Readers: assess the truth of this passage for me.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

As I’ve mentioned in ten thousand other threads, I’m working on a novel. I’d like a little feedback from the group on one passage in particular. It’s female Dopers’ opinions I’m especially interested in, but anyone who wants to chime in is welcome.

First a little background. My novel is the story of two children, Hannah and Andy, 13 & 14 years old, respectively. They are best friends; one might call them soul-mates. Andy is athletic and extremely popular. By contrast Hannah comes from a stultifying and unpleasant family; her only human friends are Andy and his older sister Rosemary, and Hannah believes, or fears, that Rosemary is only her friend because of Andy. Theirs is a definite big-brother/little sister relationship.

In the passage I’m excerpting, Hannah has just returned from her first day of high school (she’s extremely bright and has jumped two grades). Having spent the summer out of the country with her family, she finds that she has gotten a reputation over the summer, thanks to Michael Summers, a boy who surprised her by flirting with her at the end of the previous school year. Going to Andy for comfort, Hannah is shocked to find Michael and two of his friends in Andy’s room. Andy’s new stepbrother, Christopher, is friends with Michael and his group, which calls itself the “Posse.”

Here’s the scene I’m wondering about, with the relevant passage boldfaced:

A moment later, Hannah walked into Andy’s room. There she got another unpleasant surprise. Christopher was there too, of course, but his father had told Hannah that. What Major Parker hadn’t warned her about was that the last person in the world she wanted to see was also there, sitting on a brand-new bed opposite Andy’s.

“Well look who it is!” Michael Summers said. “Good old Sucky Buckey!”

**Hannah flinched. She’d heard that name for the first time in second period, then over and over for the rest of the day. It didn’t sting any less when coming directly from Michael’s lips. ** He wasn’t the only member of the Posse in the room. Harry and Arnie were there too—sprawled on the new bed, or nosing in the closet. Christopher was sitting on the floor, eating a Hershey bar.

Andy was sitting on his bed by the window, a comic book in his hands, scowling. When Michael spoke, he looked up and snapped, “Told you not to call her that.” Then, turning to Hannah, he smiled. “Hey there, lil sis,” he said.

“Hey, bro man,” she replied.

He got up to give her a hug. Hannah held the embrace for much longer than usual. For the first time in hours, she felt herself begin to relax.

That restful feeling lasted only a moment. “Woo-woo,” Christopher called— looking, not at Hannah, but at Harry and the other boys. “Heard you field niggers was fast.”

Michael rolled his eyes. Harry and Arnie both grinned.

“That’s how come they call her Sucky Buckey,” Arnie said.

“Only sometimes,” Christopher added. “Other times it’s—”

“You probably oughta be quiet now, Christopher,” Andy said.

For the first time, Christopher took his eyes off Harry. Andy’s voice was very calm, and though he didn’t move towards his stepbrother, Christopher still flinched. The other boys all snickered.

“You said you wanted to be one of us,” Harry said to Christopher. “Prove it. Make him call you by your right name.”

Andy’s eyes were still on his stepbrother. “How about it, Christopher? You wanna make me call you ’Snake-Eyes’?”

Christopher stood up. For a few moments the two boys locked gazes. Hannah was completely unsurprised that Andy’s stepbrother blinked first.

“Aw, you ain’t about nothing,” Christopher said. “Don’t matter what you call me.”

“Thought so,” Andy replied.

Arnie and Michael laughed out loud. Harry grinned. …

“Now, children, let’s all be sweet,” he said. “Y’all are brothers now, aintcha? Brothers ain’t sposed to be fighting.”

“Christopher sure shouldn’t,” Andy said.

Hannah noticed something then that her friend had missed. Because Andy’s attention was divided between Christopher and Harry, he seemed to think that the older boy was staring at him now. But, in fact, Harry’s attention was elsewhere. His eyes hardly blinked as he looked at Hannah.

Girls learn very young to tell what part of their bodies boys are staring at. Harry’s gaze was a fifty-pound weight on her chest.

Does this scene seem emotionally true to you?

Thanks in advance,

[Mithril]

I think the first bolded excerpt is good, sicne the namecalling is new to her. If it had been going on for a longer time, she probably would have been more stoic about it.

The second one kind of depends. If Hannah developing prematurely? If she is the first one in her age group to start growing breasts, I could see the scene transpiring that way. If not, I wouldn’t think that the boy would necessarily be staring right at her chest. (Assuming that her new nickname comes from stories being told about her performing oral sex and not her willingness to have her breasts sucked on, in which case the scene would make a lot of sense)

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Mithril

If Hannah developing prematurely? If she is the first one in her age group to start growing breasts, I could see the scene transpiring that way.

She definitely supposed to be; as written, she’s very well developed at the age of twelve.

If not, I wouldn’t think that the boy would necessarily be staring right at her chest. (Assuming that her new nickname comes from stories being told about her performing oral sex and not her willingness to have her breasts sucked on, in which case the scene would make a lot of sense)

I don’t intend to expand on the story’s Michael is telling.

[Mithril]

OK, if she is developing early, I could see her peers having that kind of reaction. It works for me.

[Skald_the_Rhymer]

@Mithril

OK, if she is developing early, I could see her peers having that kind of reaction. It works for me.

I guess what I’m really asking is “Am I correct in describing Hannah’s ability to perceive what part of her body a boy is looking at?”

[Mithril]

Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. If the guy wasn’t actively trying to be subtle, she could definitely tell. Girls learn that soon after they start developing.