“And when I say ‘your father’s lightsaber’, I mean it was the one he happened to be carrying when I hacked him three-quarters to death and left him lying on the lava slopes to burn. He didn’t make it or anything, just grabbed it out of the big lightsaber bin at Jedi School. Not at all special, really.”
Seriously, that particular lightsaber was about as special as “your father’s pocket change”.
Gold, Sampiro, you crazy bastard! Gold!!!
Ben: “See those blast points? Only Imperial stormtroopers are so accurate… if they’re shooting at gigantic Jawa vehicles. The broad side of a barn, as it were. Against small, moving targets like people, though, they’re completely incompetent. Just pathetic. Seriously, they wouldn’t hit you in a million years. You’ll see!”
…
Leia: “Aren’t you a little short to be a stormtrooper? Ignoring the fact that the armor seems to fit you perfectly.”
Actually, I’ve always thought this was kind of prescient. Since it turns out that all Stormtroopers are clones, it follows that they would all be exactly the same height, and it would be easy to pick out one that didn’t belong.
BTW- best thread of the year so far.
Not at all. I posted this exact idea - nearly word for word - sometime last year. Unfortunately, the hamsters won’t tell me where. And Sampiro, nicely done. So far, you win!
Lots of people said George Lucas shouldn’t have written the Star Wars prequels. Now we know who should have written them instead. Sampiro would have made the melodrama more melo and I think he would’ve added a nice Southern flair. Anyway…
"That’s no moon. It’s a space station. … Which was half-built 20 years ago but has somehow only been finished just now, and which we’ll later learn can be built pretty darn fast, so I guess they ran into a union snafu or had a big fight with the interior decorator or something, because they should have been using this thing to crush everybody and eliminate the rebellion before it even got off the ground decades ago. So yunno, I’m really wondering how the rebels didn’t know about this thing when it’s been under construction for so long. What have they been doing with themselves?
Maybe the Jedis were viewed like the CIA, or the Masons. Some shadowy organization that was surrounded by all kinds of unbelievable mythology, the focus of rampant conspiracy theories, which was dismissed by the cynical as mostly fiction.
Nute Gunray, head of the Trade Federation, had no idea what Jedi could do at the beginning of the Phantom Menace. His aide had to point out that his dubious plan to murder those chaps from Coruscant was probably not going to work because they were Jedi.
Well, it did have the crusty bloodstains from all the little Jedi children that Luke’s father had slaughtered. That’s special.
Ben: “This was your father’s lightsaber. He’d have wanted you to have it. You know, since he wasn’t able to slaughter you like he did all the other Force-sensitive kids, he’d’ve probably wanted you to have the chance of cutting off your hands or head or something in a training accident, 'cause you’ll have to pick this up on your own, since I’ll be dead soon. Great guy, your father; a true friend. Well, if you weren’t a kid, I guess.”
(the ultimate SW geek)
-I believe Obi-Wan said “Your father WOULD’VE wanted you to have this…blah blah blah.”
-Uncle Owen not knowing Threepio. Well, remember the 3P0 and other droids like him were extremely common. Threepio, IIRC, was built with spare parts-so wouldn’t Anakin have used old protocol droid parts?
-Since the Jedi were involved with the government, naturally Obi-Wan would’ve known Bail.
-Yoda taught ALL of the Jedi-remember him with the Youglings, showing them how to use their lightsabers and such? He was probably like, the head teacher and all that. So it WAS true, from a certain point of view…
-I think the second DS was already under construction when they were building the first, but wasn’t “ready” yet. Or something.
Okay, that being said:
Darth Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. The last time I met you, you were conspiring with my wife to kill me. Probably fucking her behind my back, you son of a bitch.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Dude, I hid in the fucking TOILET so I could follow her and find you to kick your ass. I think I earned a little tail on the side.
Vader: You fucking, pompous, know-it-all jackass.
Obi-Wan: Damned spoiled little brat. I kicked your sorry ass once-I could do it again.
Obi-Wan: When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. I was wrong. Whiny little brat, always sneaking off and killing native populations. Yoda would have whipped his ass if HE had trained him.
Emperor Palpatine: Ah yes, a Jedi’s weapon, much like you father’s. By now you must know that your father can never be turned from the Dark Side. So will it be with you.
Luke Skywalker: You’re wrong. Soon I’ll be dead, and you with me.
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, right. If friggin’ Yoda couldn’t kick my ass, then I doubt a whiny little puss like you could.’
Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
Palpatine: There is a great disturbance in the Force.
Darth Vader: I have felt it.
Emperor Palpatine: We have a new enemy: the young Rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt that this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
Darth Vader: How is that possible? I choked his mother to death before he was born-lousy traitorous bitch.
Darth: Wait, I killed padme and the kid, right? I mean, YOU TOLD ME I did!
Palpatine: Uh…
Darth: So how the hell is MY SON a danger to us?!
Palpatine: Well, you see…
Darth: And I’m not buying any of that, “From a certain point of view” crap!
Palpatin: Shit. Ok, OK. My bad. Padme died but the kids…
Darth: KIDS? There’s more than one?!
Palpatine: Yeah.
Darth: Oh my god! I’ve got kids running around motherless and I haven’t paid a dime in child support! If the Imperial Child Services finds out, I might as well change my name to “Darth Deadbeat.”
Palpatine: Don’t worry, the girl was raised by Senator Organa…Oops.
Darth: Wait, it’s Leia Organa? I* tortured* her. In the detention block. Holy shit.
Palpatine: It was just a mind probe.
Darth: Great. So I’ve tried to kill my son in a dogfight and I’ve tortured my daughter in prison. I guess I’m the Bing Crosby of the Sith.
Vader: “It is useless to resist, my son. I mean, look at me…I had one bad day at work and BAMMO! – dark side.”
I’ve never seen that, but damn it’s good! 
Is that from Lucas himself? I don’t usually think of Lucas as having much of a sense of humor but then I don’t usually think of hardcore STAR WARS fans having enough of a budget and talent pool to pull that off.
I have seen the famous student film George Lucas in Love (which supposedly George himself liked). Great way to make a short comedy and suck up to somebody who can really open shield doors in the industry for you. (I’d have made Yoda a senile grandmother from “some other country” he goes to visit, though.)
Sweeeeet.
oops.
Palpatine: See, this is why I didn’t tell you. It’s always melodrama with you. 'Look at me, I’m Darth Vader! I wear a helmet I bought in a spaceport gift shop for $15 bucks and turn my voice modulator to ‘God on steroids’ ‘cause I think it makes me sound cool, but every day I go home and go my room and cry and write in my diary. Wah wah wah, I killed my wife, I’m so sad, I want to ride away a unicorn.’ Get over it already.
Vader: Just a mind probe? Are you nuts? When do you think a guy wearing a CPAP machine like its a f&ckin’ pager is gonna get a chance to hit somethin’ that fine?
Palpatine: You mean you …
Vader: Goddamn right I did. Thanks.
By the time of “A New Hope,” there were non-clones in the force, because… well, don’t ask me why, but there were non-clones. One of them figured out the weakness of AT-ATs (the tow-rope tripping) and got sent to Tatooine to bury the knowledge. I had to look him up on the Wookieepedia- his name is Davin Felth. He’s the one who says “Look, sir- droids.”
And to think he didn’t get an Oscar for that!
Luke: “You don’t believe in the force do you?”
Han: “And you do? You first heard about it twelve hours ago from Grandad over there. What makes you so sure?”
Luke sitting with Leia just after Ben’s death.
Luke “I just can’t believe he’s gone”
Leia “Yesterday when your foster parents of ninteen years got burned alive you said ‘fuck it, lets go on an adventure with a strange old man’. He gets killed and now you go all emo ? What, was he your lover or something?”
LUKE: But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?
BEN: Obi Wan Kenobi… that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. Not even when I go into town to get my checks cashed. Then I just use the force— “This old guy doesn’t need to show ID”… “Round up the check to the nearest 100 credits” “Throw in some fried Bantha skins just to keep him coming back”. You know another name I haven’t heard in a long time? Jar-Jar. Just not a lot of people naming their kids that anymore. I wonder why?
BEN: You must learn the ways of the Force if you’re to come with me to
Alderaan.
LUKE: (laughing) Alderaan? I’m not going to Alderaan. I’ve got to go
home. It’s late, I’m in for it as it is.
BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I’m getting too old
for this sort of thing. To be honest, I’m not even sure why she’s asking for my help. Last time I helped her dad I was twenty years younger and at the height of my game and it still resulted in the downfall of a millenniums old Republic and the deaths of every last Jedi from the Younglings to the Oldest and most seasoned except for me and whichever ones they need to use in future plot lines. The forces of evil incarnate took over the Galaxy, Yoda went crazy and started thinking his radio was Qui Gonn Jinn talking to him then went to Gator World, your father— I mean, Darth Vader---- became the dark lord heir apparent to a genocidal emperor, and your mom… I mean, the dowager princess of Naboo died from a depressive episode- I’m still working on that one- and essentially all the universe as we knew it ceased to exist even though there were thousands of Jedis and loyal armies. Now I’m an old man who’s spent 20 years in a cave on Arrakis…
LUKE: Tattooine…
BEN: Whatever, both are deserts with huge worms- the point is I’m an old man who hasn’t had a Jedi workout in 20 years and doesn’t even own a short-wave set or a droid. If I’m their only hope then… I hate to say it Luke, but they’re fucked. Unless… and it’s possible… the whole thing is an elaborate ruse… some sort of a surprise party for me. Which is possible I suppose. God knows I could use a vacation to get the sand out of my beard… Well anyway, you’ve got to learn the Force if you’re to come with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: I can’t get involved! I’ve got work to do! It’s not that I like
the Empire. I hate it! But there’s nothing I can do about it right
now. It’s such a long way from here.
BEN: That’s your uncle talking.
LUKE: (sighing) Oh, God, my uncle. How am I ever going to explain
this?
BEN: Learn about the Force, Luke. Then you can tell him he sent you to Alderaan and that he insisted you use his credit card on the way.
LUKE: I can’t go with you Ben!
BEN: Oh okay. Fine. Alright. I never really expected any gratitude for risking my life to save yours when you were a baby. An army of a billion clones programmed since their laboratory conception to destroy me on the loose, all over the galaxy, and here’s me, could have been living really high on the womprat in a nice suburb of Naboo posing as a spice salesman instead of flying to this godforsaken Death Valley planet to waste away in a desert just so you’d have a chance at a normal life, why should you owe me anything? Never mind, never worry about me, I’ll get by somehow. You just go have fun with your friend Bugsy…
LUKE: Biggs…
LUKE: It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right. Look, here are
Gaffi sticks, Bantha tracks. It’s just…I never heard of them hitting
anything this big before.Ben is crouching in the sand studying the tracks.
BEN: They didn’t. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are
side by side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers. And these blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only
Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.
LUKE: Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter Jawas?
Ben: Did you ever get close enough to smell one’s breath? They’re disgusting creatures. They eat raw lizards and have five gizzards. But this wasn’t the work of Sandpeople. They’re not known for anything this organized. I mean, your father wiped out every man woman and child in a Sandpeople village and yet when I left you as a defenseless infant with his farmer relatives at the same farm where they abducted her they never sought vengeance, even though it’s almost like I was saying “Neener neener nah nah!” to them. I mean, even with there practically being a all frequencies transmitter beaming “Newborn human, only son of the guy who mercilessly slaughtered your people, come-and-get-it!” not once did they even try. And how hard could it have been? There’s your amputee step-grandpa and Beru and Owen who when they were a whole lot younger couldn’t stop your grandma from being kidnapped.
Luke looks back at the speeder where Artoo and Threepio are
inspecting the dead Jawas, and put two and two together.
LUKE: If they traced the robots here, they may have learned who they
sold them to. And that would lead them home!
Han Solo has just left Jabba after his confrontation after Mos Eisley.
JABBA (in Huttese): That will show him! The double payment or he is dead!
long awkward silence among Jabba’s henchmen
JABBA: What? Why so quiet?
finally Boba Fett breaks the silence
BOBA FETT: Did you really just let that bitch step on your tail?
JABBA: Wha…? Oh, well…
BOBA: You did! You totally let that bitch step on your tail!
Henchmen: Yeah… he did… totally did that shit
JABBA: Hey… it’s not like it hurts or anything…
BOBA: He just dissed you! He disrespected you in front of your men! When he owes you money and should have been pleading for his life! Are you sweet on this guy?
JABBA: What? He’s not even my species! No!
BOBA: Cause I’ve heard the rumors! I’ve heard you’re into human boys!
JABBA: You’re… I… no such…
BOBA: Cause if he can step on your tail I’m wondering what else he can get away with? Hey, I’m a human boy, maybe if I wear some tight pants and shake it a little you’ll let me get away with kicking you in the nads!
JABBA: Just try it! I…
Henchman 3: It all makes sense! You know his court is basically a big gay bar!
Henchman 2: Right down to the interspecies drag queens!
Henchman 4: Bib Fortuna ought to be giving out poppers at the door while the droids pass out glowstick!
BOBA: Pull the trap door and it’s even raining men!
Henchman 2: And Jabba’s got that poodle thing!
JABBA: Poodle? He’s an omnivorous lizard like pet! And what about the Rangor!
Henchman 3: The one the bear guy in the leather pants and spiked collar watches for you down in the sex room?
JABBA: It’s a DUNGEON!
Henchman 2: Mmm-hmmm.
JABBA: I’m straight! I only like Hutts! GIRL HUTTS! You’ve met my woman!
Henchman 3: Yeah, for about two seconds.
Henchman 4: Total cameo beard.
BOBA: When, coincidentally, Jabba’s in public…
Henchman 1: And the cameras are on…
Henchman 2: Never saw her again…
Henchman 4: Or before…
BOBA: I’m one of a billion clones of the same guy, but even I wouldn’t let a bitch who owes me money disrespect me in front of my posse!
JABBA: I’ll show you who’s got a thing for human boys! Just wait til we get back to the palace! You know I’ve always had a thing for big boobed human like women! That’s right, I said WOMEN! WOMEN WOMEN WOMEN!!! You’re gonna see that place look like a bitchling factory when I get back!
BOBA: I’ll believe it when I see it!
JABBA: It’s gonna be such a bitch factory I’ll even have one chained to me wearing a bikini!
Henchman: What about the drag queen singers?
Henchman 2: And that gay pride float?
JABBA: IT’S A FUCKING PLEASURE BARGE!
Henchman 3: M-hmm. A pleasure barge where I’ve never seen that Hutt bitch pleasuring anything.
JABBA: Maximum weight limit! Safety precautions!
BOBA: I’ve never even seen a human woman!
JABBA: Well you’re about too! I’ve been holding my riotous horndog side in, but you’re gonna see some trophy bitches connected to me by bling!
BOBA: Well and good my lord.
[as they returned to the palace]
Henchman 2: He’s not fooling anyone.
Henchman 3: Oh space gods no.
Boba: He’d let that Corellian dip him in salt and look for the shrivelling spot all day long.
Henchman 1: At least while he’s overcompensating we’ll finally get to see some boobs around the place.
Henchman 2: Maybe he’ll get one of those 4 boobed girls from that planet with the nipples.
Henchman 3: My guess… he’s gonna get an androgynous Asian chick. Just wait and see.
Perfection in an ocean of brilliance.