Read my scholarship essay? Pretty please?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Believe me, if the application was BAD, you just would have gotten “Wow, you need to redo this.” So it does look good, in a sense. It just needs tightening, which is always true of the early draft of an important document.

Remember Strunk’s advice: Omit unnecessary words. Here, I’ll pick on your last paragraph:

Why not just say “I promise to do everything in my power”? (By the way, I like this promise as a closing.) “I promise” means exactly the same thing as “I offer my promise” and is much tighter and sounds better. Eliminate one or two words here and there, and pretty soon you’ve saved 100-200 words and can replace them with real content.

22

Right, this.

On a paragraph level I go with the plain old “State thesis, then give support statements” structure. I once worked in a writing center on a campus, which is where I learned that business people can have a conniption if their questions aren’t answered in order; I guess they want to point to the answers to a grant, not have to look for them, etc. Rotary=a bunch of business people, right?

OP: While a lot of places it may seem that I put in a lot of useless information, which I sort of did, I did it primarily to show that I’ve researched this application quite thoroughly and take it seriously.

I’d try to handle that with a phrase or sentence here and there or one paragraph. I’d also tone down things like “I promise to do everything in my power” to something more likely, reasonable, commensurate, etc. with your gratitude. As written, they may come off as glittering generalities or pie-in-the-sky dreams. These may speak to your audience but I would prefer something more concrete, rational. Like you’ll be on your death bed, still reaching out?

Overall I think it’s a good first draft. Please don’t take constructive criticism the wrong way…writing is hard and you need fresh eyes sometimes to read and provide feedback. :wink:

23

Alright, I’ve cleaned it up, and hopefully this one will cut the mustard. Drinks on me if I get this thing.

Rotary International should consider me for the Academic Year Ambassadorial Scholarship because its goals and values line up so well with my own future plans.

I want to use the field of communications to enhance environmental protection. This can be accomplished by changing societal attitudes towards environmental protection so that stronger environmental protection laws may pass. A sewage spill at Hurricane Creek last September sparked my interest in protecting the environment when, despite the health concerns of millions of gallons of raw sewage spilling into a small creek, most people remained ambivalent to the pollution.

Attitudes towards environmental protection are slowly changing. Citizens around the country are calling for municipal recycling programs and tighter enforcement of existing regulations. Much of this success can be atributed to the popular “green” marketing campaigns, but there is much work to do.

An effective environmental communications program is needed internationally. With developing countries quickly becoming the world’s largest polluters, international pressure to create a shared sustainable future is mounting. The urgent need to curtail pollution in these developing nations has not been communicated effectively. The single greatest failure of the environmental community is the breakdown in the linking of environment and health. According to a 2007 World Health Organization study, 40% of deaths worldwide are caused by pollution, yet the idea of “environmental protection” is tainted by an image of endangered snow owls and cave shrimp.

This is why I want to go to school. This is what I want to change. This is my role in the world.

I would like to study at the Universität Erfurt, Westfälische Wilhelms-Universität Münster, University of the Philippines Los Baños, Universität Salzburg, or Universität Wien. Each has been selected because it will not only provide me a top ranked education in communications, but also because each culture has something new and unknown to offer.

The University of the Philippines Los Baños offers the world’s premier development communications program, a field dedicated to enacing positive social change. Historically the curriculum has focused on educational communication, science communication, strategic communication and health communication. One of the most biodiverse countries in the world, the Philippines is an excellent location to study on behalf of the environment.

In Germany I hope to improve my German and learn first-hand this country’s international excellence in environmental protection. I will bring back the communication strategies used in Germany to more effectively promote environmental protection. According to the CHE university ranking compiled by the DAAD, Univeristät Erfurt and Universität Münster both have top-ranked communications departments. Through researching Erfurt and Münster, I’ve found Stammtisch events similar to the one I currently attend in Tuscaloosa. At Stammtisch, German and English-speaking people to come together over drinks to tell stories and get to know one another better.

Universität Efrurt’s curriculum emphasises intercultural and political communications. To influence the policies of these developing nations I will need to master both specializations. In addition to communications courses, I plan to take courses in the Erfurt School of Public Policy, where I can gain insight into the issues involved in implementing environmental policy.

The Westfälische Wilhelms-Univerität Münster has a strong emphasis on technology and political communication. My work history in IT demonstrates that I have necessary experience to use the advanced technology of this University to further my goal of spreading international environmental cooperation.

In Austria, the two institutions I would like to attend are Univerität Wien in Vienna and Univerität Salzburg in Salzburg.

Vienna is one of the most environmentally conscious cities in the entire world. I would concentrate my volunteer efforts at coordinating with the city government’s “Vienna, Naturally” environmental awareness program. The Univerität Wien specializes in intercultural communications and media studies, where I would learn the essentials of media psychology, policy, and economics. One of the oldest universities in Europe, Univerität Wien is full of history. The possibilities for friendship are limitless with 72,000 students studying at this University.

Only the fourth-largest city in the country of Austria, Salzbug certainly gets its share of American tourists, but I would hate for the city’s impression of Americans to be only from our tourists. Were I to attend this University, I would use the university’s Center for Advanced Studies and Research in Information and Communication Technologies & Society, a research center dedicated to enacting positive social change, to further my goal of communicating across cultures the link between environmental degradation and poor health.

Whomever I meet will get a personal taste of true Southern hospitality, which is rooted in family, friends, and food. The best way to share a culture is through food I bring authentic Southern food like sweet tea and grits wherever I go. I now hold regular dinner parties in my apartment, a tradition I will carry on in whatever city I am assigned, so long as I remember to bring my favorite chef’s knife, “Caroline.”

Another way I will make sure my friendships endure with the people I meet abroad is to encourage them to come back to America and stay with me, much the way I stayed with my friend Peter in Regensburg, Renee in Köln, and Emma in Tours two years ago.

After graduation, I will start my search for graduate schools, where I can continue my studies in
International, Political, and Environmental Communication. The short list of graduate schools I will appy to are the University of Denver, Cornell, George Washington University, and Oregon University.

Ultimately, I hope for my career to bring me to a job as Director of Communications for an international environmental advocacy group such as the World Wildlife Fund or even to serve as a campaign lobbyist for groups like the Center for Climate Strategies, which is focused on helping the United States, Canada, and Mexico confront problems such as global warming and the need for clean energy and a safe environment.

Too many people around the world are dying from our increasingly polluted environment, and part of the problem is an unfocused communications strategy by movement that has been poisoned by a negative public image.

As a volunteer I plan to continue the work I’m currently doing with the Alabama Environmental Council in its “Greener Way for UA” campaign, promoting waste reduction and recycling through public events, letters to the editor, and PR campaigns.

The opportunity to apply for this scholarship couldn’t have come at a better time. While I have been fortunate enough to have my mother and grandmother’s support, the credit crisis and housing bubble have severely affected my family’s finances. Combined, my mother and grandmother have been in real estate for more than seventy years. Both agree that this is the worst year they have ever seen. Additionally, my mother has accumulated a significant amount of medical bills thanks to an as-yet undiagnosed abdominal illness. I know that if I were to have a year of school funded by this scholarship it would remove a tremendous source of stress, and give my mother the energy she needs to care for my younger brother.

Rotary International’s goal of efecting positive social change and creating lasting friendships are my own. I will use the education and life experience to encourage responsible use of the environment not just in Alabama but internationally as well.

Thank you for considering me for the Ambassadorial Scholarship.

24

Not sure about the overall. I think it reads pretty well up until “The opportunity to apply…” Just before that, with the suggested combination of paragraphs, could make a strong ending.

25

I’ll begin by saying what I say to my students: if there’s lots of red ink that’s a good sign. It means I’ve found something worth questioning. If your essay really stank you’d only get a few comments to the effect that it’s all irrelevant or unclear. If it’s really good I’ll probably cover it with ink suggesting corrections to make it better.

First the good news: it’s well written, unless you’ve got some strong competition it would certainly make it through the first round. Your writing skills are pretty good for an undergrad. Better than mine were at that stage.

However to me it lacks punch. I also think that it goes wide of the target in most areas. That’s not to say that it’s dreadful, I just think that you’re not fully understanding why you’re writing this. It s a bit hard to know where to go when I don’t know your history, but I think that you can do much better with minimal effort.

These committees have to wade through hundreds of these applications, and they do so, particularly in the early stages, with a clipboard and checklist. They want very clear evidence that your proposal is the one that best meets their goals. That why they spell out the goals very clearly: so you can address them directly. You want to try to get a tick in every box in the early stages just to get passed otthe latter stages. Only when you get to the final stages without elimination do you get the chance to dazzle them with your writing style. The style is important, but not getting eliminated in the first rounds is far, far more important.

And I say this as someone who has put in more funding applications then I can remember. Feedback from the declined applications show that 98% of the time rejection is in the early stages because the goals weren’t clearly met. Only a tiny majority get past that hurdle to be rejected due to lack of style.
I’m also confused about what you are actually applying for. In your post you state that you are a senior writing a scholarship application for grad school next year. Yet in your application you state that “after graduation, I will start my search for graduate schools”. So what exactly is this scholarship for? Is this an honours year, a volounteer year or what?

It’s more succinct, but now it’s a bit vague and too much of non-sequitur for an introduction. Just comes out of the blue and then gives no hint of where it’s going to. The introductory paragraph is where you should be outlining the main thrust of your application. Spell out why and how your goals and values line up so well, in brief terms that you can expand in later.
I’d suggest something more like
“I wish to be considered for Academic Year Ambassadorial Scholarship. I’m a graduating senior from X with a major in Y and my commitment to using communications to enhance environmental protection through changing societal attitudes and future plans of Z align well with the Objectives of the scholarship program.” .

I really don’t like this paragraph for all sorts of reasons. From a purely technical POV the health concerns of millions of gallons of raw sewage really aren’t important. Who cares what health concerns raw sewage has. :D. What you really mean of course are the health concerns caused by raw sewage.

Aside from the technical, I don’t like the vibe of this paragraph. It comes across preachy in a very undergrad/high school way. You are stating that most people were wrong to be ambivalent and that you and your college buddies were right to be concerned and to want tougher laws. Without some strong evidence or reasoning that seems awfully smug and condescending. Most concerning for your application, it paints a poor picture of you awareness of and respect for cultural differences, one of the stated objectives of the scholarship… If you are so critical of your differences with the vast majority of people in your own home town it doesn’t look good for your ability to respect people in other countries. Talking about forcibly changing societal attitudes thorough legislation, immediately after implying that the majority are wrong to hold attitudes that you don’t agree with, is the very antithesis of respecting cultural diversity. It makes it sound like you’re going to go abroad and explain to those damn foreigners how stupid they are not to agree with you on how important the environment is and then brainwash then produce propaganda so that laws will pass forcing everyone to treat the environment how you want.
Not that I’m saying you are like that, but that is the way I’m reading this.

My next problem is you saying that your interest in protecting the environment only began three months ago. That make s it look like this is just another college student with a short term commitment to a trendy cause. If you have only been interested in this cause for three months then I would hide the fact, not advertise it. If, as I suspect, your interest is older than that then don’t say otherwise.

Finally, and most importantly, the paragraph seems to have no relevance to the given selection criteria. It doesn’t really explain why you are applying for this scholarship (as opposed to applying for a job or any other scholarship). It doesn’t clarify your proposed field of study or your proposed project area. I’m struggling to see why the panel would care about this spill.
To the extent that this paragraph can be salvaged I suggest something like:

I want the opportunity to use the skills and knowledge I have gained in the field of communications (is this your field BTW? You don’t make it clear) to enhance environmental services for people worldwide. * Explain here why environmental issues are also humanitarian issues to make this relevant to the program objectives*. Many of the world’s environmental problems can be attributed to a lack of awareness of the issues and a lack of understanding of the need for change and I would like the opportunity to tackle that issue.Effective communication of the issues can provide people with a greater ability to contribute to environmental protection and sustainability.

Not bad, but I’d change the order a little.
“Green” marketing campaigns are one example of the way in which effective communication can have on environmental protection, with such campaigns resulting in citizens around the country calling for municipal recycling programs and tighter enforcement of existing regulations. Effective environmental communications programs of this sort are needed internationally, with developing countries quickly becoming the world’s largest polluters I would also stress here how the people of the developing world are also the ones that suffer most from pollution, through environmental degradation, disease and the effects of GW. You are trying to sell the humanitarian and selfless service aspects here remember, so stress that and not the effect it has on you and your country. International pressure to create a shared sustainable future is mounting *This seems poorly phrased. If international pressure is mountingthen doesn’t that make you project redundant? The humanitarian need to curtail pollution in these[/strikethrough] developing nations has not been communicated effectively I think that the need to curtail pollution is pretty clear to everyone, your point is that the humanitarian aspect has been forgotten. The single greatest failure of the environmental community is * That’s one heck of a claim, and one I would avoid making without some damn good evidence the breakdown in the linking of environment and health. According to a 2007 World Health Organization study, 40% of deaths worldwide are caused by pollution, yet the idea of “environmental protection” is tainted dominated by images of endangered snow owls and cave shrimpare these really the best examples to use? Aren’t pandas and whales more common symbols of EP?.

From here it all gets a bit unfocussed.

But you haven’t actually explained what you want to study or what precisely your role is. Maybe it becomes clearer when someone has read your CV, but this essay needs to stand alone, and so far you haven’t even said what you intend to study. You’ve vaguely alluded to communication as being the problem, but never mentioned what you will be studying. Remember, there are many types of degree out there, and the panel has no way of knowing what you are actually studying

So, tell me clearly and succinctly, what will you be studying? State outright “ I intend to study journalism as it relates to the communication of environmental issues” or “ I want to hone my skills in advertising copywriting to produce advertising campaigns for an illiterate target audience in Bangladesh” or “I want to expand the communications skills needed to communicate my enthusiasm and knowledge of Marine Biology to a wider audience”. As you can see form those three examples, at this stage I have no idea what your studies to date have been are or what precisely you plan to do with this scholarship beyond “communicating environmental issues”.

So please, tell the reader what your proposed field of study is and explanation of how these plans will support The Rotary Foundation’s mission to further world understanding and peace. You really, really, really need to address this point clearly. I can’t stress this enough. So far you have been far too vague to allow the review panel to make up their minds about how important your study actually is.

This is very confusing. I can’t even easily tell how many universities are on that list. Remember a lot of Institutions have names like “University of California, Los Angles”, so a list with commas becomes unclear, particularly with foreign language names. You also don’t mention where those universities are, yet later refer offhand to “In Germany I hope to…”. This is very confusing when two of your universities are in Austri. I’d suggest

Six universities offer excellent opportunities for whatever it is I want to study.

The Universität Erfurt in Germany offers a curriculum that emphasises intercultural and political communications. To influence the policies of these developing nations I will need to master both specializations. In addition to communications courses, I plan to take courses in the Erfurt School of Public Policy, where I can gain insight into the issues involved in implementing environmental policy.
The Westfälische Wilhelms-Univerität Münster, also located in Germany, has a strong emphasis on technology and political communication. My experience in IT will enable me to make the most effective use of the advanced technology of this University to further my goal of spreading international environmental cooperation.
University of the Philippines Los Baños etc….

You refer to your “experience in IT” and the “advanced technology of this University” as though the reader is already familiar with these. We are not and the review panel almost certainly is not. Do not assume that the panel will read the essay with your CV in the other hand They probably won’t. This essay should be a stand alone document. That goes double for the “advanced technology”. All universities have advanced technology by definition, that’s why they are universities. If this university has something relevant then spell out for us what it is and why you think it’s relevant to the criteria on the application form.

Anyway, that’s enough for now.

Overall I think it needs more focus, especially on the selection criteria. Refer everything back to those points in point 2 of the essays section. If you can’t make it relevant then it probably isn’t relevant to your application.
What I would want to see if I was going through the scholarship application is picture of a student with very clear goals in mind that are in keeping with Rotary’s goals. Avoid vague statements about helping the environment, everybody says that. Talk about what you very specifically intend to learn. You want to learn how to run a PR campaign, you want to learn how to co-ordinate a political lobby campaign and so forth. And then tell me very clearly and specifically how that is in keeping with Rotary’s goals. Keep focusing in what Rotary wants, not what you want.
Give me specifics Treat it like a job application. Let me know precisely what Rotary is going to be getting for the money that they spend on you.

You’ve got a pretty strong application, and your writing skills are good, I just think that you’re not selling yourself to the panel as well as you could. Convince me that you are going to be the best applicant to meet Rotary’s goals

26

It sounds like you want them to give you money to get drunk with co-eds. Say, At Stammtisch, German and English-speaking people come together in a relaxed environment to promote understanding of cultures and encourage friendship with those of different backgrounds.

27

I gotta be honest with you, this is one of those essays I would probably reject There’s no one thing that’s immediately wrong with it but it’s just vaguely sitting on this side of mediocre.

Here’s what I see your problem as: you need to develop a strong and consistent message and hammer that message home over and over again. Right now, you’re trying to play it safe by taking on 3 or 4 different messages but that’s a failing approach and it just turns out a lumpy, uninspired mess. The start of the essay jumps from position to position and I can’t get a handle on your character. There’s no burning purpose and drive that I can see behind this.

In your first paragraph, your message was “it’s a crime that people aren’t more involved about their local community” and then it jumps right into “with just a bit more effort, we could get over the hump” and then it’s “I have the solution to the environment problem: linking pollution to health”. Pick ONE of these and hammer it home.

Same for the second part, I don’t get any coherent thread about why you chose these particular universities. Sure, you make a great speech about why each university individually is great but it’s trivial to write a single paragraph on why any university is great. Why are these universities great for you? Again, this needs to reflect the message you have in your first paragraph.

The third section is actually great, this is where finally your strong voice comes through; your belief in the power of shared cultures. This is the first time I’m convinced you believe what you say rather than just stumping through a checkbox filling scholarship writing daze.

Unfortunately, as soon as you leave that paragraph, you’re back to waffling and dodging around the main point. Personally, I don’t know what to think about the last part, I’m not a big fan of sympathy plays but that’s my preference.

Overall, what I’m struck by the most is the lack of authenticity of this. It seems like a bunch of recycled lines and tired, hackney earnest phrases. It’s an essay that carefully skirts around any offense with the aim of not being the worst, not striving for greatness. As a hopeful communications major, I would consider this a failing of your craft.

My advice, not for this particular piece but for future work is to view it as a form of marketing and approach it from there. You’re trying to sell yourself to a committee. Read up on the marketing geniuses of the ages and the fundamental dos and don’ts of marketing and you’ll be much more successful.

28

I’ll get back to feedback for everyone when I’ve updated this again, but I’ve got to respond to this. It’s bothering me.

I’ve taken a grand total of one communications class. It had almost no writing component. I’m by no means an untapped prodigy of persuasive communication, but with practice I’m confident that I can be pretty damned good. This is the practice.

29

I’ve spent the past few Februaries scoring scholarship essays for a different organization, so do you mind if I make a few suggestions? First of all, I think putting your essay out here for us to critique it was a good idea. Your first draft alone was a lot better than many I’ve seen and I think it’s improving.

I haven’t seen one thing I look for in essays when I’m assessing them according to my organizations standards and that’s what you’ve done to accomplish your goals so far. You talk about what you will do, but not about what you have done, and the latter is important. I get about a hundred essays to go through and some of them talk about some really amazing things the person writing them has done to accomplish his goal. While you may not be half way to saving the world by the time you graduate from college, any information about what you’ve done and how you intend to use that experience to further your aims will almost definitely work in your favor. Basically, make it sound like the community service project you intend to undertake won’t be your first one.

I’d also omit the paragraph in which you talk about your family’s finances. Let’s face it. Everyone applies for a scholarship because he needs or wants the money. That’s a given and I wish we had more scholarships to give out. However, I hate to say this, but your family’s hardships don’t say much about your chances of succeeding in your goals. I’ve read far too many essays which start with heart-breaking accounts of poverty and go on to be quite badly written.

I’d also drop the paragraph about Southern hospitality and cooking, even though it seems like a good idea. You see, the people judging your essay may be aware of the difficulties of obtaining basic American food stuffs abroad, let alone regional ones, and think it’s a little overly optimistic. Worse, they may not care for Southern cooking and think grits and sweet tea aren’t the best way to win the Germans over.

Shalmanese has given you some very good advice. Remember, you’re competing against every other essay that the Rotary will get. That could easily be a hundred or more. Right now, while your essay isn’t bad by any means. it isn’t wonderful and anything less than wonderful may not be enough.

Good luck!

30

There’s actually a second essay component for exactly this. I didn’t post it here because I figured it would be a bit presumptuous asking the dope to read both of them.

That’s something I wanted to ask everyone about. I’m not really comfortable with that paragraph, but one of the requirements of the essay is “why you are applying for this scholarship,” which I understood to mean that I should explain my need.

Any other reads on that?

31

What’s the process? Will they read the submissions and decide, or will they select candidates for a second round and interview?

I wouldn’t want them to think you’re playing a sympathy card but in tight competition, it could be a tie-breaker. If it’s just “read and decide” you might give a couple sentences; if it’s an interview, you might mention it briefly and you can discuss it in round 2. If you essay isn’t good enough to get you there, it won’t make any difference.

32

I’ve read all of your comments carefully and think this updated version is probably twice as good thanks to everyone’s help. If you could just be patient enough to read this (hopefully!) final version and give notes, that would be terrific.

Next step: translating it into German. God, this scholarship is a bitch.

==============

I should be considered for the Academic Year scholarship because my plan to change public opinion of environmental regulation serves Rotary International’s goal of addressing global humanitarian needs. This opportunity would enable me to learn effective communication skills that I would use to raise awareness of the link between health and environmental protection.

According to a 2007 World Health Organization study, pollution causes 40% of deaths worldwide, with developing countries at highest risk. The environmental community has not clearly communicated the humanitarian crisis created by polluted air and water. Unfortunately, public perception of environmental protection been dominated not by respiratory infection in children but stereotypes of people chained to trees.

To change this perception and further Rotary International’s goal of increasing respect for cultural differences I hope to make a lasting impression wherever I go, showing that Americans can care about the environment while remaining moderate. I would like to change this negative perception personally and through my work.

Professionally, I want to assume the role of Director of Communications for an environmental advocacy group supporting clean air and water through tighter government regulation. I would use the media to mount PR campaigns aimed at raising public awareness and work through the political system to ensure real change.

Rotary International and I are in agreeance that education can solve most of the world’s problems. Raising public awareness and support must be built around proper education of environmental issues. A goal of mine is to see an increase in science education at the K-12 level focused on human impact upon the environment.

“Green” marketing campaigns are a powerful example of effective communication on environmental protection, with such campaigns resulting in citizens around the country calling for municipal recycling programs and tighter enforcement of existing regulations.

Attitudes towards environmental protection are slowly changing in America as the “Green” movement gains momentum, but much work remains at home and abroad. China has recently surpassed the United States as the world’s largest polluter and its government does not appear interested in environmental regulation.

I cannot accomplish these goals without the education first. I need to learn the art of persuasive communication politically and internationally. A year of studying communications would show me how organizations like the World Wildlife Fund and Amnesty International control their public images and influence public policy. This scholarship would provide me the tools to fight for every individual’s right to clean air and water.

The Philippines is one of the most biodiverse countries on Earth and The University of the Philippines Los Baños offers the world’s premier development communications program, a field dedicated to enacting positive social change. The curriculum strongly emphasizes science communication, strategic communication, and health communication. This three-part combination is vital to effectively communicating across cultures the risks posed by polluted air and water.

I have identified two German universities, Universität Erfurt and Universität Münster, which are academically highly regarded and located in smaller cities with fewer tourists, where personal interaction with Americans is more rare. I wish to improve my German and study first-hand the communication strategies used in Germany. It is my hope that I can implement at home and abroad what I learn from these strategies.

Through researching Erfurt and Münster, I have found Stammtisch events similar to the one I attend in Tuscaloosa that would make it very easy to fulfill the program objective of serving as an ambassador of goodwill. At Stammtisch, German and English-speaking people come together in a relaxed atmosphere to promote cultural understanding and foster international friendships.

Universität Efrurt’s curriculum emphasizes intercultural and political communications. At this university, I expect to learn how to communicate the need for clean air and water to cultures that I am not familiar with. I also plan to take courses in the Erfurt School of Public Policy, where I can gain insight into the challenges of influencing and implementing environmental policy.

The Westfälische Wilhelms-Univerität Münster emphasizes the role of the media in shaping public life. Combining depth studies of political and scientific communication with modern technology, the university seeks to make students competitive technologically competitive. In my goal to protect every individual’s right to clean air and water, I can use their state of the art digital TV and radio studio to understand the power of these mediums in communicating scientific information.

Vienna is one of the most environmentally conscious cities in the entire world. I would concentrate my volunteer efforts at coordinating with the city government’s “Vienna, Naturally” environmental awareness program. Univerität Wien specializes in intercultural communications and media studies. Were I to attend this university, I would learn the essentials of media psychology, policy, and economics. Knowing the inner workings of media is a key requirement of a communications director, and I would need this University’s expertise to effectively communicate my message over television, print, or the Internet. The possibilities for lasting friendship are limitless with 72,000 students studying at this University.

Were I to attend Univerität Salzburg, I would use the university’s research center dedicated to enacting positive social change to further my goal of communicating across cultures the link between environmental degradation and poor health. Not only would this university provide me a stellar understanding of environmental communication, but also studying in a department dedicated to positive social change would be incredibly inspiring.

Whomever I meet will get a personal taste of true Southern hospitality, which is rooted in family, friends, and food. The best way to share a culture is through food, and in my travels, I have brought Southern food like sweet tea and grits for my hosts to try. I now hold regular dinner parties in my apartment, a tradition I will carry on in whatever city Rotary International assigns me, so long as I can bring my favorite chef’s knife, “Caroline.”

Another way I will make sure my friendships endure with the people I meet abroad is to encourage them to come back to America and stay with me, much the way I stayed with my friend Peter in Regensburg, Renee in Köln, and Emma in Tours two summers ago.

After completion of this scholarship, I will leave the University of Alabama with a double major in social science and German, and a minor in communications. I will begin my search for graduate schools, where I can continue my studies in environmental communication. The short list of graduate schools I will apply to are the University of Denver, Cornell, George Washington University, and Oregon University. Each university is renowned for both its emphasis on intercultural and political communications, and boasts many classes focusing entirely on environmental communication.

To fulfill the program goal of continued volunteerism, I plan to continue the work I am currently doing with the Alabama Environmental Council. The AEC promotes environmental awareness, promoting waste reduction and recycling through public events, letters to the editor, and special events like EarthFest, an all-day concert of local bands. I will also work with local international groups in raising awareness of the desperate need for clean water in poor countries in Africa and Asia.

The opportunity to apply for this scholarship could not have come at a better time. While I have been fortunate enough to have my mother and grandmother’s support, the credit crisis and housing bubble have severely affected my family’s finances. Combined, my mother and grandmother have been in real estate for more than seventy years. Both agree that this is the worst year they have ever seen. Additionally, my mother has accumulated a significant amount of medical bills thanks to an as-yet undiagnosed abdominal illness. I know that if I were to have a year of school funded by this scholarship it would remove a tremendous source of stress, and give my mother the energy she needs to care for my younger brother.

If you grant me this scholarship, I will carry out Rotary International’s goal of effecting positive social change and creating lasting friendships, not because I have to, but because it is part of who I am. I will use the education and life experience to encourage responsible use of the environment in Alabama and across the world.

Thank you for considering me for the Ambassadorial Scholarship.

33

Better, but I’m still not getting any sense of who you are or what exactly you plan to do. I really think this is the biggest failing here: you haven’t told me what I will be getting for the money I give you. I still don’t know whether you are a marine biology student who wants to polish their communications skills or a journalism student who wants to study marketing or a marketing student. Without that information it’s hard to make any sort of judgement on just how well spent this money is going to be.

Sell yourself. Sell me on the skills you already have and tell me just how much more effective they are going to be after a year studying abroad. Vague allusions to studying “communication” just aren’t doing it. It’s hard to give you more detailed help with absolutely no knowledge of your strengths, but I can give you an example of how I’d do it:

“*I’m a botanist with X years of experience working in agriculture. While my studies and work experience have given me an excellent knowledge of the practicalities of managing farmland for biodiversity conservation there is a shortfall when it comes to getting that knowledge out there to the public. With Rotary’s help and the chance to study at Institution X’s excellent communications facility I can overcome that limitation. Given that opportunity I can learn all the skills needed to communicate with a mass market. How to translate the technical into the everyday and make it accessible to laypeople. How to construct a tailored information campaign for audiences of farmers or parents. How to distill an essential message out of a complicated study.

If I can acquire these skills I will be able to combine them with my scientific expertise enabling me to communicate with group X, the group that really matters.*”

That’s the type of thing I would like to see in here. Something that lets the panel know that they aren’t just throwing money away so that you can advance your career. That you have skills and commitment that you are putting in just as they are putting in dollars. In short let them know what they are getting out of this and be specific about how you can do it better than everyone else. Don’t be vague about this. They really need to know what you are offering.

Good, but slightly passive. Be definite. Keep it punchy. I’d also avoid talking about a “plan” unless you really have a plan. You have a goal or a desire.

I have a desire to improve the standard of living worldwide, and I believe that can be done most effectively by changing public opinion of environmental regulation. The Academic Year scholarship gives me the opportunity to learn effective communication skills that I would use to raise awareness of the link between health and environmental protection. *And once again make it clear how you already have useful skills that will be enhanced by this. Anyone can go and learn these skills, but not everyone has the preexisting skills that you have that will be strengthened by this. Convince them that you are good now, but that you will be better for this opportunity. They are helping you, not doing it for you. *.
Pollution is a major humanitarian problem, and one that disproportionately affects the developing world. According to a 2007 World Health Organization study, pollution causes 40% of deaths worldwide, with developing countries at highest risk. Yet environmental pollution is not seen as a humanitarian crisis: public perception of environmental protection been dominated not by respiratory infection in children but stereotypes of people chained to trees.

You just lost me. You’re going to single handedly change this perception by making a good impression. I’m going to repeat what others have said: pick a point and stick to til it’s done. Then change topic. Don’t change horses midstream. ATM you’re selling the importance of this misperception of the effects of pollution and how you are going to change it. Talking about your role as goodwill ambassador just muddies the water. Get to that later by all means, but for now tell me how what you’ve done in the past to address this topic and what you will be able to do in future with the right training.
In the past I have done X, Y and Z to change this perception. Institution/country X has an excellent record of doing whatever the hell it is that relates to this subject, and with the opportunity to learn from them I intend to change this misperception by writing a message on the lunar surface in crayon or whatever you intend to do.

Can I suggest walking before you crawl? Director is ambitious, not in any way ludicrous, but ambitious.
Also avoid the implication that your sole aim is to force people to your will with legislation. You have no idea who is likely to be on the panel, and that issue is a red rag to many conservatries and libertarians.

With the skills I gain from Institution X I will, upon graduating, undertake an MBA specializing in sensitivity in advertising or whatever it is you want to do. Kind of hard to write this when you’ve been so vague about just where you are coming from or what you intend to do. Following this I will seek employment within the environmental protection field where I can put the skills I have acquired through this scholarship to good use. I hope to be able to work to raise public awareness fo the humanitarian costs of environmental issues. By encouraging personal responsibility and more effective legislative control such campaigns will enhance air and water quality

Agreeance? Ack. You are either in agreement and or concordance. No such word as agreeance.

Are you sure that Rotary believes that education can solve most of the world’s problems? If you can’t find that exact phrase someone on page one of their handbook then don’t use.
And the second sentence seems awfully circular: public awareness can only be built around increased education (ie awareness). What’s the actual goal of all this awareness? You started out saying that it was to make people aware of the human cost of pollution, now you’re suddenly focusing on human cost to the environment. Pick a topic and stay there. It makes a much stronger impression.

And you are educating the people, not the issues.

I agree wholeheartedly with Rotary International’s belief that education is paramount in addressing the world’s problems. Improvement in the environment can only be achieved by raising public awareness and support through proper education on issues. A goal of mine is to see an increase in science education at the K-12 level, with particular focus on the human impact of environmental degradation.

“Green” marketing campaigns are an example of the effectiveness of education in environmental protection, with such campaigns resulting in citizens around the country calling for municipal recycling programs and tighter enforcement of existing regulations. While attitudes towards environmental have changed in America as a result of such campaigns much work remains at home and abroad.[/font]

Another non sequitur. Seems to come form nowhere and leads nowhere, particular since you have stated your intent to work in the US.

What goals?
Communications is very vague. Communications in what sense? IT? Advertising? Essay writing? Novel writing? Try to be more specific if you can.
Also, don’t say that you *need[/i[ this scholarship. It shows alack of commitment. To me it says that if you aren’t handed everything on a plate you intend to give up and go get a job in Exxon PR department.

I personally don’t like the use of “fight” here. Its just personal preference but it makes you sound like an idealistic crusader, not a serious scholar.

Anyway that’s enough for now.

I recommend that you focus on a single message about what you intend to do as it relates to the selection criteria and then hammer it home before you move onto the next topic.

A few other major points
“ Los Baños offers the world’s premier development communications program, a field dedicated to enacting positive social change” should read “Los Baños offers the world’s premier development communications program with a focus on to enacting positive social change” .

“I expect to learn how to communicate the need for clean air and water to cultures that I am not familiar with” looks odd given that you have basically stated that you intend to work in the US. If you don’t intend to work in the US then you should really have mentioned that and emphasized A) how important this scholarship will be in exposing you to foreign culture and B) how that intent meshes with Rotary’s own selection criteria.

“Combining depth studies” should of course be “in depth”
“the university seeks to make students competitive technologically competitive” seems to suffer form an excess of competitives.

“these mediums”. Medium is singular. Media is plural.
“Whomever I meet…” Whoever I meet: With whomever, to whom. Who with, who I, who ever. Best advice is to avoid the use of whom altogether unless you are really certain. It sounds rather pretentious when you get it right, and it’s really embarrassing when you get it wrong.
“To fulfill the program goal of continued volunteerism” Volunteerism?

Two points:

  1. Why on earth did you make me wade through three pages before you mention what you have already done? Why hide your light under a bushel.
  2. Why do you only causally mention that you work with this group? Why not mention specifically what you do so that we can see what you are capable of?
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I’ve already written a separate two-page essay on who I am and what I’ve done where I go into that sort of depth. This is just one small piece of the whole, and I’m not sure that sort of overlap would be appreciated. If you or anyone still disagrees, by all means tell me, but I want to be sure you know that before offering that advice.

I’ll get back to the rest of this, but I want to throw that out there before anyone else might read.

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And I keep reading reports online that ‘agreeance’ is in the OED as an archaic word that fell out of favor 200 years ago but is slowly coming back. According to Wikipedia, it’s making its way into Webster’s New Millennium edition when it comes out as well. I’ll change it just to avoid confusion, but I felt like sharing.

Whom is the object of meet.

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Oops, missed the edit window. It’s also the subject of a verb. Conflicting rules say “who” wins. Dangit.

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“Whomever I meet”=a noun clause acting as the subject of the verb “will get.” “Whomever” is correct, since it’s the direct object of “meet.” IANA linguist or anything, but that’s how I was taught.