PRINCESS LEIA: The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear that you have attacked a diplomatic mission–
DARTH VADER: Don’t play games with me, Leia Organa. You aren’t on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system, ignoring numerous warnings and completely disregarding orders to turn about–until it no longer mattered. Young lady, you are grounded until you are thirty!
PRINCESS: Oh! I hate you!
HAN: You said it Chewie. Where did you dig up that old fossil?
LUKE: Ben is a great man!
HAN: Yeah great at getting us in trouble.
LUKE: Well I didn’t hear you give any ideas.
HAN: Anything’s better than sitting around waiting for them to pick us up. Or pick us off, like they did to all those Jedi years ago.
LUKE: Huh?
HAN: You know, the Coruscant Jedi Temple Massacre. You must have heard the stories of the infamous “Order 66”.
LUKE: Ummm… not really.
HAN: Oh my god!! You don’t know anything about the history of the Jedi and you want to be one?
LUKE: HEY!!! I’m just startin’ here.
HAN: Whatever Kid. Anyways, you know what the worst part is?
LUKE: No.
HAN: I hear that it all could have been avoided if someone simply looked in a dictionary to find the definition of the word “balance.” 
Nitpick: I thought Boba wasn’t a clone – that he was the son of Jango? Otherwise, funny, funny stuff! One more and you have the hat trick, Sampiro!
I always figured it was either the rate of attrition in the fight against the Rebels or even the Clone War earlier, or the need to rapidly expand the force to consolidate the Emperor’s hold on the Empire.
Boba was a “special” clone, that Jango took as payment. 'Cause apparently he couldn’t get one the usual way…
Makes you wonder if Jango ever worked for Jabba…
Luke has just sold his landspeeder to the Jawa in Mos Eisley.
LUKE: He says it’s the best he can do. Since the XP-38 came out,
they’re just not in demand. Too bad you can’t do that force “This is not the best price you can do… pay him double blue book value” thing with Jawas.
BEN: Well, to be fair the XP-38 must have come out decades and decades ago. Long ago when I was young I was driving speeders on Coruscant that would fly 20 miles off the ground and at almost supersonic speed. All that one does is hover 3 feet and it’s so rusty its nickname should be Bondo Calrissian.
Darth Vader: Your powers are weak old man.
Obi Wan:Last time you said that, you ended up deep fried
Ben: Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force. And when I mean seduced, I mean literally, by your mother. That woman was full of dark side energy. She was after all the protage of the same guy who is now Emperor.
Darth Vader: Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him.
Governor Tarkin: If you’re right, he must not be allowed to escape.
Darth Vader: Escape is not his plan. I must face him, alone.
Governor Tarkin: Yeah, how’d that work out for you last time? I’m sending a platoon of Storm Troopers down there.
Darth Vader: What is thy bidding my master?
Emperor Palpatine: There is a great disturbance in the force
Darth Vader: I have felt it.
Emperor Palpatine: We have a new enemy, the young rebel who destroyed the death star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker.
Darth Vader: Uhhh…why are you talking about me in the third person like I’m not standing right here?
Ben: Listen, if I was any good at this kind of thing would I have changed my name to Ben Kenobi?
Luke listens to Yoda. The Emperor uses force lighting on Luke. Luke tries to deflect it with his light saber. The force lighting causes the light saber to turn inward, killing Luke.
Yoda knew, in regards to Luke, “Much to learn you still have.”
Nope, doesn’t work.
Ben When I first met Anakin he was already a great pilot. I thought I could train him as well as master Yoda. Actually, I only heard he was a good pilot, from my own master who had a bit of a creepy interest in him. I thought he was dangerous and so did Yoda who insisted he not be trained. Your own mother thought was he was strange. I only agreed to train him in order to fulfill my masters dying wish. Damn, I should have force pushed the little tyke out of an air lock when I had the chance.
“Mos Eisley Spaceport and Intergalactic Raceway, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy and wriggly creatures constantly passing in your field of view.”
Darth Vader: Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am…wait what? Obi-Wan said that I killed Anakin? Oh that’s just rich, man. Fucking rich. He cut off Anakin’s arms and legs with a lightsaber.
Luke: He did WHAT?
Darth Vader: and left him for dead 20 feet from a river of lava
Luke: What the hell, man!
Darth Vader: And the lava caught his body on fire. It was a pretty awful mess.
Luke: That’s impossible!!!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Luke: BEN? BEN GET DOWN HERE!
Obi-Wan: Whoa. The Force is strong with you.
Luke: Cut the crap, Ben. Did you cut off my dad’s arms and legs with a lightsaber?
Obi-Wan: Not both arms. Just his left one.
Darth Vader: My right one was already cut off!
Luke: Wait, what? Are you my father?
Darth Vader: Connect the dots here, kid. It’s not that hard.
Obi-Wan: (muttering) You know, I had the high ground…
Darth Vader: Oh not THIS shit again. Do you know how often we switched “high ground” during that fight? Like a dozen times apiece. That fight lasted forever!
Obi-Wan: Yeah, we were both in pretty good shape to do that many backflips in a row.
Darth Vader: And what the hell gave you the right to go all revisionist history on me. Own up to it, man!
Obi-Wan: Luke. Um. OK, sorry. But you know, what I said was true…from a certain point of view.
Darth Vader: Are. You. Kidding me?!?
Luke: OK, this is just messed up. If either of you need me, I’ll be somewhere at the bottom of this shaft.
The scene, carbon chamber on Bespin, Han Solo about to be frozen.
Vader: You there, wookiee, what is that strapped to your back? Turn around. Droid, what is your designation?
C-3PO: I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations. I am fluent in ove…
Vader: THREEPIO! I thought I would never see you again! You sure were a swell droid even before you had a shell. So how have you been since Padme died?
C-3PO: Padme? I’m afraid I don’t know any Padme. Must’ve been someone I knew before one of my memory wipes. If only Artoo was here, he’d probably know. The rotten little bugger always manages to avoid getting wiped.
Vader: ARTOO! I loved that guy is he here?
C-3PO: I’m afraid not, he’s off on some errand with Master Luke. I’m sure he’ll be along soon enough though. I just can’t seem to shake him for very long.
Vader: You, ugnaught! The ugly one. No the other ugly one. Yes you. Get this droid off that smelly thing and see to his repairs. Be careful, no damage must befall this one.
C-3PO: Thank the maker!
Vader: You’re welcome.
…coutd
Leia: Whoa, that lady you mentioned, Padme, she won’t by any chance be Padme Amidala of Naboo?
Vader: The same.
Leia: Thats so wizard, she was my mom, she died when I was like 45 seconds old but I still have feelings about her.
Vader: Get off, she was my secret wife and died pregnant with our kid. How strange is that?
Leia: That would make you my step dad or something…wait, actually that woukd mean that.
Vader:…I am your father…no no that’s not true, thats impossible!!! Luke, is my son.
Leia: Oh god, this means…
Vader: My god, the detention level on the Death Star, we…
Leia: Yes we did
Vader:NNNOOOOOO !!!
Leia: And Luke, damn, oh I wish I had known before.
Han: You can write this shit, you sure cannot say it.