May all drunk idiots burn in hell

The BBQ Pit
1

This may be very coherent for I’m royally pissed and my English writing skills ain’t worth shit but fuck it.

Today is Thursday the forteenth and a national holiday because of some dead saint or something. I should have gone out Wednesday partied all night and woken by noon. Instead I stayd home went to bed early and was awaken by 7 o’clock for my English exams.

I stayed there from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.

I think I flunked.

My sister used the computer from 10:00 am to about ten minutes ago, that was 3:50 am Friday.

The fucking phone didn’t stop ringing one bloody minute the whole fucking afternoon.

Then sudenly it’s night, time to go out and party and drink all your troubles under the table.

Me and my friends went to a blues bar to listen to some music and relax. You know sit down and talk a bit, drink a few beers, socialize.

Thirty minutes after I arrived the fucking place was so crowded you couldn’t walk.

We couldn’t get a table so we went to a somewhat more private cubicle farther from the band playing. The sexual tension was so thick in the air you could barely move. What’s the deal with these girls that stay virgin to their 16s and 17s? They get so horny they can barely talk straight.

And here begins the real rant ( even though it’s not the kind that get’s high marks in the pit, I just want to blow somw steam ).

My friend XX gets completly blasted after exactly one dose of tequila and starts to flirt wildly with everybody. I, the Good Boy, decide it would be unfair to make a move on XX. Five seconds later my also completly wasted friend XY starts kissing.

This raises a few points:
first: Don’t these know how to drink? One tequila, ONE!!!
second: If you don’t know how to drink why the hell do it anyway?
third: Doesn’t XY have any decency? The girl didn’t know what she was talking about much less what she was doing.

Meanwhile another friend, lets call him Pothead starts smoking dope in front of the fucking bouncer. Dickhead.

Meanwhile once again, I go to the balcon to get a drink and come back a few minutes later and XX and XY are lying in the damned bench making out like crazy and halfway to sex in front of the whole fucking bar.

Is it so hard to move? The bar has a FUCKING DARK ROOM WITH CURTAINS to those unable to hold out for a few hours!

We breack them up on account of general demand. The fuckers are so drunk they can’t even get straight. And their flies are open for crying out loud!

XX and XY go to near the band and almost throw the amplifiers on the floor while kissing. Later they breack up and go staggering in different directions and XX flirts with every single man on the place. She actually pushed me against the wall and was going to kiss me but she accidently made somebody’s drink go flying in the air and land in my shirt.

She goes away somewhere to be instantly replaced by her Good And Worried Girlfriend who wants to know if she went to the dark room with XY.

What the fuck has that prudish virgin to do with XX hymen? Jealous and repressed bugger.

I fled from thye whole mess and sat in a corner. A minute later a blonde sits besides me. She was pretty, smart and abut ten years older. Perfect.

As soon as we start doing something her friend arrives, sits between us and starts to puke.

I gave up. I forgot women for the night and went listening to the band. XY rushes by and almost nocks me and two other guys on the floor. What the fucked were his intoxicated brain cells doing at the time? He could have been seriously beaten or even killed in a place like that! If he only knew the trouble I had to convince those guys not to go after him!

XX passes out and has to be taken to the hospital while a gunfight almost breaks outside the bar ( I had nothing to do with THAT gratefully ).

It was a horribly shitty night just because some people simply don’t know when they’ve head enough. How can people be so stupid? If you want to get wasted a blues bar isn’t exactly where you want to go for christ’s sake.

Dumb fuckers.

Sorry for the rant and the poor English also I am sleepy and still a bit dizzy ( I never said I had anything against alcohol just people who drink to much ) so I know the quality will be low but I really had to get that out of my system.

2

Of course the fact that “pissed” means drunk here in Australia made the opening statement all the more amusing given the thread title.

Hope you meet up with the older woman some time when your “friends” aren’t around.

3

And this is your idea of fun?

Yeesh, and people wonder why I prefer to stay at home…

4

You are WAY to uptight. You need to drink more. Let your friends do their thing, you do yours and all will be happy. If XX wants to kiss XY Let her. You say XY was drunk too so why should he have the sense not to kiss her? Furthermore how exactly did their escapades upset you so much?
You could have had a fun night but you let everyone else’s actions bother you. Relax…

5

Mad props for replacing names with chromosomes…

6

Where can I find this bar??
(takes out pen and paper…)

7

So if XX and XY mate, will the resulting offspring have yellow or green pods?

8

wh…wha?

I…did I grow up in a different time? A different world? Am I living in pleasantville or something?

now we’re upset that girls are virgins when they’re sixteen? Yikes a moly.

Good luck on your exams!

jarbaby

9

Pezpunk

I don’t consider myself uptight but I understand how you could have gotten that impression from my post but consider this:
[list]
[li]I had no trouble with XX and XY getting togeter but there is something called… I forgot how it’s called. Let’s say there’s an appropriate time and place for everything.[/li][li]I was so much bothered because they created a mild scandal, acted irresponsably and XX put me in a very discomfortable situation right before bathing me in whisky while XY arranged some fights were I had to put MY skin in danger so that he wouldn’t get completly screwed.[/li][li]I drink usually, sometimes a lot. Yesterday at the bar I had two straight JBs and some beers. I didn’t get drunk, I know how much I can take, they didn’t. Iknow were it is alright to get wasted, they didn’t. I never had to go to the hospital ( I think this is some kind of miracle or something ), XX had.[/li]I really had a shitty day yesterday and needed to vent a little. I had fun at the bar, the band was excellent and XX and XY only started being a pain in the ass later on. But I really needed to say something to somebody.

10

This message is to everyone everywhere:

I don’t give a shit about your “drunk stories.” Christ, why do people think I’d be interesting in hearing about “Oh mah gawd, I was sooo drunk, I puked in the gutter and lost a shoe and couldn’t find my way home so I slept on a bench.” Well, hoo-fucking-ray for you. Christ, an orangutan can get drunk, why should I be impressed at how fast you can dump alcohol down your gullet and how stupid you acted thereafter?

Gyah. I hate listening to stories about how stupid the teller acted while he/she was drunk. It’s not interesting, it’s not funny (especially to those of us who have to drag your sorry, vomiting, sometimes violent drunk ass around so you don’t get killed), and it reinforces my impression of that person as a wretched lower primate who’s somehow learned to dress himself and walk upright, but prefers to wallow in a semi-conscious chemically-addled stupor.

Okay, I feel better now. Back to the show.

11

To which I can only answer: YES. :smiley:

12

I got ready to post a reply to the OP, but got hopelessly lost between the “16 yr old horny virgin” thing, and the drunkalogue about the friends.

Whatever, kid. Good luck in class.

13

I’ll nearly ignore the OP for a second and rant about college drunkeness on my own.

Dorms are all fine and good. GO PUKE SOMEWHERE ELSE! finals week, at least eight months into everyone’s college careers, you’d think the children wouold have figured out how to puke in a toilet or trash can.

You would be wrong.

The bathroom floor and he shower seemed to be favorites.

I say again, GO PUKE ELSEWHERE! Or, alternately, drink what you can handle and then (here’s some rebellious ideas) STOP DRINKING!

I’m a lightweight. I’m nicely blitzed two ciders in. Then I stop as I’m already drunk and don’t need to PUKE to enjoy my evening.

Stupid freshmen.

14

At least you didn’t have to hear them say “I think I killed a cat when I was driving while drunk”, all said with a laugh included. But I bet the lines “The other night I was under the worst drunk state I have ever been” sounds familiar, right?

15

Young, drunk virgin wants to have sex for first time with drunk boy in extremely crowded bar. How is this wrong? Let me count the ways:

Pregnancy - I would bet a couple dollars that a couple in this state aren’t worried that much about birth control.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases - See above, replace “birth control” with “condoms”.

Regretted Actions - is this what this girl really wants for herself? She needs to figure out if she really wants to have this kind of sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with it (if you work hard at preventing pregnancies and STD’s) if it’s what you want to do, but getting drunk and having sex doesn’t always leave the participants with a feeling of “Yeah, that was a good idea!”

Public Scene - I’m old and out of touch, no problem admitting that, but are people having sex in full view in bars now? Good grief. We used to get bent out of shape over people kissing too much on the dance floor. The saying “Get a room!” didn’t evolve in a vacuum, you know. A back room for more ‘private’ sex? Eewww. I definitely am way too old.

Legality - Legal for these youngsters to have sex? Legal for the bar to have young people having sex in it? I don’t know. Seems unlikely, though.

The trick to youth, my young friend, is not to do anything when you’re young and have no idea of consequences that you’ll regret the rest of your life. You can quote me on that to your other young friends.

16

I’m with you Zette, where’s this bar? I gotta go and I hate bars!

17

Oh, Ha, ha, ha! The entire OP is a joke, right? It must be. Damn 16-17 year old virgins that infiltrate the bars… you know, those dagnabit 16-17 year olds that are so drunk they can barely talk – those BITCHES! Got-down-sat-on-a-bench! Where are these randy chicks/studs when I need some? Shit, they must all be at HIS bar cause they sure as shit aren’t at MINE!
Another, minor, I know, another minor point I should make is the “breack up” thing that you go on about… I don’t know what the fuck “breack up” is but I’d pay to see it; especially if 16-17 year old males or females were involved. Sounds… whacked. I’ve got five for the chick… Anyone else?
As far as drunken carousing gets, let’s just take a moment, shall we, and discuss REAL drunken behavior. No, I don’t approve. Having a beer or a glass of wine is one thing. Hey, if you want to go out and pound back a case make DAMN FUCKING SURE you’ve got a designated driver. With THAT in mind, hey have a good time. But, uh, really… I don’t know of a single bar here in SLC or LA that had 16-17 year olds… hell, to be perfectly frank, I don’t recall any beer blast that included them. Fuck me running but I remember being 16-17 and NO ONE invited me to those parties. And I put out. Go figure!

18

Yes, Yes and Yes. This explains why
A) You have crow’s feet around your eyes from decades of laughter,
B) You have a strong sense of self, and know you wouldn’t be caught dead laying on a bar with your fly unzipped, and
C) You’re in black and white, and wearing gingham and Espadrilles. :smiley: :smiley:

And, jarbaby, how YOU doin’ ?

Cartooniverse

19

Nowell, Nowell, Nowell, Nowell.

20

Getting drunk and hooking up in bars is good clean fun. I’m speaking for myself of course, and with the understanding that all parties involved are over the age of 21.