Really STUPID motherfuckers hang out in bars.

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, I have a weekend job at a bar/nightclub. I work the door every Friday night, checking ID’s, collecting the cover charge, etc. Here are some of the things I’ve overheard on the job:

23-year-old Blond bimbo: "What time is it? Sees that it is 1:45 a.m. “I’d better go check on my daughter.” :eek:

Fellow employee: “I think that Bill (who is the owner of the club and his employer) is a douchbag. The other night Joe (who is head of Security, and also just an employee) said one more minute and then we collect bottles. Bill said ‘go collect bottles,’ and I said ‘no, Joe said give them one more minute.’ I mean, I do what is ethically and morally right.” :smack:

Half-drunk chick who drank mixed liquor and now feels sick: " I’m telling you somebody spiked my drink. Listen, I was a biology major. I may look like a blond ditz, but I have six years of college. I know somebody spiked my drink." :dubious:

God help me. Does it get any worse?

2

Yes. Remember the Chicago club fire? What was it, Sunday, Monday night? How many kids were at home while mommy was looking for a daddy? Oh god.

3

I’m not sure why this is so offensive. She did not say that her daughter was home alone.

Would it have bothered you the same if the parent had been a dark-haired male?

I’m honestly not meaning to pick at your post. I’m just curious.

4

Oh, man. . . not the whole “bad parent” thing again.

Lets just hope said bimbo is not a Doper.

5

I worked at a bar/restaurant with some kid who was built like a brick shithouse and was about as smart as half a brick.

Two good examples that come to mind:

Quote the idiot – “I can’t believe he tried to tell me that – I didn’t believe it at all. I knew it was a fallacky he was trying to pass off on me.”
Me: “He tried to pass what off on you?”
Him: “A Fallacky”
Me: “Do you mean a fallacy?”
Him: “Whatever… you know what I mean, quit being a dick”.

And the best one:

I walked in on him telling some story of a guy he didn’t like. “I can’t stand hanging around with this guy at all. He’s such a placebo!”

Me: “Um, what?” ::blink, blink:: (He gave me this reaction frequently)

Him: ::takes condescending, elementary school teacher tone:: "He’s a placebo. PLACEBO. It means ‘fake’ ".

Thanks, Noah fucking Webster, I’ll take notes next time. :rolleyes:

“Quit being such a placebo” has made it into my common expressions thanks to this guy.

6

I guess I should’ve added some details: she was falling down drunk, reeked of pot smoke, and the kid was only four years old, as I learned later.
Call me judgemental, I don’t care. I disapprove of leaving a child that young, alone or not, to go to a bar and then coming home drunk and half-stoned. It’s hardly what I’d call setting a good parental example. People lose custody of their kids over shit like this. (She was also a single parent.)
And yes, my feelings about what is and what is not good parenting are the same regardless of gender. If anything, I would’ve been more indignant if it were a man, since this is how my own father spent just about every night of his life. I’ll concede that maybe it’s a personal thing.

7

Ah yes, I remember my days of working the door all too well. You’d be surprised at the number of people who “forgot” their I.D. “but I’m 25, really”… or maybe you’re not surprised. Or the ones who think $3 is too much to pay for live music.

The one that really sticks out in my mind though… Two guys: brothers, cousins, or maybe unrelated–they looked alike, sort of. So they both walk up to me at the same time and hand me their I.D.s. Same person. One current driver’s license and one expired. Like I said, they kinda looked alike, and had they come in, say, five minutes apart, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. But they didn’t plan the con job too well. Needless to say, they didn’t get in.

8

Actually, we don’t have live music, just a DJ. But we do charge $3. :smiley:
And I realized last night I’m just going to have to get a lot tougher. I’ve been overwhelmed by the sher effort people put in to trying to bullshit and/or sweet-talk me. I’ve been entirely too lax.

9

I don’t know. People like to go out with their friends. People like to get their buzz on. For people who do like to go to bars, the urge is probably not going to disappear just because they have become parents. If they attempt to stay home sober every night for eighteen years, it could breed frustration and resentment.

Coming home drunk every night, like your father (and my stepfather BTW), well, that’s not right to put it mildly. Leaving a child with dad or grandma or another sober and responsible babysitter every so often in order to get free and wild and talk exclusively to grown-ups and not have to keep one ear cocked and the back-of-the-head mom-eyes open- that can be psychological healthy.

Clearly, you know the girl better than I do- well enough to call her a bimbo. As a parent, she may be a horrific headline waiting to happen, but not for the simple fact that she was drinking in a bar.

10

Coming home drunk and stoned at two in the morning even once is unacceptable for the parent of a four-year old. A young child needs consistent stability and sobriety from its parents.

11

Oh, get off your high horse. Suppose the child was staying with grandparents? Maybe she just ment she was going to phone to check that the evening had gone well. Maybe a lot of things that none of us know. Just because someone becomes a parent dosen’t mean they stop being human with the same desires other humans have to eat, drink and be merry. Until we know that the child was left unsupervised or neglected in any other way, you’re all just casting aspersions in the dark.

12

Don’t ya just love it when you walk into a crowded bar and you grab the only empty seat and the guy sitting next to you is soupy drunk and he wants to talk your ear off but everything he says sounds like a riddle? Then you try to leave but before you can get up the bartender sets a fresh drink in front of you and says your new friend has just bought you one. Now you know why that seat was open :smack:

13

And cross-dressing lumberjacks.

14

@ 2am the kid’d better be ASLEEP! The kid’ll never have to know.

Now, the next day, being woken up @ 6am by a four year old and having to be your usual cheery helpful self is its own punishment. A sufficient one at that.

15

My dad, in his college days in Kentucky, used to go bar crawling with Harlan Sanders on his three day benders. Man wore a white suit just like his licensed image. What they don’t show you is the food and liquor stains down the front, and apparently the fact that the sucker was the meanest summabitch in the city.

Way the benders used to end was they’d wind up in this bar with concrete columns. Sanders would order about six stubby Colt 45s, beers in cans… and these were the real cans, the steel kind, bout three-four inches tall. And he’d line 'em up on the bar and stare at them. Then he’d throw them at the columns real hard, bouncing them into other people. In the ensuing barfight, apparently, you got out the best you could. Still, he paid for the beer, and Dad was underage.

Beer makes you stupid. Free beer makes you damn stupid.

16

The missing Eleventh Commandment, ladies and gentlemen!

17

I bartend, and I’ve heard worse, Lizard. :wink:

We don’t have a door guy, so I check all the ID’s myself, and yawn the stories I’ve heard about that rascally missing ID!

Two military-looking guys walk up; one hands me his state ID. I approve it, and serve him a beer. I ask his friend for his ID; you have to be 21 to be in the bar, even if you’re not drinking. (And don’t even get me started on people who have a beef with that. “But I just wanna hang out! I’m not drinking! Why are you being such a bitch!”)

ID-free guy is on his cell phone, looking important. He waves me away. Won’t give me his ID. Wanders over to his friend, where they shoot the breeze and try to play it cool.

“I need to see your ID,” I say across the bar.

“Whatever. I’ll go get it,” he says.

So they both leave.

Ten minutes later, they’re back. This time the guy hands me a military ID.

DOES HE NOT THINK I’LL NOTICE THAT IT’S HIS FRIEND’S FREAKIN’ MILITARY ID? Does he not know that impersonating military personnel is a fucking federal offense? I could own both of their punk asses if I wanted to!

Ah, the ol’ “I’ll use my state ID and you can use my military ID/vice versa” trick. Don’t they know I’ve seen it all before?

sigh

Then people give me blatantly fake “novelty” IDs.

I’ve been given legit ID’s, too…that prove that the person is not 21. Do I look like I can’t even fucking add?

ID’s have apparently been “stolen,” “lost,” “left in my hotel room…” “I’m married to her, so can’t you serve her?” “This is my daughter; can’t you serve her?” “I left it here last night! Check your lost and found!” “I’ve been here X amount of times before, and this has never been a problem!” “I’ll be 21 in three months, isn’t that close enough?” “But you’re so beautiful, how can you be so mean?” “C’mon, I’ll give you like fifty bucks just to serve me/her/him!” “But I’ve drank here before!” “Where’s your boss? I’ll straighten this right out!” “This is fucking bullshit! Just gimme a godamn beer!”

yawn

And that’s just a sample of the ID-related stories.

I could write a book. :smiley:

18

Do so. I have looked and been unable to find one like it and us young and upcoming bartenders would appreciate its advice.

19

If there’s one thing my 10+ years in the nightclub industry has taught me, it’s that people are absolute shit. All of em. Fuck em.

(I incidentally just got off a 12 hour shift at my bar. Fuck humanity in every possible shape and form.)

20

Well, if you really REALLY want to have fun with military idjits who loan out their IDs…confiscate the misused ID. Say that you can TELL that the person using it is not the person on the ID, and you, being a good US citizen and all, are gonna drop off at the base/in the mailbox. I think that you can drop off found military IDs in any mailbox, and they’d make their way back to the proper person…eventually. My husband has been out of the Air Force since 1988, so my memory is a bit foggy on the details. At any rate, if any military member had his ID returned by a “helpful” bartender, with a note saying that some underage unauthorized person was attempting to use it to buy drinks with, s/he’d have to explain to his/her CO. It’s a MAJOR breach of security, and I imagine that the officers would have even bigger and better cows nowadays, after 9/11, than they did back when my husband was in the AF.

If you get a lot of people using other members’ IDs, that’s what I’d do for a bit. Might want to check with Lackland and whatever other bases are around there, to see just what you should do. But if you get a rep for doing it, I can guarantee that the word will get around the bases.

I’ve got my own share of stories to tell. I used to work in a convenience/deli/liquor store in Las Vegas. We’d refuse to sell alcohol or cigarettes to a minor, and then we’d turn around and have to chase the kid off the slot machines. Sheesh. And all the people in the neighborhood expected us to know that they were over 21, they hated to carry ID for some reason.