Just a few minutes ago I said to one of my co-workers, “What’s the date today?”
He didn’t look up from what he was doing and muttered, “Sysdate.”
Broke me up.
Got any from your place?
Only the usual ones about user ineptitude; people asking if I can put the internet on a disk for them, or getting halfway through a quite involved support procedure and finding out that they didn’t know what I meant by ‘click’ (god knows what they were actually doing instead for the first half of the instructions)
ONe of my users was whining about her printer not responding Monday. I reached over and turned it on.
Does it count if I tell on myself? :smack:
Had to move my workstation the other day. The IT guys know me and have checked out my mad putah skillz; they have no problems with me moving it myself. After hauling everything to the new place, I begin cabling up. All is going smooth until I try to connect to the network. No network available. I duck down under the desk, check the connections, unplug and re-seat just in case… yup, all is good. Still no network.
Finally I go scare up our IT guy on duty. He comes over, ducks under the desk for half a second, then pops up and gives me a withering “you moron” glare.
“You forgot to plug in to the network?” he says, in that patronizing tone.
“I did not,” says I, glaring right back as he boots the machine. “I checked it several times!”
He promptly logs into the network and points at the screen in response.
“It helps if you plug the patch cable into the wall,” he points out helpfully as he’s leaving.
I felt quite stupid the rest of the day. Doh.
:smack: I was helping a colleague set up his laptop for auditorium projection and the control system wasn’t projecting it as commanded. Only after I called my pal in support did we notice the cable had fallen off the back of the laptop. :smack:
I was trying to tell someone a URL over the phone and said “tilde”. “Matilda?..oh, the squiggly thing.”
Dim BuckleMyShoe as integer
For x = 1 to BuckleMyShoe
Next
Cracked us up, it done.
I once was called (in a major ice storm) to drive into downtown Boston for a client (in an ice storm, 4.5 hours from the NH border 30 miles away to the customer site) who had their entire network down.
After some very clever diagnosis, I figured out that there was a loop on their network somehow (EVERY port on the switch was flashing madly). I isolated one of the ports that was causing the trouble, and sent someone up to check the PC connected to it. Normally there was a laptop in use during the day, but overnight, the cleaning people saw the loose cable on the floor, and plugged it into the 2nd jack on the wall. :smack:
The client’s IT staff had been working on it for the entire 4.5 hours that I was in transit. I had it solved in about 20 minutes from arrival. It frustrated them that I started from scratch, and solved it in the short time frame, rather than wading through their original explanation of what they’d already tried. 
I have a computer which is basically all of the guts of an industrial grade computer screwed into a piece of plywood so that I can easily access things and develop new cards, etc. Since it’s a computer screwed to a piece of wood, I decided to name it “WOODY” in our system. This leads to lots and lots of really juvenile jokes, such as “who’s got the woody” when asking which system it’s attached to or “getting woody up” when booting it, etc.
I also keep a list of humorous and interesting source code comments I find on our system. My favorite is this one, which appears in the middle of about a hundred or so modification logs at the top of one file:
The patch immediately following it has the following comment:
I’ve had to explain to people exactly what the difference is between left-clicking and right-clicking. Not as in, what happens when you do it, but the actual physical difference…
Me on the helpdesk, trying to get somebody to run d:\setup from a cd:
Me: Okay, you’ve got the command prompt open, a black screen that says c>?
User: Yep.
Me: Okay, type d:\setup.
User: It says, bad command or file name.
Me: Okay, just type d: and press the enter key.
User: Bad command or file name.
Me: Try it again. {I listen carefully…}
User: {tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap} Bad command or file name.
Me: How are you spelling “:”?
User: COLIN, just like Colin Powell.
Me: [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk]
This is embarrassing, I’m telling on myself.
Several months ago I decided to try Linux as my new operating system–using a brand new Toshiba laptop. I’d heard the warnings–this was not going to be an easy ride (it wasn’t.) But I was determined to persevere. For the first several months, everything seemed to work fine–until I upgraded from Breezy Badger to Dapper Drake.
For the first two days after the upgrade, everything was fine… then all of a sudden my wireless went out. I hit the support forums. We did all kinds of dignostic crap in the terminal to figure out what was going on. Eventually we determined that for whatever reason, my wireless hardware was switched off. Because my latop “hotkeys” were made for Windows, they don’t work for Linux… which means I had to somehow manually go into the BIOS and turn on my wireless. I spent at least two months trying to fix this problem. When I finally figured out how to access the BIOS, there was no “on-off” wireless option.
At this point I had been unable to use my computer for TWO STRAIGHT MONTHS. I was so pissed. I was ready to throw in the towel and go back to Windows. In a fit of desperation I called my Uncle Mike, who is a computer programmer. He spent about an hour with me on the phone (he lives in NY, and I live in MI) doing all sorts of crazy random crap to help me get my wireless up. Nothing worked. Finally he was like, “This is just a WAG, but what about your actual wireless switch?”
“What?”
“There’s an actual physical switch, should be near your volume control or along the side somewhere… is that little blinky light on?”
Turns out the little blinky light was NOT on, because my wireless switch was nestled snugly in the “OFF” position. I spent two months doing everything conceivable to “fix” my wireless, when all I had to do was turn on the damn switch! :smack: Might as well tattoo “n00b” on my forehead and get it over with.
Trying to get someone to type in
c:>edit
they would often type in
c:>e as in edward d as in daniel i as in ingrid t as in tuna
But trying to get someone to type in “$p$g”, I would often say “P as in pneumonia, G as in gnome.” Never once raised an eyebrow.
The only computer joke I know:
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
“Are you in a loop?”
Heh heh–that’s from waaaay back in the day when I was learning assembly for the 8088…
I have kept printed out on my wall an actual request we received in September 2005:
“Wireless cable needed in [conference room] - thanks”
A dozen of us had an informal contest to come up with the best way to handle it.
Ah, a misoption of the 0n/0ff setting. Sometimes known as an ID10T error.
When I first began working here, a laptop was self diagnosed, “My sound card failed!”. I turned up the volume control. I was still trying to be well liked, so when she asked, “What did you do?” I responded, “I adjusted the volumetric potentiometer.”
For anyone who has done tech support.
Twelve oclock flasher , hilarious
Declan
Not really computer humour, except that I find it highly amusing, and it’s computer-related. When I was studying straight computer science, a few friends of mine had a running “error of the month” competition. Here are three of my favourites (they’re not really errors, more stupid mistakes and such, as you shall see):
*Accidentally typing “#include “somesource.c”” instead of “#include “somesource.h”” at the top of somesource.c. Compiler output is never so unhelpful as when the compiler goes into an infinite loop.
Mistyping ".o" as “*.c” in the clean target of a makefile. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. (It was me that did that, too. Bugger.)
*My personal favourite - you know how in vi, you need to be in ‘insert’ mode before you type? And you know how in vi, you can do all sorts of crazy crap with keyboard shortcuts? Well, a friend of mine once started typing some text believing himself to be in insert mode, but he wasn’t. Ah well, no harm done apparently. Later on, after he had saved the source file and compiled, he discovered that he had somehow deleted all instances of the letter ‘n’ from the file. Took a while to figure that one out, although all the ‘unrecognized token: pritf’ was a pretty good clue.
One more though, for engineer_comp_geek in the tradition of uncovering ridiculous comments in code*. Once I was reading through a bit of source for my honours project, and found (something closely resembling) the line:
fitness = (fitness + 7) / 4;
Thinking to myself “Hrm, that’s some incredibly dodgy magic number action - I’m sure I explained what the hell is happening in the comments, though” I looked to a nearby comment, which stated simply
/Shazam!/
Anyway, I dropped out of honours pretty soon after that.
*I hate finding hilariously stupid crap in source code that I wrote, though. More fun if you can mock someone else for the incompetence.
Nice feature, but yeah, it’s tripped up a LOT of people, as has Toshiba’s little sliding door that protects the power switch.
Take a chunk of Cat5, pull out the wires, then glue plugs onto the ends.