Can we extend Godwin’s Law to cover Osama bin Laden? Because when you say, “No one should see The Golden Compass because it puts money in the author’s pocket. Would you see a movie based on a book by Osama bin Laden?” – you automatically should lose the debate for utter ridiculousness. You can count me out of further discussion on the topic.
:eek: Ok, that would disturb me, after I stopped laughing…
I took a nap. I still hate everyone. I’m comfortable with it.
Bwuh? Please tell me you’re joking.
Well, if it weren’t for my nose’s tendency to start spurting blood at the slightest hint of, you know, indoor heat, I’d prefer to be hot. If it’s hot you can layer your clothing and peel of the jacket and sweatshirt. If you’re sitting there in class and it’s forty-five degrees, then you’re pretty much out of luck.
Moron Driver from Virginia:
Hi.
You may have noticed that you are in rural Michigan, and not, in fact, in rush-hour D.C. traffic. So, not only is the fact that you and your tiny Kia are kissing the bumper of that massive pick up truck in front of you visibly pissing that guy off, but it’s also incredibly dangerous for everyone else. If it were just you that was going to get killed when that guy has to slam on his brakes when a deer jumps out in front of him, I’d tell you to go for it. However, fate is rarely that nice, and I’d like to live a little longer.
To conclude: BACK. THE FUCK. OFF.
Thanks.
P.S. HANG UP YOUR CELL PHONE, YOU FUCKWIT! If you must tailgate, at least use both hands!
My perspective is the opposite (at least as long as I’m prepared). If it’s cold, you can always put on more clothes; if it’s hot, there’s a point where you can’t take anything else off.
I wish that I was joking. Unfortunately, it seems that Philip Pullman, what with writing “atheist kid lit”, is Evil Incarnate. I myself may have to see The Golden Compass because I just can’t wait until Life In This Here Cave (And Death To The Infidels) hits the big screen.
Company #1: When you’re begging people to work six day weeks how about you give us raises that aren’t tied to overtime? I’ve worked on various projects for you for FIVE years. I have rarely been late or absent. Never once have I gotten a pay raise. I have gotten a promotion and a pay cut. You say you value education. How about you finally value it property: financially?
You greedy assholes. Stop overpaying management and our rat bastard of a CEO and raise wages for everyone else. Maybe then I’ll be able to call HQ and not get a different person every single time with conflicting information.
Company #2: Instead of cutting down over time hours (and my hard earned bonus money with it), how about you stop over hiring? Respect those of us who treat this project like an important job instead of a mere hobby.
You could also give us a non tied to over time pay raise. I haven’t seen a raise in base pay in the two years I’ve worked for you. A stupid mug does not take the place of a pension or wages that keep up with inflation.
Damn fucking Republican employers.
Yeah. Saturday at around 1:30am I had this series of ‘‘I need to wake up! I’m awake! Wait, no I’m not! I’m paralyzed in bed next to my husband and I’m suffocating under my own blanket! Oh wait, no I’m not, I’m trapped in a mental hospital while people are force-feeding me drugs! Nope… I’m suffocating next to my husband again, trying to scream to wake him up! Oh wait, no, I just need to… WAKE UP!’’
I was so freaked out when I woke up and could finally move that I stayed up for four hours straight out of fear of it happening again. Threw my whole damn sleep schedule off. Bah.
I pit library mofos for making my happy library associate buddies cry with their impotent rage over the internet stuff being buggy. The IT people were working on it, in addition to adding some new fun tech gizmos for you stupid mofos to fuck up; quit yelling at the nice, helpful staff!
I’ll go to see this only if it’s Osama: the Dialysis Years.
Very tired now, but still quasi-hating most things. Got two homework assignments done, which relieved the stress level some. Am going tomorrow to find assistance on the problem that caused my sleepless night, so I have little reason to keep on hatin’. Damn.
Oh, but my Cataloging prof posted our final. I making a voodoo doll for this Smurf–she is an evil smurf from hell…
I didn’t get a nap. I worked all day, IN THE RAIN. I still hate (nearly) everyone, and I’m perfectly fine with it.
I can lend you some homework if you feel your hate starting to dwindle.
Really. Philosophy, physics, or Supreme Court opinions, I’ve got papers to write all three topics (the math paper is almost done, but hell, if you want to finish that for me, I won’t complain). Or even just some of my daily homework - want to read thirty pages from Newton’s Opticks and understand it for me? Or translate two pages of French?
Three semesters left, assuming I don’t go to grad school and thus work retail the rest of my life…oh god.
To the fuckwits I encountered on the road today at work:
Dammit, do you not realize it’s foggy out? Visability is down to about 25-30 feet. Turn off your high beams! First of all, you’re blinding me, Fuckwit #1 in oncoming traffic. And it doesn’t help in thick fog like this. It just makes it worse.
Fuckwit #2 (who was in front of me), stop flashing your high beams. It doesn’t help! How can you not realize that? Fuckwits.
To whomever was in my ambulance last week when I took two days off: Clean up after yourself! The trashcan was full! What the hell did you eat half of and leave in there, anyway? It smells like rancid cat food! Empty the trash can after your shift, you lazy asswipe!
You spilled soda all over the lower dash and the floor. We have tons of cleaning wipes in back - would it be too hard to wipe up your spill? Clean it up!
And if you change all the settings on my GPS again, I’ll break your damn fingers.
Oh, and thanks ever so much for leaving me with less than half a tank of gas.
I’m going to bed. And I still hate (nearly) everyone.
To the fuckwits I encountered on the road today at work:
Dammit, do you not realize it’s foggy out? Visability is down to about 25-30 feet. Turn off your high beams! First of all, you’re blinding me, Fuckwit #1 in oncoming traffic. And it doesn’t help in thick fog like this. It just makes it worse.
Fuckwit #2 (who was in front of me), stop flashing your high beams. It doesn’t help! How can you not realize that? Fuckwits.
To whomever was in my ambulance last week when I took two days off: Clean up after yourself! The trashcan was full! What the hell did you eat half of and leave in there, anyway? It smells like rancid cat food! Empty the trash can after your shift, you lazy asswipe!
You spilled soda all over the lower dash and the floor. We have tons of cleaning wipes in back - would it be too hard to wipe up your spill? Clean it up!
And if you change all the settings on my GPS again, I’ll break your damn fingers.
Oh, and thanks ever so much for leaving me with less than half a tank of gas.
I’m going to bed. And I still hate (nearly) everyone.
To my neighbor,
I don’t lie. Don’t call me a liar. Crazy bitch.
To the (probably) evening-shift fuckwipe who stole my lunch within two hours of putting it in the breakroom fridge at work:
I hope you get infected hemorrhoids.
I wouldn’t have cared if you stole my food, but you stole my goddamn energy drink. I need that to stay awake and work all night while your ass is partying or sleeping. Fuck you.
I couldn’t write my name ON the can, and I only left it in there long enough to get cold so I could drink it. That doesn’t mean you can help yourself to stuff that isn’t yours.
Lunch went in at 11:10PM and was gone by the time I went to get it at 1:10AM.
Assbitches. 
Yesterday, I was sitting at home and started craving Sbarro Pizza. I haven’t had Sbarro for at least 3 years. But the only Sbarro around here is at the mall, and I am avoiding the mall for the duration. Will someone bring me Sbarro tomorrow at work?
Today, I realized that I’ve been working for the UPS Store for 6 months. Fuck that shit.
I miss “The Office.” Fuck the strike. (Even though I support the WGA. Solidarity!)
I’m broke as a joke.
To the customers at work: fuck pretty much all of you.
To the mandatory meal plan at school that I never have the time to utilize: enjoy my several hundred dollars that I can’t afford to give up.
WHERE’S MY FUCKING CELL PHONE CHARGER?!?!?!?!
Fuck Xmas. I don’t have money to buy food or health insurance, so I won’t be buying any Christmas presents this year. Everyone who I care enough about to buy a present will understand, because they’re great people. But I’m not going to have a gift for them, and I’m going to feel like shit.
Fuck Ambien. I take an Ambien, and lose control of my decision-making ability. I’ll lie in bed at 1:00am and say to myself, “Hey! I need a shovel. I better go to the Walmart in Louisville (which is an hour away) right now and buy a few!” I should note that this actually happened. I’ve never been drunk, but if it’s like that, then fuck alcohol forever.
That reminds me: I turned 21 on the 14th. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol. Everyone acts like that’s the strangest thing they’ve ever heard. Fuck 'em.
To cashiers: When the cost is $12.01, why can’t you just spot me the penny?! Or maybe the $12? Your company makes billions; it’ll be a drop in the bucket!*
Mom: I know my beard is ugly. But it’s No Shave November amongst my friends. And it’s important to me. So stop fucking telling me how ugly my beard is.
Fuck the DVD player at home. Stop choking on spotless DVDs that would work in any other player on the planet.
Coworker: Who doesn’t like Mitch Hedberg? What the hell is wrong with you? The joke itself isn’t all that funny. That’s the goddamned point! Why don’t you go watch an “According to Jim” marathon.
Kroger: I want more than will fit in a basket, but I don’t need a cart. Gimme an intermediate, assbitches! (“Assbitches” is now in my Firefox dictionary. Yay!)
Wow. I didn’t think I had this much hate. I guess a simple “fuck everybody” would have worked. At least this was therapeutic.
And here’s a positive, anti-rant to balance it out: I just recently found out that a close friend has been going through a bunch of the exact same shit that I’ve been going through: shitty job, lack of motivation at school, bad grades, roommate issues, depression, social isolation, death of a grandparent, lack of money, choosing between finishing up a degree we hate (Computer Science) or starting from scratch with what we really love (Math for me, art for him). That wasn’t the positive part. The positive part is this: we’ve talked about it, and both of us have been tremendously helped by the knowledge that we have someone that can relate to our problems. Yay for us.
Also, my best friend has a great new girlfriend. Yay for him.
- Joke
Dear 7th graders,
TAKE A SHOWER.
To the young woman who e-mailed me last night:
I’m straight, female, over 40 and a bit of a prude. No, I don’t see want to see you on your webcam. No, I don’t have any desire to see you or your girlfriends doing things on it. Sorry, that’s not my cup of tea at all. Grow up, go away, and leave me alone. Oh, and to the spambot which I assume sent the thing, learn to tell the difference between male and female.
Yes, I am cranky this morning.
Dear fellow student,
Your weekend crack binge was so bad I can still smell it on your sweat. I’m glad you’re still bothering to come to class, but could you at least try to get that stench off first? I can’t concentrate when my sinuses feel like pincushions.