IN INDIANA HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN and on and on and on for FORTY HELLISH SCREAMING AGONY MINUTES. While he’s sucking on a couple more fifths of clear shit that smells extremely flammable.

So call a friend on my cellphone to meet me at the train station because Mr. Everclear is becoming ever more, um, well, friendly isn’t the correct word, let’s just say a little too interested. I call this friend because 1) he lives close to the train station and 2) he’ll bring his gun. So when we pull into the station I go charging down the stairs easily outrunning a drunk and straight into a snowstorm, trying to remember where the fuck I left my pickup truck and hoping the friend is there (he was).

Yesterday, it was 3 little rugrats WHO FUCKING WOULDN’T STOP KICKING AND PUNCHING MY SEAT. They’re old enough to have manners but apparently these weren’t an available option at the factory. The mother thinks it’s “cute”. I think it’s fucking annoying, especially since I spent over two hours shoveling snow out of the driveway on Christmas and the old back muscles are still discussing the issue with me, if you know what I mean. Having an intermittant WHAP! whap! KA-BANG! pow! THUD! is not helping. How about I gut your little rug-rats and leave them with their intestines looped about the legs of the other commuters - would THAT be fucking cute or what?

So, it’s the weekend. I can go hide for a couple days. Of course I can’t watch TV or listen to radio or read the newspapers because the talking heads are lusting and drooling after war (think of all the cornflakes that will sell!!!).

How about off-planet? Yes, that’s sounding very very good. Me and a small plane flying out over rural America away from everybody else where nobody’s bothering me and I don’t bother them. Yes. I could use a dose of that…

SOME FUCKED UP SUPPERATING GOAT TESTICLE RAN AN SUV INTO THE GODDAMNED AIRPLANE!!! Big ol’ fucking DENT in the goddamed wing! How the FUCK can you ACCIDENTLY run into and goddmaned AIRPLANE??? The fucker is 9 feet tall (excuuuuuuse me… make that just under 3 meters) and a little over 30 feet (that’s 10 meters) wide. What the fuck? If you can’t see have your fucking German Shepherd drive the goddamned gas-guzzling deathbox on wheels, OK? I suppose this ALSO explains the bumper-imprint on the hangar wall, too. Of course, the weasel-dropping responsbile got away with it.

Well, OK, there’s the little Cessnas. They even have heaters, which are rendered totally useless by the surfeit of drafts coming through the missing window weatherstripping and the imperfectly fitting doors. Hell, might as well be open cockpit - when it rains outside it rains inside and I just fucking LOVE squishy ass-soaking upholstery, don’t you? But the goddamned weather warmed up which means all that melting snow is now evaporating into mist and fog. I WANT IT A FUCKING 10 DEGREES OUT, OK? IT’S WINTER, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE COLD AND SNOWY, ASSHOLES!!!

So here I am in front of the computer and I’ve just finished eating all the chocolate in the house and IT’S NOT ENOUGH!!!

2

I think I’m in love…

3

I’m in absolute skull fucking awe. Nice dismount too. 12 out of a possible 10 points.

[wayne and garth] We’re not worthy![/wayne and garth]

b

4

WAIT, SHE’S NOT DONE YET!!!

Did I mention the economy? It sucks. It worse than sucks. HEY, ALL YOU FORREIGNERS! YEAH, YOU, THE FOLKS WHO THINK ALL AMERICANS ARE RICH! We got homeless familes and hungry kids and people sleeping under cardboard boxes on the streets of downtown Chicago. And no one fucking cares. Obviously, if someone is out of work they must have fucked up. And no one hiring.

AND NO, I’M NOT GIVING ANY OF YOU BEGGING BILGE-WATER SMELLING ASSHOLES ANY OF MY MONEY!!! Goddamn, I thought the hands out and beg-beg-beg was a feature of the slums of Calcutta, not downtown Chicago.

Why am I bitching? Because if someone WAS hiring I’d blow off the fucking festering piles of potato peelings I work for and find another job where at least the frustrations would be new and novel. Of course, if I did quit, I’d be out a paycheck AND without health insurance. Excuse me, I did the lay-bricks-wash-dogs-dumpster-diving bullshit in my 20’s and I didn’t enjoy it then.

Oh, and the prospect of war. If we’re going to have WWIII (and I think we will) let’s just get it the fuck over with, OK? The suspense is killing me. Everyone just lob your best weapons of mass destruction and have done with it. If it ain’t North Korea hoping to blackmail money and fuel out of us (Guess what you demented weasel anal glands - WE AIN’T GOT IT) it’s Iraq threatening to fight to the last man, woman, and child (ask the Japanese how well that worked against us).

And the fucking rest of the world that bitches if the US gets involved but throws a hissy fit if we say we’re going to leave them to their own devices. Ya’ll are acting like two-year olds who don’t want mommy to interfere with you teasing the local bully, but you want to slap said bully when things go against you. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t denouce America as arrogant Imperialistic bullies then expect us to rescue your skanky asses when the going gets tough.

Especially Europe.

How about you fucking defend YOURSELVES, OK? Develop your own militaries so we can go back home. Oh, right, you’re too fucking pure and sanitzed to dabble in warfare. Fine, we’ll just go home anyway, will that make you all happy? A bunch of pissant Neville Chamberlains ready to sell the world to evil in the name of peace.

All those Muslims assholes running around - hey, you think we want your land and oil? Here’s the truth - we don’t give a fuck about you. And you’re all pissed off about it because from day one your mullahs and immans have been telling you you’re the hottest camel shit around and your destiny is to rule the world. Well, guess what, you’re still ignorant pissants in a Medieval backwater. If you aren’t as successful (at whatever) as you’d like how about you look inside YOURSELVES for the problem instead of blaming folks halfway around the world for your kingdom of sand and spit and venom, huh?

So, you’re going to blow up the WTC and the Pentagon to get our attention?. OK, you got it. Oh, I’m so fucking sorry you don’t LIKE our attention now - WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DEGENATE DONKEY-SPLEENS EXPECT?

Let’s get something clear, you puss-spangled stinkholes - we ARE exercising restraint. The US is quite capable of reducing any one (or three) of your dessicated little kingdoms to a radioactive glass-lined crater. Or simply carpet-bombing you out of existance. Have you noticed that we DON’T obliterate other countries, even when our enemies have the stated purpose of utterly destroying us? If you don’t want your cities leveled or your people and families killed don’t go fucking blowing up other peoples’ countries, OK? Is this rocket science or something? The Taliban could have had their little Islamic hell-hole forever and we wouldn’t have given a fuck but blow up 16 acres in Manhattan we’re going to get pissed. If you can’t understand the concept that if you whack a pit bull on the head with a tire iron you’re going to get bit you’re too stupid to live anyway.

Palestians and Isrealis - both fucking cranio-rectally inverted shitpiles. Build a wall around the whole mess and come back when the noise dies down to see if anything’s left. The only reason the “holy land” is holy is that everything’s been shot up so many times. Fuck 'em all, let them strap C-4 onto themselves and all go up in a big fucking fireworks display.

Since ya’ll can’t play nice how about we just fucking bulldoze Jersusalem and Mecca and all those other so-called “holy” sites that have been so blood-drenched that only vampires would care to live there so you won’t have anything to fight over any more?

Anyone who would even consider unleashing smallpox or any other bio-weapon is a loathsome embarassment to all lifeforms and should be locked in a coffin full of rotting, BSE-infected cattle corpses to be slowly devoured alive by dermastid beetles. And that would still be good for them. And we’d have to apologize to the carrion beetles for serving such foul fare for them.

Politicians – 200 of 'em on the bottom of the Atlantic ocean would be a good start. How about the White House fuck-ups? How about the so-called Attorney General who thinks the Bill of Rights is barely fit to be toilet paper and locks up American citizens without trial or access to a lawyer.

But let’s not take sides here - how about those violence-lusting warhawks? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING EAGER TO KILL PEOPLE? Do you ENJOY watching pain and suffering on CNN? Oh, wait, maybe you ARE CNN, in which case war is good because it will make you money, you degenerate slime-sucking rectums. Or maybe you’re a Washington fat cat. Here’s an idea: Any politician voting for war will instantly have ALL their children drafted and sent to the front lines. Let’s see who will be eager, then, huh? If they don’t have kids THEY get a free trip to the front - for the duration.

5

Did I miss anyone? No?

I’m cold and I want chocolate and I’m tired so I’m going to quit (for now)

6

She’s not prejudice. She hates everybody.

7

Damn right.

NOW my husband has the hershey-squirts rampaging diarrhea that’s been going around town. I’d say something about that, but the atmosphere in here is getting toxic and I’m going out for air.

No doubt I’ll have a wandering grand piano drop out of the sky onto my head and flatten me into a slush-filled sidewalk, the way things have been going.

Maybe I’ll just run a air hose out the bedroom window and go hide under the bed.

8

Wow.

Just… wow.

9

awed

10

…Guh?

<Softly pats Broomstick on the shoulder>
There…there? It’s…all…gonna be okay?

11

Be careful, Jester. She could rip your arm out by the roots.

b.

12

.

Sending invoice for new monitor/keyboard.

:stuck_out_tongue:

13

I’m definately in love.

14

You forgot France.

[sub]d&r**

15

Wow. I had absolutely no idea that goat shit was orange.
:smiley:

16

I wouldn’t; she’ll rant about that too! :eek:

(stands in stunned silence, then slinks away from Broomstick)

17

Quote: “The only reason the “holy land” is holy is that everything’s been shot up so many times.”

I disagreed with about half of your political opinions, but I gotta say, this is gold. You sound like you’re channeling Belushi on “Weekend Update.”

18

What Pesch said. Otherwise, quite good. Heh

19

Um…
{ Broomstick }?

20

::has a new idol::