Help me get it out of his heart.
Guffaw!
Then there was the Texas mama who killed a teenage girl because she beat out the mama’s daughter in a cheerleading competition. There’s just something about Texans and guns. Dunno what it is. In California that might have led to a hair-pulling fight, but in Texas it was a shootout. 
Wanda Holloway. But not quite like you said.
Holloway tried to put a hit on Verna Heath, the other girl’s mother. Holloway was convinced that Amber, the other girl, had only gotten onto the squad through Verna’s manipulations (projection, anyone?), and that if Verna was dead, Amber would naturally quit the squad. (Though I don’t think that would have done Shannen (Wanda’s daughter) any good anyway, because she came in third, not second.)
Anyway, the hit didn’t even come off, because Wanda’s point man was her ex-brother-in-law. He never intended to cooperate; he went to the cops after the first time Wanda approached him about this, and was wired at every meeting they had. Wanda handed over payment, and the cops were at her house before nightfall.
In order to keep the cool on the boards and to prevent *Texas Bashing/Texas Is Full of Wackos in Waco et, *al. trainwrecks of emotions.
May I suggest a more peaceful alternative?
Bash Michigan.
I won’t mind at all.
… and as soon as Delaware has something worth making fun of, step right up and take a swing. Most people go with “it’s so small” which is pretty funny once. Our high school athletics are pretty average, and our gun ownership isn’t anything outlandish. Come to think of it I can’t come up with any serial killers who were from Delaware. Well, okay, there was Pennell, but he only killed 5. That’s pretty half-assed.
Bash Michigan!?
Fine. We’ll just pack up our great lakes and move to Canada where we’ll be appreciated. 
Dude! No! My cousin’s getting married in Ann Arbor in October and my brother and his wife have a new baby and can’t afford passports…!
Delaware? The Worst State?
This is a place that makes a living on lax corporate law. Its usury laws were essentially abolished in an attempt to lure banks and lenders whose predatory lending predispositions were outlawed in other states. A disproportionate percentage of Fortune 500 companies are incorporated there because incorporating in Delaware doesn’t actually require the company to locate its operations there, and because Delaware has the most lax “disclosure, shareholder rights, and fiduciary responsibility” laws in the nation. One-quarter of Delaware’s income comes from corporations eager to avoid the sort of responsibilities that other states require of them.
This crappy little state also gets a good percentage of its revenue by hijacking the people driving through. On a cost-per-mile basis, Delaware’s section of I-95 is 4-5 times as expensive as Maryland or New Jersey. And that’s before you pay the $3 toll on Delaware Memorial Bridge, which is run by Delaware and NJ together.
There, now i’ve bashed Delaware. Happy? 
BTW, for an interesting article on this stuff, see Jonathan Chait, “Rogue State: The Case Against Delaware,” New Republic, August 19/26, 2002.
Too late now. Canada seems pretty happy to have another good hockey team and finally have a good basketball team. The Lions and the Tigers will be loving the lowered expectations that come with being a canadian team playing an american game. The yoopers accent will finally fit in.
Now, off I go to learn the words to “Oh Canada.”
And now that Michiganders are now Canuckians, the beer is better quality!
Passports aren’t necessary when travelling to Canada.
On the Great Lakes, the overwhelming majority of U.S. ships are registered in Delaware. The USX fleet is registered in Pittsburgh (as close as any ship gets to being registered on the Great Lakes), but the rest are all sailing out of Wilmington–icluding all the thousand footers that couldn’t even get to Delaware without being chopped up and shipped there in pieces.
It’s flat. Really flat. At least the part of it I visited. So flat you get an inch of rain and the whole place floods.
I’ve lived in Texas most of my life. I love the state, wouldnt live any where else.
but yeah, first thing I thought of was “this must be in texas”
Its a cultural thing, Many Texans build a religion around high school football.
This appropriate out-of-context moment brought to you by the Stuck Up Canuck Beer-pig Lobby.
Ha! I’ve got one! Your northern border is an arc! (Seriously, why is that?)
Well, okay then! “Dispute over deer stand leaves three dead” would probably be Michigan.
“Body found in oil drum” would be north Jersey. “Environmentalists torch cars in protest” would be Seattle. “Meth lab seized” would probably be downstate Illinois or Iowa. I could do this all night!
Minnesota’s northern border is an angle. Northwest Angle.
Well, we’re the home of Norm Olsen and Terry Nichols…
Oh, Canada, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmm…